Saturday, February 11, 2012

Who to trust...???

A tough week indeed I've gone through recently, everything seems not in the right place and put me in a difficult stage to make decision. Even though it is difficult but I know I've to make decision in certain stuff.

Guess what, there's come a situation which make me feel like who to trust in my life! Everyone is telling a different story about each other. Alif is telling one thing about Fakrul, Fakrul is telling Alif something. The fun part is Ken is telling something about Alif which really teared me apart. Well, I can't just believe everybody comments without investigate or saw it with my own eyes. But one thing I'm not sure what is wrong with this people all, are they trying to protect me or just, I don't know.

Yes, there's a point of time where I trust Alif because I trust and love him, even Fakrul trying to influence me sometime, I'll always trying to avoid the negative thinking but I still do trust him even now. Please don't ask me why but I just trust his word, perhaps I've been with him for 1 years I but right after each one telling different story I stop to trust him right away. As I'd told previously, he just don't know what he want in his life. Few days after we break I told him about Ken and guess what he started to be protective, become emotional and say if hard to let me go but he wanted to be concrete in his decision! * I was like fuck off man!!!*

I just can't trust Ken words about Alif either! Well he told me that Alif is his friend scandal and did asked Ken to have sex with him before! I was shock for a moment after hear it but I don't know whether Ken telling truth or not because I know Ken only for the past 2 weeks. Ken really don't like me to talk about Alif nor my past life, he easily get angry or jealous of it. We'd have mouth fight 2 times.

I mean he is trying his level best for me to gain trust on him and accept him in my life but I just tired of the game call "love". I don't know how to describe my feelings right now and my views on love but one thing I'm really sure which is I'm tired, seriously tired of it. I felt like what I'd previously for love such as being loyal, trust, understanding and sacrifice is all like rubbish which don't have meanings at all. I don't have the energy to built the trust and honest on others anymore, indeed I needed time for myself for some time and it is up to Ken whether he want to wait for me or move on with his life, I won't stop him from choose what is the best for me.

My heart is just merely can't feel anything when I see a guy or girl, feel numb yes! When a guy look at him, I'm like ah whatever, is your eyes and you can look wherever you want. I don't blame anyone because it is no body fault. What I believe is in god, I'm sure he always wanted the best for me. For now, what am I most concentrating is 80% in my study, 15% in my work and 5% only 5% in my life. I'm just too tired of caring what's going on around me since everyone is trying their level best to take advantages on me. Let them be, just let them be!