Saturday, August 27, 2011

Simple... yet make me happy !

Good morning everyone! Ok, this will be a short entry and not going to talk all my routine today. Yesterday (26th August 2011), I received a Raya card. Guess from who is that? Hahaha from Safar, I never though that he'll send one for me because I'd never received any Raya card before and of course why would receive one since I'm not celebrating Raya right but sometime is good to send or receive all festival card from all friends to let them or us to know our friendship is still alive as usual.

But the card that Safar sent to me yesterday, made me melt entirely and fall for him. I'd mentioned about him in previous entry, he started to like me long time ago but only recently he told me, I think about 5 months ago. He seems really love me! Ok, is time to enjoy picture :)

For those who wanted password, kindly email to me after "click" the advertisement! Don't cheat and play play with me ar hahahah.

P/S: Selamat Hari Raya to all my friends abang Zack, Abang Dam, Abang Numan, Abang Daus, Abang John, qemal and all friends in my blog :)

Sunday, August 21, 2011

There is....but no more now!

Today at about 3pm my mum told me that my sister was admitted in the hospital and going to give birth soon. But it didn't caught me surprised at all and why should I since some of the incident which make me not to! I didn't start nor ask for it but she does by some of the sarcastic words. Since from that day, I've told my mum that I won't involve in her life anymore and why should I? I'm not angry but just disappointed of that incident which still hurting me everyday when I heard that words and my heart so broke.

I've heard so much and been through so much in my life but this time my heart really broke into pieces. From that day, I told myself I no need anyone in my life. I've decided it and not going to change it until I reach my day. Whatever it is, is enough! Those words really hurt-ed me a lot than I broke up with my ex.

Yes there's love before in my heart but no more now! That's the reason when I see some who trying to know me or tackle me, I seriously not feel anything, the feel of love is just not there. I feel really numb and get bored by loving those people around me. Everyone have their own life and I've mine, nevermind, my parents seems happy for my sister so let them be and I know they won't let their daughter down no matter what unlike me, even is not my mistake but the blame will be on me and I get used to it. But what make me sad was it's my own family treat me like that, I won't care if my friend did that to me but my own family.

That's the reason why I always wish there's a person who always for me, just for me! But at the end of the day, I'll be nothing for them as well so what's the point but no harm wishing and imagine that there's a person who hug me, tell me "don't worry pat, I'm here for you"! Even I'm tough most of the time but I'm human who have feelings like others as well, sometime is better to cry myself, even there's no one beside me to hear and feel my pains but at least I could calm myself by crying instead.

Human, which is a creature by god and really difficult to understand so there'll be no one to understand me fully. If there's any, I'm really appreciate that with my full heart and honest heart. I need to be more tougher now to face everything since it was my own life journey, even the journey is not going to be too long but fair enough to live till today.

Friday, August 19, 2011

......the life journey is still mine!

Hey guys, how is everyone especially abang zack, abang John, Abang Numan, Abang Dam, Abang Daus, Abang Rocwk and others? Well back to the story, recently I realized a things which is no matter what or who I've in my life, the life journey is still mine so what's the point worrying don't have someone in my life? Perhaps, is good to have someone in our life to share our happy and sad but at the end of the day they not going to follow wherever we go, especially our last permanent home under 6 feet!

For me, no one going to change me nor know me well except myself! Sometime, I'm envy seeing those couple having a nice and happy relationship but I came to understand and always told myself that my life is different from them. Even I can't get a good relationship like them but I always happy, pray and help them as much as I can so that they will have long time relationship. As for me, I always hope and wish that how good if there's a person who I love the most hug me, lay my head on their chest and whisper to me "don't worry pat, everything will be alright. I'm here for you!" At the end of the day, it just an imagination of mine and I don't put too much hope on that because never aspect everyone like I want right.

I don't know why, I just simply happy when my friend happy with their partner in their life. Anyway, there's much more for me to learn. I'll stop learning when I in my permanent home under 6th feet. Yesterday I saw a friend of mine who kept asking me when I'm going to marry hahahah, I just laugh! I don't want to marry not because I'm gay but there's another reason which I will safe for last means tell later. I just don't want to ruin anyone life when I know my own condition and where it will leads to so better better avoid from it.

How I wish I want to be kids back to my mum like when I was small that always hug me when I'm cry, when I was in pain and when I was sick! But I proud of myself being a big boy now and handle everything myself and being independent. Well, even there's a lot who live independently and younger than me. Whenever I face a problem or pain, I though I'm having a hard time but I'd came to realize that there are people who facing problem more worse than mine and that's when I put myself in their show to feel their pain as well.

I easily get a long with people no matter what age are they as long as they can talk to me. I'm a kind of person who if you talk and smile, I'll reply but if you show you ugly face then I've no comment other than keep quite and being myself. People always said that I'm good in attract people and know how to start a conversation, am I? well, it born in myself I guess, perhaps, I learn myself.

Oh yeah, I almost forget the part which I wanted to talk. Last couple of day ago, I heard that some people talking at the back of me. Well, sometime I appreciate people who talk back of me because they like to point out my weakness where I can change it but sometime I just let it be because I know they don't have work to do so I cannot help them out, I prefer to do my work rather wasting my time by arguing with them. If you know the not going to change their attitude so what's the point right?

guys, is love will make a person crazy? Hahaha well, it did! Safar getting crazy, he could borrow handphone credit from his friend just to sms me. He's really crazy and yes I know he love me sincerely but I've to remind myself something that might get him upset so is better I keep being friend with everyone.

Recently, I found myself getting too tired, exhausted, my back head are keep pain like hell. At first I though it just migraine but my thoughts was wrong after I received my medical report last few days from Ampang Puteri Hospital. It was quit surprised me but nevermind that's what god wanted right so let it be because he know what's the better for me. Even it makes me feel sad but I still happy because at least I've been go through as much as I can and achieved some of my dreams though. I don't know when I'll reach my time and credits to Dr. Mei Ling who helped me a lot to go through this. At first I though not to write this at here but where else I can put out my feelings and for sure I'll not going to tell my parents about this. They already burdened with too much of problem and I don't want to add their burden with this.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


Hey guys, sorry for being away for a while. I was really busy with works plus with few days course at Subang. Ok, some of you might get boring because I'd talk about love before right but is up to you guys whether want to read or not, I just putting what I feel from time to time. Our feeling always change so we might come out with different kind of thinking so here's what I'd though yesterday.

As you al know, love the most beautiful and precious things in our life but there are few people who at first struggling and looking for love but will not appreciate it after get it, will struggle again after lost it so what's the point you finding for love if you cannot take care of it. Actually, most of us are the same as what did I mentioned above, include me. When I was around 17, that was the time I looking for love and promised myself will appreciate it if found but what was happen after I found was that I didn't really appreciate it and I lost it. Perhaps, it was my first love and lack of experience so I forgive myself for that but I learn from it so that I can be more becareful in future.

If you guys really observe those people who looking or desperate love, they'll look at the guy face and whether he rich or not to afford buy stuff for them! Hahaha sometime when my friend told me about this, I started to laugh! Is not that I look down at them but don't they realize that love should come base on two true heart which prepared to love each other? Love is not just looking for a partner where you can proud of but more to love each other and take care one another all the time.

There'll be a period where you hardly to believe your bf but remember, love is all about trust! Without trust love is a normal word that we use in our daily life without any feelings. Love can happen on anyone, don't be afraid to express it. It doesn't matter who you love, it might be you father, mother, siblings, friends or the people you like the most, no harm saying that you love them. Love is also like an accident that we can predict when it could be happen, it just happen just like that. Sometime it would take longer time to fall in love and sometime it just took 1 second to fall in love, it's all depend on that person. But sometime, we must know to identify love and lust, well lust is a different topic so we just skip that past instead.

When you have a conflict do not ever make a conclusion without knowing the truth, always ask why and hear the fact on his side. Even sometime is hard but is better to know the truth of the other part rather suffer at the end of the day. Recently, I experienced different kind of situation as above and I'm not sure whether you guys did experienced before. As I told before, there are few guys who like me from day to day and below are the situation:

Well, he's not that handsome nor ugly but he's really kind and romantic. He'd told me that he started to love before I love Alif but he didn't want to tell me since he knew that I love some one else but guess what, he straight away proposed to me once after he realize that I broke with Alif hahaha. He's a funny guy who like to make smile always even I feel down sometime.

Hmmm nothing much about him but I would rather say he not really clear about himself as well. He not sure what he wanted in his life, guess what guys! There one time I told him that don't put too much hope on me and he turned to like other guys, not a problem for me though but he love a guy who already have a bf hahahaha like scandal! Hmmm all I can do is advice him but the decision is his. I ask him to take time for think about it as I needed time as well, the love feelings is not just there in my heart.

Before break with him, he don't have the feelings on me but after break he started to love me hahaha. He's not romantic but I just simply like him even now hahaha. Is not he is handsome or whatsoever , perhaps, he understand me well :)

However, there're few who started to put some words on me and not to mention here, perhaps in future after they started to have real feelings on me hehe. As for now, I'm not ready to love yet. Not that I don't want to love anymore but I don't want to rush into this. I want to take more time for myself and enjoy my life first by having lot's of friends around me :)

Monday, August 8, 2011

All about my life....Part 3! ~ Then End

Well guys, I think it's the perfect time for me to end this topic and not to drag anymore, this is the perfect time since I'm not the right mood though. Yes, I know I'm strong and have the strength to face the challenges but one should keep in that I'm also human like others who have feelings. Recently I realized that my responsibilities is getter more and more by day by day but I know I can do it, perhaps need some time to make myself get used to it.

I'm trying my level best to get everything accordingly for this time being and just let it be! Sometime I just need to understand that not everything I can manage nor can change but rather let it change itself or let it as what it is.Even I'm getting tired of everything but nothing stop me to rise again.

What I'd learn and had been tought me is not enough where need to learn more and more, not matter how much I learn it'll never fulfill my life journey. There's a time where some of my friends told me that "better do nothing than do something and waste my time" but I told them back "at least I learn something by doing something rather do nothing", all of them kept quite and look at me. I don't know what's their though about me at that time but they smile at me, don't know what's that supposed to mean.

Anyway, I think is time for me to end this chapter! Can't believe that my first short entry but there's nothing I can write anymore. There's still alot of that can talk about me but just not in the right mood as I told earlier. I want to sleep by forgetting everything and sleep peacefully rather than think and mess up my mind.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

All about me..... (part 2)

Hey guys, actually I don't have the right mood to update the blog today but something was happened to me this morning and evening which forced me update it no matter what. As all of you can guess which the matter of course related all about me (part 2). I think the part 2 entry will be a bit emotional though. Have you guys ever experienced before your own family member talk and look down at you? Well I'd experienced it this morning when my sister said that I'm pondan! Hm I was stunned and don't know what to say and reply, I was kept quite and continue my daily routine even it is hurt me inside but pretended as nothing happen to me. My heart was so broken when I heard that words, really hurt deep inside my heart.

Second is where one of my blog having a relationship issue with his boyfriend where almost broke up but I tried my level best to help them by advising both. After few days of struggling at last they get back together but all of sudden on my friend earlier post annoyed at me buy stop judging people and watch out my mouth. I was stunned again! I don't know what I did until turn him to that angry at me, all I was trying to do is just helping him out that but I don't have any other intention on him or his boyfriend either.

After a while I realize that I was make a biggest mistake in my life, who am I to judge others! Who gave me the rights to do so? All this while, I'm judging people by the name of advicing then and never realized of it. How could I made a mistake? As others said, we all are human so is normal make mistake and I sincerely admit that. It's alright at least I know what I was doing and where was my mistake, I'm really tired of this! I always like to help my friends but some time they wrongly though me that being busy body with their life. Anyhow, I've to put a full stop for this before it get worse than now.

I always like to motivate myself to keep cheer up so that I won't look so down till don't have to mood to anything. Some of you might think that I'm crazy when I say I'll talk to myself while driving alone or in my room, sometime it makes me feel better, I feel like I talk to some one which same like me and advicing myself. When ever I feel down or sad, I'll talk like this at least I can make myself calm down and release from the sad or down.

No matter how much I've gone through in my life but it'll never fail to rise me up again! Daily life tought me a lot on how I should in future and I know the direction of my life. It might not appropriate for me to talk about my parents bad habits nor look talk bad about them but this is the only place where I can put up all my words. I do love my parents but they always support my sister at the end of the day, I didn't it's wrong but at least make her realize of her mistakes. I'm not sure whether did I tell you guys about my study financial problems? There was a time when I really needed money for my study and that was my first year which I need to pay almost RM10k to University of London immediately. What will most you guys will do? Will ask parents for money right, well I'd the same but the answer from my dad was amazing "You find your own way, I don't have that amount of money"! I just smile back at my dad and mum and return back to my room but one think was made me curious! If they said they don't have money but how come they can settle my sister debt over RM40k while my sister not even care about her debt? But I didn't ask them, I was just sit and think where I can get the money!

After thinking a while I ask my brother but I'd aspected the answer from them "use you money"! That was the time I started to not trust anyone in my life! Guess what a guy age 19 can do for money? Yes, I have job but as a clerk and how much I could earn and pay the fees? I decided to take loan from bank, that's the last choice I've but there was problem as well, who will be my guarantor? All of my idea didn't work and at last wrote a letter to UOL and they agreed to receive the money in small amount just like an instalment every month and started my studies. When I think back those moment, I couldn't cry because I've no more tears and now my heart being cold to everything and everyone.

There's still a lot about me on how I gain when ever I fall but not today. I'm so tired of everything, I want to be alone and wish I could be sitting at beach enjoying the cold wind. I really need a shoulder for to laid on but I rather keep everything with me. That all for today and part 3 will be publish if I'm still alive face everything, I'll alive because I believe in myself.

Soon or later I'm planning to close this blog or make it a private blog. Sorry, my intention was just not to disturb anyone nor angry at anyone but just keeping a distance. Start today, I'll be no more commenting on other blog, just read is enough. If I ever did hurt anyone Numan, bang Zack, Qemal, bang Daus, bang John and ect, I'm sincerely asking for apology. Thank you so much for the guide and advice.