Friday, December 9, 2011

Wrong way...!

Today, well not exactly today and I know this guy name Zam. He already married with few kids which already grew up and studying at college, university level. He is about early 40 years old, I guess! I know him like 4 to 5 month but at first I get to know him as friend, perhaps as brother I guess.

We always chat at YM, talk in the phone and sms sometime. Day by day, I don't how to describe it 100% but at least I know some how rather this kind of feeling is wrong! I'd tried to fight the feelings but it growing up aggressively inside me with my knowledge but I'd nothing to stop. Even though me and him (Zam) didn't contact each other daily, often to be precise but when we saw each other in YM we'll started to chat and he'll so kind to me by using romantic words which I always melt for! I won't said it as a love on him but just like him that's all but he do love me!

And today, I felt so bad towards Alif and feel cheating behind him, indeed I am! Me and Zam planned to meet end of this month but right after everything is completed such as planning, I started to think what the fuck am I doing, I'm such a bitch! I'm so disappointed at my behavior and shame at myself for doing such without Alif knowledge, how cheap I am!

I just can't understand why can I tell the truth to those wanted to tackle me that I already have bf and control my feelings at them but why can't at Zam? Is that because he always talk sweet to me? I don't know and I can't understand why. But at last I'd made up my mind that this is entirely bullshit and fucking wrong which is not right at all, indeed it is not right! This is not me, not a real me, I'm so weak! I felt so bad for what I've done and I know there's no point being sad what had happen but rather find solution to solve it.

Well, I really can't forgive myself for this to let such things occurs. The first big mistake that I was made is create the feelings on Zam and let me flow on it! I know it's not too late to solve this but I must learn from it, that is why human always makes mistake, am I right and this is not the right excuse, I know! But however, I must stop it right away and be straight forward at Zam for let him have no feelings on me anymore and same goes to me as well. I know he like me but I'm belong to only Alif, not for others! I do feel sorry for Zam and of course Alif what I had did to him!

No matter what happen, I'm only for Alif until our relationship end! I love you so much awk....