Lesson Learned......

I'm sure most of you are aware of the recent incident about me and Zam. I don't want to comment more on that part since I'm trying to get rid of it. As I said before, I been straight forward with Zam that I cannot continue have feelings on him anymore and he know the reasons. However, I can't ask him to stop the feelings on me because that's his right and who am I to say no. Love have no border so if he still love me then it is his problem not mine, as for me I already close the chapter.

I do received lots of comment for such incident, some do comment in the blog, some do text me, some do called me and some do drop me massage in FB. Thanks guys and I do appreciate all those comments and at the same time I do lost my dignity. I indeed shamed myself by have such feelings on others while having someone in my life. I can never forgive myself for this and will find a perfect time to talk with Alif about this, I'll let him to make the decision and I'll obey for it no matter what he decide.

At this moment I'm trying to recover from the guilty feelings which hunting me for almost everyday. I know some would say not to worry because I've never done anything yet but one must remember even love have no border but you shall give your heart to only one person which deserve for it!

I always learn from the mistake and this mistake indeed tough me a big lesson. Human are always easy to make mistake but the matter of point is whether did we learn from it or not. When ever before I did something, I will always remind myself to think twice. Let's learn together :)

Wrong way...!

Today, well not exactly today and I know this guy name Zam. He already married with few kids which already grew up and studying at college, university level. He is about early 40 years old, I guess! I know him like 4 to 5 month but at first I get to know him as friend, perhaps as brother I guess.

We always chat at YM, talk in the phone and sms sometime. Day by day, I don't how to describe it 100% but at least I know some how rather this kind of feeling is wrong! I'd tried to fight the feelings but it growing up aggressively inside me with my knowledge but I'd nothing to stop. Even though me and him (Zam) didn't contact each other daily, often to be precise but when we saw each other in YM we'll started to chat and he'll so kind to me by using romantic words which I always melt for! I won't said it as a love on him but just like him that's all but he do love me!

And today, I felt so bad towards Alif and feel cheating behind him, indeed I am! Me and Zam planned to meet end of this month but right after everything is completed such as planning, I started to think what the fuck am I doing, I'm such a bitch! I'm so disappointed at my behavior and shame at myself for doing such without Alif knowledge, how cheap I am!

I just can't understand why can I tell the truth to those wanted to tackle me that I already have bf and control my feelings at them but why can't at Zam? Is that because he always talk sweet to me? I don't know and I can't understand why. But at last I'd made up my mind that this is entirely bullshit and fucking wrong which is not right at all, indeed it is not right! This is not me, not a real me, I'm so weak! I felt so bad for what I've done and I know there's no point being sad what had happen but rather find solution to solve it.

Well, I really can't forgive myself for this to let such things occurs. The first big mistake that I was made is create the feelings on Zam and let me flow on it! I know it's not too late to solve this but I must learn from it, that is why human always makes mistake, am I right and this is not the right excuse, I know! But however, I must stop it right away and be straight forward at Zam for let him have no feelings on me anymore and same goes to me as well. I know he like me but I'm belong to only Alif, not for others! I do feel sorry for Zam and of course Alif what I had did to him!

No matter what happen, I'm only for Alif until our relationship end! I love you so much awk....

Brain ask....Heart answer....!

Today morning while listening music and doing my work at office, my brain started to think and throw me a question all of sudden.

Brain: Why you want to stick with one while out there have so many like you and want you in their life?

Within a second my heart answer the brain question

Heart: Out there may have thousands people who like and wish to have you in their life but only one person who love you, Alif!

I started to smile all alone my office room without a reason thinking about him, only him in my mind and heart.

HIV test....!

Me: Awk, sejak kebelakangan ni saya asyik rasa letih lah wak :(

Alif: Knp? Awk tak tak cukup rehat tu :)

Me: Entahlah wak, saya tadi ada baca tanda2 HIV wak

Alif: Knp tiba2 nak baca benda macam tu?

Me: Xderlah wak, entah saya tiba2 terbaca hehe

Alif: So, apa yang dier tulis dalam tu?

Me: Dier tulis kalau ada HIV akan rasa letih, berat badan akan menurun, sering sakit kepala,
xder selere nak makan tapi saya ok jew nak waktu makan heheheh

Alif: Awk, Awk rasa letih sebab awk tak cukup rehat, berat badan awk xpernah turun lah wak asyik 50kg jew dari dulu sampai skrg hehehe awk sakit kepala sebab awk ada migrain. Pasal makan tu awk ada jew kot selere nak makan hahahaha

Me: Awk jahat heheheh awk, saya skrg ke klinik ambik ubat demam. Leh tak kalau nak buat HIV test sekali just untuk precaution wak..

Alif: Hmmm buat jewlah, alang2 dah pergi tu

Me: Baik tuan!

Yes, I'd the HIV test. It was so damn scary waiting for the result to come out. I did the test on monday and the result expected to come on friday!

Me: Awk, saya dah buat test. Result akan kuar jumaat nanti. Habis darah saya wak :(

Alif: Hmmm ok lah tu. Knp plak darah habis?

Me: Yerlah wak, dahlah sikit jew darah itupun doktor dah curi hehehe

Alif: Awk ni hahahaha

Me: Wak, saya takutlah wak..takut result tu nanti :(

Alif: Eh awk ni...xder apa lah. Kita fikir positive k :)

Me: Ok wak thanks :)

Day by day, on wednesday evening at about 6pm doctor text me regarding the result.

Doc: Pat, your result is out.

Me: Hmmm let's hear it!

Doc: Hahaha good news, you free from HIV test hahahaa

Me: Hahahah OMG! Thank you so much doctor hehe will visit you tomorrow

Doc: Sure, will looking forward to meet you as well :)
_____________________________________________________________________________

Me: Awk...result dah kuar...yeayyyyyy saya free dari HIV hahaha

Alif: Syukur allahmdullilah (sorry if the spelling is wrong)

Me: hahahah wak...I miss you hehe

Alif: Miss u 2

Yes guys, I'd HIV test which is good to know my own health condition. Alif also want to do the test as well. Is not about you had sex with who but it about your health to know the status.

I did mine and when is your turn?

Do you trust him....???

Well, not one but more ask me this question over and over! Do you trust whatever Alif said to you? What would my answer will be other than 'yes, of course I trust him'! Yes, I'd said before trust no one in your life except yourself but when it comes to a relationship you must trust partner as how you trust yourself.

Yes, it's risky to trust a person but when it's about relationship, is nothing without trust! Me and Alif is living really far away, not even meeting every week like before but I trust him and he trust me. Love is all about trust each other! What ever me and Alif doing, we always will inform each other no matter important or not. Sometime, yes he'd stopping me from doing something and I never consider that as a he taking control over me but rather think positive as he taking care of me, who know better what's good and bad.

We all are learning everyday and I always learn new things and behavior from Alif indirectly. I know about Alif, know better than others. That is why when people say something like want to tackle him, I'll always say go ahead because I know who is Alif and how will he react :)

Trust me, love will never workout without trust! If you really love a person then you've to trust your lover. As for me, I always trust Alif and he'll never lie to me. Even if there is, I'm sure he have reasonable reason for it :)

I love you wak heheh :p

Be prepared....!

It's been a while from the earlier post and my sincerely apology for being late. As can be predicted from the title, yes, I'm prepared myself to face the future consequences with Alif. Some of you might be thinking what the hell I'm talking about!

As all of you aware, I'm now officially with Alif I mean he already proposed indirectly couples of week ago. What I meant here is, it's about our future after this. I know one day Alif will married with someone and I've to prepare mentally and physically to accept the reality. I know is easy to say and hard to do but I've no other choice other than taking this risk.

Well, life is all about taking risk. We all taking bunch of risk without we knowing but I know and realized about it. No matter what, my life is just full rick everyday. I know gay relationship won't last forever but I really solute those really keep it till end of their life. I wish my relationship will be till end of my life with Alif but I know his planning, he might get married at the age of 28.

I know, one day I'll facing a situation where like the whole world gone black but I should keep in mind the promises that I'd made for him. Yes, it sounds crazy yet I'm happy to be beside him but after he get a new life with his future wife! I mean I'm happy if he's happy, that's enough for me.

I'd prepared myself how am I going to live without him and I'm sure I can, nothing is impossible for me at all and Alif know me well. Even I prepared but I do sometime seems worry, that's normal anyway because I'm human as well, right? The point here is, I'm really happy with him, only with him :)

A card with thousands of love...

Hey gays opps guys hahax, Alif gave me a birthday card at the same day when he gave me big boy. A card indeed full of meaning, even there's don't have a single words of love but I can feel it in my heart that he already started to love because I feel it from the way he talk and from the way he look at me.

Anyway, since the I was put everything on the previous blog about events so nothing much to talk now but he'd warned me to only open after I reach Pahang. Well, you know me right so I was trying to open the cover under the table while eating pizza and he can spot all of my movement, damn! Where did he learn that from...? At last, Ionly managed to open and read it in the bas when I back to Pahang and I was smiling all the way back from KL hahax, it was so lovely.

Let's have a look at it....!

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ps: Kindly email me at cheah_cw@hotmail.com to get the password after click the adds yeah. Korang leh tak jangan kedekut sangat...by clicking the adds kan...harta korang takkan hilang tau hahaha....