Happy Birthday Papa

Later at year 1936, 26 Dec a baby boy was born at China. He was grown up with his family in poor condition where no proper food to eat, no proper place to sleep yet he survived with his family. Working at a quarry at the age 10 and wearing a worn out shoes, escaped to Malaysia at the age of 12 with his family and amazingly survived at here even it was war time.

Later, married a Chinese woman and an Indian woman gifted with 6 kids all together. Living a happy life after with his family and today 26^th of December 2012 was his 76 birthday, still healthy and living a happy with his wife, son’s and daughter’s.

Yes, he was my father, a lovable father ever in my life. A kind man, who loves his kids the most, never beat his kids ever no matter how big the trouble is. I can remember few incidents of mine and it’s a funny thing, really fine. Well, I was the youngest in my family so I’m a mama son but at the same time papa love me too.

When I was about 7 years old, primary school to be precise. I hate school especially mandarin that point of time, I just hate it plus with those Chinese kids owh god tell me about it! I was like an experiment object for them, like why my skins are not fair like them and I’m always wondering what kind stupid question is that! Anyway, so I hate school and you want to know what I’d to go to school? I’ll never do a single homework, imagine guys I felt like I’m acting in a kungfu movie whenever I writing mandarin words, so difficult! So what I’ll do is always hide the books in my father car and when almost reach the school I’ll be like *oh papa, I forgot my homework book at home* and he drive me all the way back home and search the book. I took the chance and tell my papa *papa, I couldn’t found the book and I don’t want to go to school* but the book is actually in his car! But he still forces me to attend the school haha but never bear me, just angry!

Until one day, he found out my book in his car when he send for car wash (damn you cleaner)! I was like shit, I’m going to die haha and start the day after he’ll ride me to school with motorbike and he even ask me : -

Papa      : haaa where you going to hide the book this time?

Me         : erkkkkk

But still I hide my book inside my bag and say my book is missing and it’s only up to standard 3 and after that I start to catch up with my study and till today never stop to learn and sometime my dad tell me : -

Papa      : Those days, I ask you study and you’ll be like making all kind of drama but now even I ask

   you to stop study and you’ll be giving me that evil look haha

Not only that, there’s one time he slap just to wake me up from the so call charm or some kind spirit in my body but only I know it’s all drama haha! Back in 2008 I guess, I joined a budha society where their prayer is entirely different from the ordinary type but definitely not AJARAN SESAT ok haha! So the prayer required me to attend on certain day on night and to attend classes at KL so papa didn’t like it and didn’t allow me to attend. I don’t know why the hell I’m being so stupid that time and acting like some sort of spirit in my body just to threaten him to allow me to attend the budha prayers and classes. *pap* the first slap ever from my papa, will never forget about that. Funny-funny things happen with my papa, I just simply love him even though he didn’t being fair to me sometime.

I love you papa

Happy 76^th Birthday

Many More returns of the day

May God Bless You Always

May God Shine His blessing on you always

Until then, so & so

PP

Merry Christmas :)

Merry Christmas to all my friends who celebrating it with families. May Jesus bless you always.

Until then, so & so

PP

It's time for a break .....

Guys, things seems not so well between me and J. He seems reluctant to take any decision but neither of us rushing for it at this moment. It just me I guess, sometime I just don’t understand what he really want in his life. J is a good guy no doubt on that but I can really feel he is not interested in me tho, you can feel it if someone like you or otherwise. Sometime we even can feel the spark when we with the love one, but it don’t seem that J feel the sparks on me. Maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m right, but giving the current circumstances I made a decision not him because I know whenever I ask him to make a decision on this, he’ll slowly avoid it.

I decided to take a break for my relationship. Most of you wonders didn’t me and J already declared to each other? No, no guys, it’s been a year, we yet to declare to each other. J is a kind of person who seems doesn’t like to take responsibilities in his life or there could other reason, I don’t know. I’m done with this guys, I’m tired! Tired in the sense of sacrificing, tired of love a person who doesn’t love me, tired of hoping for something which is not for me!

It’s been a year guys, only I’m the one who strain my brain, energy to think what else I should do to make him happy but he seems doesn’t. All he can do is making fun of me and yes it could take years and it’s better to take years for understand each other and accept the love. It’s the other way round in our case, I’m the only one who keeps trying to understand him but he can just relax, go out and have fun with his friend. I mean, I don’t stop him from doing all that and he got his personal life and need entertainment too but can’t he at least spend 5 minutes a day to think about us? I don’t want to argue about this with him anymore as it seems worthless to talk about this with someone who doesn’t love me.

Since both of us yet to declare, it makes things easier for me to make the decision and he seems normal, no argument no objection but he accept my decision means he waited me to do it. Nice plan! No more reporting, no more worrying, less text seems like good way to go. I want to take some time to relax, for myself and it’s time for me to concentrate for my future too especially in work. I saw a better option for my life is there, just in front of me so I need to work hard to grab it and I’ll.

For now, my mind is so empty and peaceful without any worries for love matter, the only thing I concern the most is my life (I’ll talk about this in the next entry). So, it’s time for a break on relationship, love and it’s time for me to move on all alone. I’m happy, no stress! See you guys soon and take care.

Until then, so & so

PP

It's never been easy...

When talk about love, it’s never been easy as we thought, well it’s that easy as for me. Some say love is fun, some say love is pain, some say love is miserable (most of the time) and some even ask what is love? Oh my god, I’m going to slap any bastard or bitches ask me this kind of question. God damn it, are you stupid or you want to make me look stupid! Haha, yeah I know I’m using some harsh or immoral words, well it’s boring dude keep posting like being emotional so I decided to try a new methods for all the upcoming entries, how about that?

Ok, let’s talk about love today. Yes, love is fun and you even feel like you’re in the heaven but let me tell you this, as much as you feel like heaven and the next second you can feel like hell. Trust me, it’s never been that easy moreover in PLU life haha, what can I tell you. But again, it’s undeniable there’s couple living with their love life forever and at the same, there is and there are people who never satisfied with their love, sort of looking for a better one. You stupid, that’s not looking for a better person but you looking for a better ……… (Fill the gap by yourself)!

Owh for god sake. If you already happy with the current one, what is wrong with you to go and look for someone else? You say you love him and cannot live without yet you go and looking for other, how is this work? Can someone explain to me please?  Love required sacrifices people, without doing anything you can’t just expect you boyfriend to be nice to you all the time. The kind of sacrifices that I’m talking is be patient, always text you lover, call your lover even though only you’re the one who always call him/her but don’t be stingy lah.

Haaa ni satu lagi (there you go, started to mencarut in BM welcome me!), kalau keluar pi shopping tu share2 lah bayar. Jangan dok harap orang tu jew bayar macam lunch you bayar lepas tu movie dier plak yang bayar itu kalau dier ada duit lah or korang ada duit kalau takder tu, haa dok diam2 dalam umah buat baby. Perngorbanan tu penting beb, jangan nak dok piker malam ni nak buat style aper erk. Luangkan masa dengan si dia, borak lah tentang korang tapi kan bende yang paling irritating adalah korang jangan lah asyik tanya si dia *by, you cinta I tak*! Sekali tu at least boleh accept lagi, ni tak dok tanya sepuluh kali…kalau aku lah kan, cement ar your face!

Ok, if you really love a person you must learn to endure all kind of pain, must be patient and trust. It’s very important and there are times where you’ll feel like breaking up the relationship because the other party didn’t pay much attention on you but you must always understand and think positively. The other party might busy with work or some other business but unless you’re really sure about that he/she hooking with someone else than with all pleasure you can decide to pour some acid on his/her face!

PS: Sorry for the carut mencarut in BM part but if most of you prefer in BM then I’ll change it to BM for future entries.

Until then, so & so

PP

R.I.P - A tribute for my friend * Muhd Azrie *

Yesterday, it was his birthday. A young guy who have ambition in his life to have a better future, yet god love him more than anyone else who know him. Muhd Azrie, one of my Facebook friend who know each other for quite some time was leave the earth few month ago due to some his lung contaminated by fluid. Apparently, not much FB knows about this till yesterday the news was conveyed by one of his friend.

Azrie, age 20, cute, handsome, and a guy who always like to cheer up others. I didn’t meet him personally before but we do communicate through phone and social network. As I said, god loves him more than anyone else in this world. Soon after I know about this, I started to think when my turn is. Well, I don’t expect to die as what Azrie suffered but who knows and who are we to decide how to die.

Came to think about this, I then realized that there’s nothing can guarantee our life for tomorrow or the next second. I started to think how much time I do have to show my love to the people around me? All this while, I’m not sure about all of you but for me there’re people who I do hate them, who know them like TnGo, who I like the most and who I love the most. Did I spend enough time with them to know more them more? Or, did they spend enough time to know me more?

God send us to this world to make friends, not enemy! I was started to decide to not going to waste my time anymore hating people, what do I get by doing so? But sometime, most of the most we only say it but we still remain the same, keep hating people, being harsh with them, forget those people who love us the most.

After all this, I taught myself to appreciate my life, appreciate the people around me, and be happy with what I have now in my life. Without them, I’m no one today in this world!

For my friend Muhd Azrie, we always will love you and miss you the most. May your soul rest in peace with among the others in heaven.

R.I.P

Until then, so & so

PP

Things has changed much

It’s been almost 1 month after the so call no sweet moment with me and J but it seems changed most especially in J himself.  It can be clearly seen in J, the way he talk to me, the way he text me and his behaviors really changed from what I’d seen in him before this.

As you guys know, there’s few month where me and J practiced distance relationship while I work at Pahang and he at KL. No doubt it’s enough to create problem between us I mean yeah people do always say distance relationship will not stand long. For me it is totally wrong, take me and J as example. We really made it for almost few months, as long as there’s trust we can sleep peacefully.

After that much things happen between us where J keep quiet for almost a month where he can not to answer my call nor reply my messages.  I thought that’s it, nothing can be done anymore and it’s the end of our relationship at that point of time but I still wait for me, I want him to make the move to tell me to back off if he really wanted to break this. I was almost lost my confidence over this and the feeling tortured my every day, I could no longer be patient anymore to hold on this.

So I called him to break this off, he answered and acknowledged the break of this relationship. I felt freedom at that point off time, a strange sound inside me ask me to enjoy my life. Go out and get a life rather than keep thinking about this, and I thought there’s nothing more between me and J anymore and it’s time to move on in my life. Alif, is the place where I learn to be happy, a person who make me laugh every day. Don’t get me wrong people, there’s nothing going on between us, not more a friend to be precise.

I could only able to thought this is how it should be, I should move on and be happy always. Even try to hide my feelings and pretended to be happy, J always in my mind, in my heart and he is at everywhere I see. Yet I denied the feelings and being ego but not J, he messaged a few days after. The message sounds like this:

J              : Hye dear, knp senyap jew?

PP           : Nothing, but ask that to yourself!

J              : What did I do?

PP           : Don’t ask me! What you want from me for god sake!

J              : Just you dear, nothing else but just you

PP           : *started to cry*

Believe me or not, the word he said *just you dear, nothing else but just you* I still can remember it clearly. I could feel his sincerity in that words and voice, so peaceful and calm as if like I’m combined with his soul. That’s it, he is the one! I decided immediately that he is one for me, hey come on this breakup thingies happens to me and J before but we still get back together. I don’t J’s motif for doing so like when I say let’s breakup with emotional and he’ll say ok. But the nest day, he still text me. I mean, I don’t know but don’t you guys feels something different in J? I could feel it, J is a total different person from all I've known this while, and he is completely different.

After so call drama, everything changes in him. He played an important role to save our relationship and it seems positive, a changes where I didn't see in J before. Ohm, he text me every morning and I can feel that we’re even more closer than before. J seems to be more protective of me, he don’t allow me to meet with anyone that I recently know, he control me in terms of financial well not much but at least I can see he is trying. I don’t know how many lovers willing to give money to their lover but J gave me money and of course I’ll give it back to him and I did haha, but doesn't that fascinating? The feelings is so different in me, I love him even more. J also started to angry at me sometime, like scold me when I done something wrong and yeah its fun haha. He even use *sayang* when texting which he never done it before, we go shopping, we go for movie. It’s going good for now and I’m trying everything to protect it.

I love you J…..

Until then, so & so

PP

When your love one trust you :)

Hello everyone, doing well? Or still searching for soul mates? Trust me, there's no rush when it's comes to love. Let it happen by itself, no point rushing and break up in 2 days! The most important thing is be happy, remember guys, happiness is the only thing we cannot buy in our life. So just go out and enjoy life while we can and it doesn't mean I'm asking you to become slut, remain loyal and sincere with your love one. The type of enjoying I'm talking about it go out with your love one, spend time with him or her. The world is going to be end guys, so dying on someone arms that we love seems like good way to go haha!

Alright alright, let's dive into today title. Well, I'm not a love guru but I'm talking on my own original and genuine experience in love like others. have you guys realize there are some quotes which always tell us "Don't trust anyone in your life except yourself" but one must remember love is all about trusting each other and without trust it will always leads to breakup. As I said, it always contradict with one and another, it's confusing and I know haha. 

Sometime it depends on you guys on who to trust or otherwise. Come on, we all grown up and know well what's going on around us. You can't go around and ask for people opinion on this! There might a lot of different opinion will be given by other because as to them the person might not can be trusted but the same person might be different in his/behavior with you, so you're right person to decide.

For me, trust must be involved in love and it's the most important tools which required in a relationship. In my current relationship with J, I faced no problem when it comes to trust even there's some misunderstanding for his silent but it was well sorted out. J trust me in every way and out and so do I, he trust me. He trust in my love for him, he trust in my loyalty for him, he trust in my sincerity and he trust that I'm only for him. For now I'm happy with they way we're and expecting nothing much :)

So what you guys waiting for......chill till the next entry yar...!!!

until then, so & so

PP

Who is Jeff in my LIFE...?

Who is Jeff in my life? I'm sure of you wondering to the same question too and it's time to reveal who is he, let me give him a nick 'J'. My apologize for not being so clear about him in my previous post, neither in the latest one. The reason for not doing so is pretty simple thought, I just don't want to reveal about him too fast like what I'd to those I know in my life. 

It must be strange for not being reveal about him but let's not talk about this first! Well, I know Jeff from Facebook of course and as usual we'd exchange few messages upon the friends approval and we stop there. I didn't put much interest to know him at that point of time because I was so loyal and honest to Alif. I bet you guys must still remember who is Alif right, just pretend to know if you don't haha!

Me and Jeff catch up back in Facebook again on my 22nd birthday while I was still working at Penjom. 

It started when he sent me wishes and we exchanged number of it till he gave me him hand phone number. We continued over the phone, day and night! 

Jeff is a doctor Who work at petaling jaya in a hospital of course. Age is 25 by the time I'm posting this, same age with Alif, again! I just don't know why the hell everything must be same with Alif or almost close with him, just don't talk about him right now. Past couple of days after, we planned to meet at my previous house at permaisuri, I'm such a bitch right but nothing happen idiots! Don't be so excited! Oh yeah, I shifted out from permaisuri to Ampang, that would be another chapter. 

Jeff is the same height with me, close enough. Have a fair skin and the best part is he's a good guy for my eyes. A person who always like to bully me and he teach me lots of lesson, asking me question and expecting me to answer. The day past and both of us seems click to each other, comfortable to knowing each other. We sort of trying out to move on further into relationship, I was happy with him but its not easy being into relationship, a lot of problem you'll be required to face and its not easy after all!

We like each other but we never declared on our relationship until such a period where some drama involved, the real one. 

It's been 10 months now me and Jeff in relationship, nothing much nothing less me and him had been faced during the period and we still hold on tight with it, never give up and the doubt always arise how we work on it. Lets talk on the nest entry, I've got a lot to write and share with you all.  

Until then, be patient :)

The Meaning of *Kiss*....

*Kiss on the stomach: Lets have sex
*Kiss on the Forehead: Forever you will be mine
*Kiss on the Ear: I'm horny
*Kiss on the Cheek: We're friends
*Kiss on the Hand: I adore you
*Kiss on the Neck: We belong together
*Kiss on the Shoulder: I want you
*Kiss on the Lips: I love you and I want you
*Holding Hands: We can learn to love each other
*Slap on the Butt: That's mine
*Playing with the Ear: I can't live without you
*Holding on tight: Don't let go
*Looking into each other's Eyes: Don't leave me
*Playing with Hair on Head: Tell me you love me
*Arms around the Waist: I love you too much to let go
*Laughing while Kissing: I am completely comfortable with you

Let's share, interesting :)

What hurts you the most in your life?

In my life, there are tonnes of things, situation and feelings which hurts me but sometime there's something which hurt me the most which is to see the person you loved or loving love someone else. This time, I'm going to talk about few situation which related to feelings especially love. I always do have this question running in my mind, why love sometime can make us happy and make us felt we're the king of the world but sometime the same love can drawn to the sea. I'd tried to search for the answer but guess, there's no answer for it, correct me if I'm wrong!

First situation is where to see you someone that left you is loving someone else. Is not because of jealous but it's hurt to see you know when the other person make you felt like am I no good or what is wrong with me? I mean I love him with honesty, sincerely and do the best for him. I'm not saying I'm good or to show off but I always want the best for the person that I love, I want that person to be happy always, keep smiling :). Even though I know the relationship will end up no where but I took the responsibilities to show my love but at the end of the day it hurts me back.

Second situation is where you know someone, be friends with him, be there always for him whenever he need you, make him happy, comfort him, motivate him, make him become stronger knowing you yourself are weak but yet willing to help him. One day, you found that you've got feelings for him and when about to express your feelings to him, he found someone in their life. It hurt you inside but you wish him all the best and congratulation, say some nice words with a fake smile. 

Be there for him even he is with someone else, kept your feelings towards him inside your heart. Days are flowing like rivers, you tried to express your feelings even you know it's wrong but he treat you like a doll. You message him more than his lover do, accompany him whenever he felt lonely but there's no one comfort you or accompany you when you're lonely. You kept all this in your heart, hard to let it out, there's no right one to share about it, there's no right one to comfort you, always live in your own imagination world with him.

One day, he make you felt you're worthless, he make you felt like begging for him for accept your love, he make you felt your love is so cheap but still you stand still hoping one day he'll accept you in his life. You tried and trying your level best to make him not to think you taking every chances to show your love or using any kind of situation to express your love.

You know that he'll never be yours, you lied to your feelings when ever he ask what kind of feelings you've for him. You lied to your heart in order to protect their relationship, you pretend like normal, like you've no feelings for them, you make yourself as a doll which have no feelings. You know it is wrong to love someone who already loving someone else so you buried your feelings and crying inside while smiling outside.

I prefer to kept it with myself....

It's not fair for me to stay I faced too much pain in my life while there are people who enduring more pain than what I endured before. I always endure it in my heart or else I'll post it in my blog, that is all I can do. It's not like there's no people that I can't share, yes, indeed there is and no doubt on that. But sometime it's not helpful, I don't know how to line up the words. Ok, put it in this way they hear what I say but there's no comfort even though they give some nice words. At the same time I do understand how they felt when someone expressing their feelings, like boring.

I blame no one at here but I wish to say thanks to all of you at least some of you read what I'm posting. Love life always back to square especially in PLU's life because there's nothing to bound for each other like marriage. So it's easy to brake anytime we want, right? Sometime I just don't know what I want in my life, it's not like this question didn't arise before but sometime I do have the doubt again and again in my heart. I can't be sure that I'm a perfect human but I can promise I'm ain't bad.

When I feel wanted to share what's in my heart, I can't find the right one to share. I always wish my parents were open but I don't want to hurt them either. The only solution, my heart, always talk to my heart, cure the pain with myself with no one. All I wish is only if I've someone just for me, always there for me, care for me, love me. Well, wish always remain as wish, that's what we call imagination which we can't bring it to reality.

No matter hoe many time I said I had enough with this love, no matter how many time I say don't want love anymore, I know one fine day I'll come with another posting which I fall for someone. Anyway, going to keep my face smile even it's fake while waiting for the time come. 

By saying this, I'm not going to chase the love. Let it come by itself either natural or whatever way it is, I'll just accept but I'm very careful when it comes to love. I'll never ever go for a person or accept a person who already have partner in their life, yes, I won't. Because I know how the pain would if you know your boyfriend have someone else in his life, I felt it before! I just don't care all of you wanted to say I'm desperate for love, go ahead, I know myself better more than anybody else.

When I lost the faith...

I wanted to post about this 2 weeks ago but since I was busy and was diverted to not happy mood so I decided to post it now.

Jef decided to take no responsibilities when it comes to relationship level and he end the dating period.  I didn't mad nor angry at him or at his decision because is better to said it out earlier then suffering later. I don't know, all I can say is Jef change a lot he is not the person whom I know earlier who always have time for me, who ask me for a date, go for movie, shopping but past couple of month he seems too far away from me.

Sometime he'll not message me for 1 week and not even want to answer my call. Yet, I believe in him, trust him that he's busy with work and his personal life. I do feel so lonely sometime, I just kept it all in my heart, I endure the tears which almost fall from my eyes, all because I don't want him to lost the faith on me but for how long am I going to endure it.

After a couple of weeks, he decided to be friends and nothing more than that. Believe me or not, I really felt nothing when he said that. I felt numb, like no feelings, like he is not important to me at all. I don't know what is wrong with at that point of time but I must say I felt freedom to be honest which I no bound for anyone, I repeat just not anyone!

After-all, we're yet to commit into relationship which made me not to worry much so I just let it go with his decision. Let him happy with his work and his personal life, I don't want to interfere nor to think whether he found someone else. I just don't want to think too much on this, if he decided to leave just go and don't disturb me with your life.

After a few days he came back with a message via what'sapp!

Jef: Good night dear, I miss you so much ( I was like what the hell)

Yesterday:

Jef: Dear

Me: Yes

Jef: Tdo?

Me: Xderlah, baru siap makan. Jap lagi balik tido lah

Jef: Kat maner ni

Me: Baru sampai umah

Jef: Ic

Jef: Nite dear syg

Jef : Morning dear

Me: Good morning.

I'm sorry guys, I don't have the intention to embarrass Jef in public place like this but sometime I just wanted to let it out from my heart. I had enough with this kind of pain and I'm not going to endure it any more. I still do have feelings for Jef but for this time being, I want to remain cold on him, let him understand my feelings how I felt when I was lonely. If he found someone else, I've no problem to get rid of the feelings on him, it's not a big deal for me after-all since there's a lot of people who throw away my feeling on them like trash, enough of care for other! Let it be, I just don't give a damn how all of you want to judge me.

What will you do if it's you..?

Ok peeps, here's a question for you guys to answer or leave comments after read the question and my story, real story. The question is:

> What will you do if you've feelings for two guys at the same time?

Note: You can describe the feelings in your own term as lust, love, crush or whatever you feel wanted to put it as. Again, you can answer the question after you read my written story or you may give your own opinion/opinion base on the story.

The real story!!! 

A guy named Ashraf, age 19 who is currently studying for his paramedic at one well know college at Cyberjaya. Ok, to not let all of you get confused let me make the full story, how to start! 

A couple of weeks ago, there's one new family moved in to my residents area just opposite of my house but that time I didn't care much because I was busy with my own stuff until the Raya session. Well, I must sure that all the family will back to their home town to celebrate and same goes to this family when all their family back home together with this guy with a motorbike and a girl sitting back behind him, come on guys if you yourself saw it, sure you must though he is married and I'd think such too!

I don't it's miracle or it just to happen, one of the guy well I don't know how many guys in their family but a guy in his middle 30 know my mum, he told my mum that he know me but the truth is I never know him. Believe me, this is isn't about him! Anyway, I just get rid of it since it's not really important for me to think. A day after I started to realize there's a guy who always kept looking at me, the facts that he is handsome is undeniable. Again, I though he is married so I didn't think much as well until everyone is back and this guy still stick around his house.

Day after day, it become really obvious that he is looking at me and I just kept pretend that I didn't look at him. From far, he is look like age around 25, that kind mature face. I was like whatever! I mean who want to tackle a married man anyway, right? But far inside my heart there's a tiny little feelings kept saying *how good if he is my bf*! It was just an crush to be precise but everything change on 24th, here comes the story hit me like storm until today.

It was about 10pm, I was all alone sitting outside of my house playing with my iPad and that guy is doing something with his bike alone too. I didn't care much about him but after a while he started his bike and I don't know what strike-d my feelings saying *how nice if he walk towards me and talk to me*! Guess what people, again I'm sure whether is this miracle or whatever you can all but he ride his bike right towards me. I was indeed shock and my whole body is freezing! Damn, this is not right at all. I mean I don't know what should I do, talk to him? Go back inside home? What? Owh god, my heart almost explode that time, seriously I don't know what should I do that time. Here's how the conversation started:

Ash: Lu free tak esok? 

Me: Erk xpasti lagi sbb sy kene attend wedding function.

Ash: Pukul berapa habis? Boleh temankan saya ker Lipis?

Me: Hmm kalau kul 1 mungkin boleh kot. Buat aper kat Lipis?

Ash: Nak beli side mirror motor

Me: Oh ok...boleh jew :)

Ash: U perasaan tak yang saya selalu tgk you

Me: Owh yeker, sy tak perasaan plak. (padahal nampak jew)

Ash: Sy nampak you lain lah, nak kenal...

Me: Haha lain? Lain macam maner plak?

Ash: Selalu berseorangan, xcampur ngan orang lain. Sy pun mcm u jugak, so sy mcam boleh kenal lah haha

Me: owh ok hahaha...

Rest of the conversation is all about our work, studies and future. One thing I notice is, whatever I said he'll reply *samalah kita* I was like what the hell is this and what he want from me? Or is this really a coincident? Since that day, the feelings for him started to grow slowly till today! 

Even until now, he still look at me with no doubt.The feelings inside me even grow more when he look at me. I do get confused with myself and my feelings towards him, I know it's not right but at the same time I can't get rid of the feelings. And I know some of you may think that me and Jef is already in the relationship but that's not true, I'm saying this not because to support my feelings so that I'll accept this guy but me and Jef is in the dating process, I'm telling the truth!

I can certainly say this is a lust or crush. Owh come on people for god sake, I'm not even know him fully and  how can I just fall in love in a split second! Yes, I know love can happen any time but don't you people think this is too early to say this is love? Well, I'm trying my level best to get rid of this feelings and I'm not going to hurt anyone, people hurt me yes but I'll never ever do that to anyone!

So, it's your call people. You can answer the question now. Good luck peeps!

PS: There'll be another story coming up about what going to happen today! Just stay tune, what else could I say haha....

Onward & Upward!

As I said in the earlier post about my new career path which going to start on 3rd of September, which much alike my previous post as administrator. I do had a plan move to KL by end of the year but never though it happen much earlier that I expected.

It was a total of 3 years 7 month where I spent most of time at Penjom but it's not wise to say I'm not happy working there. I was really happy to work at Penjom indeed but that was up to only May this year and the nightmare started on 1st June where started my new post as purchasing coordinator with a Indian sarcastic man! Sorry guys, I'm not against Indian people not racist, my mum is Indian too but this Indian man, my department manage, purchasing department.

It's all happen on May this year when after the weekly meeting with all HOD, this man wanted to meet me. When he mentioned that, I already know that he wanted to offer something, I'm much certain because he'd offer me as purchasing officer before. At the same time, I'm so sure why he always spot me at all time no matter what and again guys, he is not gay and I don't have taste on him neither.

All went as I expected, he'd offered me the purchasing coordinator position which drawn me to a undeniable expectation. I mean come on people, I spent 3 years as a administrator which I already learn every single things about administration and I do believe this new post or opportunity will assist me to learn something more new things for my career even though I always wanted to be a lawyer as I'd always dream about.

Yes, I'd accept the offer with wide open heart and that man offered me bunch of programs and promises, yet I don't want to argue about the promises because all manager will do that when they wanted to drag someone to their management. I was happily joined that department even though I know most that department people don't like me to join over them, who cares anyway haha. Even I know I'm not happy but I convince myself to endure it because I always believe I can do it no matter what.

First month few weeks, yes, indeed everything went well and I made most of the changes in terms of the department system, administration wise, human resource and warehouse system. People in the department started to accept me and welcome me to be apart of their team and I never believed anyone in my life no matter they nice to me or cruel to me, for me, all the human are the same include me where can never run away from to be nice in front and to be cruel at the back.

I don't know when it started but I noticed some changes with that Indian man, he started to against my ideas, my plan and everything that I do and I did make him not happy and he'll have his own reason to reject them.I started to realize about that man changes, no one can ever know more than him, no one can fight against him, and all must follow his thought. For god sake Indian man, you chosen a wrong one for your team, that's me. I'm not going to be a dead man to hear all what he said, oh hell now people, I'll fight if I think it is wrong and he don't like it and I can't help it, A BIG SORRY for you man!

My ex-boss offered me a perfect position at his place at the right time, I'm not going to stick with this guy for rest of the month, hell NO for that! So, I decided to quit and joined my ex-boss! I'm happy now, happy for my ex-boss which already be my boss again now, flexible working hours, flexible leave day and ect. 

However, I found myself this story quit boring tho and I don't know why I still decided to post this up, perhaps just for the memory haha! Adding to this, yes, I'll be working at KL starting next month. Even it's happen so sudden but I believe in one quote "everything happens for a reason", this will be help me for my future especially for my career and studies wise.

Let's end this chapter here and will tell you people about the love story tomorrow, how about that? Haha! 

Late Raya Wishes...!

To all my Muslim's friends, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri and maaf Zahir Batin. It's a bit weird indeed to wish after the real day if Raya but I believe it's not too late to wish now since Raya will be one month period! Anyhow, don't blame me for the late wishing, blame the damn bloody TM port that always down when lightning and only got back to online today morning which made me felt much alive.

Sorry for being away for quit sometime, what else reason could other than busy with study right! Am I missed out to say busy with work? Yes, I am! I already quit my job from my current company as purchasing coordinator and will continue my work with my ex boss at Bangsar, KL next month, which I'm on my annual leave start 1st August till 31st August.

There's so much of story, real story that I wanted to share with all of you, about my personal life, work life (of course the new one) and the exciting one. Guess which one? Haha my love section of course! Well, I don't happy to mix up raya wishes with my personal content so let the personal chapter be a independent section though. Otherwise, Selamat Hari Raya once again to all of you!

Welcome me back...

Indeed it's been a while I'm away from the blog due to mainly about work and my life, nothing much about the study, it's on going process so nothing much to talk about it. So much of things that I've been gone through during the hibernation period from blog. I can't write everything because I've got lot's to tell and write, to share perhaps. I do miss my blogs everyday, whenever I wanted to write but I was really tired mentally and physically after work, so much things needed my attention to sort things out.

There's a huge changes in my work life, in my career path to be precise. As all of you aware, my ex boss (David) was resigned and my department was "bossless" for 6 month where the responsibilities on manager fall on few people shoulder and I was one of those. During that period, my department was split into two main department and I was located under Mine Technical Department, not to forget I was been the most of time as acting manager. It was a total nightmare by facing top management but still I able to handle and solve those issue wisely.

I still remember, it was on 23rd of may 2012, purchasing department manager wanted to meet me after my weekly production meeting. I though it was a normal discussion with him about works but he offered me a opportunity to expend my career knowledge in a total new world and a total new working environment. At first, I was about to reject the offer but he reluctantly want me to re-think about the offer and get back to him and the time that he gave me is only about 8 hours to decide. In that 8 hours, I was struggle to make a right decision but the next morning I decided to accept the offer. I officially joined purchasing department as purchasing superintendent on 1st of June 2012 and it's been 22 days. Anyway, let me share more about work next time. 

Now, let's us talk about my life. There comes a interesting part that you guys always waited for hahaha. In terms of myself, I'm going crazy because I'm just doing everything that I like but one must be excluded when I say everything which is having fun. Finally I realize that it's the time to pamper myself with everything I wanted. Guess what I warded for myself this year...want to see? 

A samsung Air-Cond....*just ignore the ugly part down there*

Guess what I've now, The New Ipad!!! hahaha finally...

Not enough with this, I'm thinking to get MacBookPro soon by this or next month. I'm going to be Apple family soon haha.

Coming to my love life, hmm how to say. Yes, I'm dating with a guy name Jef, a doctor at KL government hospital. Know him for quite some time and we been dating for almost 3 months now. Both of us yet to think about the commitment, the main reason is because we like the way we are right now. Plus to this, both of us pretty occupied with our own schedule especially him, what else you can aspect from a doctor time table. Alright, I'm not going to expose too much about my love life for now, let's save it for the coming entry. So for now, just stay tune hahax....

It's had been paid at last...

Finally, all my hard work at office throughout the last year it's going to be paid by end this month with the 50% of increment, first in the history of my company for over 15 years and highest in my department while those engineers and geologist get only average 9%. I don't mean to compare with others but I should really proud of myself on my achievement.

I'm not sure how good I am in my work but my boss know me well. It was a fine sunny day on Thursday and I was doing my work, setting up my new department. Puan Azita, out company HR payroll officer, the one that "so so" close with me at office buzz me in skype and told me that I got 50% increment this year for my last year performance. I don't believe at all that point of time until I see the spreadsheet, add to this, this kind of information is entire P&C, yet she told me because she happy for me.

Working life during the year of 2011 indeed a tough year ever which so much of challenges, I'd go through one by one. Coming early at 6am to work and leave office at 9pm/10pm, sometime even leave office at 1am! Crazy right? Haha but I enjoyed it so much even I'm busy but I like the work load which kept me busy and tired, learned so much including engineering stuff, I just simply like to learn new things!

All this credit will definitely go to my boss David who already resigned from my company early February. A big lost for me, he's good friend and a good boss too. Whatever it is, I'm happy, really happy!

Not to hope too much....

I don't know where to start but let's begin with my feelings. I just simply feel happy for those people happy with their boyfriend and all I can say for those still single is don't worry people, the right time is yet to reach you but once reach you'll then realize how valuable your waiting is! Serious, this is what I'm feeling now! Is not that I'm becoming the old me, the emo one but I just simply turned to be like this.

All of you know how much I'd trusted Alif in my life, I never trusted like that in my life before yet I trusted him. At last, he broke the trust which he gained for him from me. After the break, I just can't trust anyone in my life. I seriously don't feel anything in my heart, even I saw a guy passing me I just being like a puppet. Unlike my housemate makes some kind of comments about those guys which attract his attention.

I'm too much tired of taking care of my own feelings, I feel numb! Sometimes I do hope that I wanted to hug and lay my head on their shoulder, cry and letting go everything in my heart but I don't is either I'm ego or finding a right one to share, at last I tend to keep it with me without sharing anything. I started to ignore peoples, less smiling at people, less talk to people, less spend time with people and less caring about people. I become more silent and care my own business, some of you may found I didn't reply comment or put my views at your blog, I'm just too tired of taking care others business. It's your life, you have the rights to choose what is right and what is wrong, you should know what you're doing so who am I to stop or comment? So I decided to become a silent reader instead and will be comment those I think nothing to do with your life.

Talking about the title, is about a guy name J.E.F. (find out the real name if you're clever enough). Trying his level best to know me more, always like to throw me a question and like to irritate me yet I'm happy because he like make me laugh. Good looking, yes! Even he is showing his interest on me and trying to convince to take it slowly but I didn't hope anything from anyone. I'm tired of hoping for something which I'll never get! So I told him not to hope too much from me, I'm enough with this. Well, if he really like and love me, only me, he'll get me!

Happy for my housemate :)

I though wanted to update the blog tomorrow which is Saturday because I'll free doing nothing other than study but at last I decided to update it right away even though I've like tonnes of office which need my attention!

I guess it's the right time for me to spend some time talking about my housemate Abang Fakhrul, age 37 and working at a well known hotel in KL. We become friends when I moved in to his house at Cheras couple of month ago. I've no problem living with him because we both are in the same boat after all so not to worry too much about feelings.

He is now officially in a relationship with a police officer who currently working penang. they both seems happy together, after a month of dating, finally they declared! Don't ask me who is top and bottom, that's not my business to know. His bf age is 23 which is same age with me, yet, I've no problem with it because love is blind indeed. sometime we just can see through in this kind incident. Age is just a number and it doesn't going to effect anything in your life, especially in our love life. They'd exchanges rings and chain as a love sign and the sweetest part was his bf bought a phone for him, I mean it's fine for you to express your love in anyway as long as you do it with your honest heart :)

I'm happy for them, really! I'm just enjoying seeing everyone around me enjoying their life with the love and it doesn't mean that I'm alone without anyone in my life ok. I am enjoying watching you guys growing everyday in creating relationship but remember to not hurt anyone. If you can't promise anything then don't promise, try to explain so that the other side can accept the fact of your decision.

Anyway, to not run out from the entry, I would like to congratulate my housemate and his bf. Happy love life forever new couples!!!

I'm not ready yet.....

Even though there are few, perhaps should I say 3 guys which trying their level best to make me understand their feelings towards me, I'm just not ready enough to accept their love at this moment. Is not that I can't feel their feelings but I just wanted to be free and take my own sweet time to think about the love.

Yes, indeed sometime I felt like wanted to have someone in my life again for love and live together but one should remember I must take the previous incident as a lesson in my life. It is not I don't want them but I just too scare to love again, a guy name call Halim, Jef, and Mie who always text me and keep me accompany. I really appreciate that and I'd told them clearly I'm not ready for this yet, still I do give them chances to proof their love, still I'm not giving them hope on me.

Trust, is not easy to gain! It just need time so much of time and it just so hard for me to gain that again on others. I just don't have the love feelings in my heart anymore, even I saw some guys I felt like nothing, just simply look at them. Is not fair for me to say I've been gone through so much in my life because there are some people like Halim don't get a chance to feel the love from his mother, which I felt so terrible.

Whatever it is, I'm not ready to stand up again. I wanted to sit down and get rest. I don't want to give hope to anyone on me, I don't want them to get hurt because of me. I always wanted the best for them and everyone. Seriously, I don't feel lonely at all because I'm quite occupied with my office work and my study. Moreover, Alif is still contacting me and keep in touch via ym so I didn't see any reason being lonely and I've no time to think about that. Whenever I felt lie wanted to have boyfriend I'll divert my thinking on others.

........ , go away from my life then!

"Don't try to change my life, this is my life and if you don't like, go away then!" This is what Ken asked me for on yesterday. And it's now officially there's nothing between me and Ken because there are something which both of us can't accept the fact that we wanted in our life.

It's been two weeks I know Ken and should I say it is really early for me to judge him but he made it simple for me. Ken is a good guy, very caring and easily get jealous if I hang out with someone. Yes I understand his normal typical feelings like those guys but there's one thing that I can't accept in my life which is I've to share him with his scandals. I'm happy because he told me truth that he have scandals but I was so disappointed when he said he can't leave his scandals for me nor his lover.

I am open minded but I pleased to say that I'm open minded not in everything! I'm a kind of person like when I fall for something, I'll make sure the things is only belongs to me, no one can take away from me but when Ken said he can't leave his scandals which mean I've to share him! What kind of fuck relationship is that? At first I though he would change it for me but he say no, he'll remain the same and there's nothing I can do anymore.

Ken: you still want me?

Me: Yes if you willing to leave all your scandals and be mine.

Ken: No, that's not going to happen. Don't try to change my life, who are you!

Me: Then don't try to change me and accept the way you're because who are you then in my life!

Ken: Go away from my life.

Me: Sure, you asked for it!

The best part is, he told me that he'd sacrifice for this relationship which is he walk from the LRT station to my house! Come on, Alif does that like thousand time and he never complaint anything! Ok, just forget about Alif, don't tell me that I didn't sacrifice anything for this relationship, I sacrificed more than he do! At last, he made the decision to end this even before getting into a serious stage. I'm fine with it because single life is not a new thing for me, I've been go through such a hard time than this!

Always remember guys, I'll always act upon the request. Ken request me to delete his picture, number and messages, so, I did as per his request! I've no feeling for him at all now, just a empty heart with contain of freedom feelings which I no need report to anyone. I can go where ever I want, do what ever I want and I no need to care anybody. I'm happy, really happy with I am now.

Happy valentines day to everyone. Remember, life is not about finding the right person but creating the right relationship, it's not how we care in the beginning but how much we care till the very end.

Who to trust...???

A tough week indeed I've gone through recently, everything seems not in the right place and put me in a difficult stage to make decision. Even though it is difficult but I know I've to make decision in certain stuff.

Guess what, there's come a situation which make me feel like who to trust in my life! Everyone is telling a different story about each other. Alif is telling one thing about Fakrul, Fakrul is telling Alif something. The fun part is Ken is telling something about Alif which really teared me apart. Well, I can't just believe everybody comments without investigate or saw it with my own eyes. But one thing I'm not sure what is wrong with this people all, are they trying to protect me or just, I don't know.

Yes, there's a point of time where I trust Alif because I trust and love him, even Fakrul trying to influence me sometime, I'll always trying to avoid the negative thinking but I still do trust him even now. Please don't ask me why but I just trust his word, perhaps I've been with him for 1 years I but right after each one telling different story I stop to trust him right away. As I'd told previously, he just don't know what he want in his life. Few days after we break I told him about Ken and guess what he started to be protective, become emotional and say if hard to let me go but he wanted to be concrete in his decision! * I was like fuck off man!!!*

I just can't trust Ken words about Alif either! Well he told me that Alif is his friend scandal and did asked Ken to have sex with him before! I was shock for a moment after hear it but I don't know whether Ken telling truth or not because I know Ken only for the past 2 weeks. Ken really don't like me to talk about Alif nor my past life, he easily get angry or jealous of it. We'd have mouth fight 2 times.

I mean he is trying his level best for me to gain trust on him and accept him in my life but I just tired of the game call "love". I don't know how to describe my feelings right now and my views on love but one thing I'm really sure which is I'm tired, seriously tired of it. I felt like what I'd previously for love such as being loyal, trust, understanding and sacrifice is all like rubbish which don't have meanings at all. I don't have the energy to built the trust and honest on others anymore, indeed I needed time for myself for some time and it is up to Ken whether he want to wait for me or move on with his life, I won't stop him from choose what is the best for me.

My heart is just merely can't feel anything when I see a guy or girl, feel numb yes! When a guy look at him, I'm like ah whatever, is your eyes and you can look wherever you want. I don't blame anyone because it is no body fault. What I believe is in god, I'm sure he always wanted the best for me. For now, what am I most concentrating is 80% in my study, 15% in my work and 5% only 5% in my life. I'm just too tired of caring what's going on around me since everyone is trying their level best to take advantages on me. Let them be, just let them be!

Things just didn't work out...

Sorry for being away for a while, I'm just too much busy with my life! Everything is seems so rushing in my life but things just didn't work out between me and Alif recently until we reached the point where needed to make a ultimate decision by me.

Alif just doesn't know what he want in his life and to be honest, he never love me at all for over the 1 year but he be with me just as friend. Well, I'm not blame him because I know love can't be force but it must grow itself in heart.

But I believe that 1 year time is indeed sufficient to understand a person feelings towards you and I'm tired to expressing my feelings at Alif. I though he'd love me but I was wrong and it was total misunderstanding by me he told me. He did everything just as as friend so which mean I'm the one who acted like stupid and putting love on him!

I'm tired of sacrificing for protect this relationship all this while but I never see Alif effort to make things better. There's no point only one person sacrifice in a relationship and at last I made a ultimate decision to end this relationship and because friend as he always wanted, he agree for it and seems really happy too.

I'm sad, yes! But 80% I'm happy at least I no need to worry about to protect this relationship alone and I'm happy because I know I made a right decision. New relationship, not at this point of stage I say but I may review it in future as there's a cool and romantic guy putting his effort to get me name, ken! Mix Japanese, tall, very tall 194cm which I'm not up to his shoulder. Let's talk more about him later and welcome me back to SINGLE life!!!

First time fight......

Korang pernah tak gaduh ngan bf korang? Well, me and Alif did have fight hahahah and it was really fun to fight with the one you love actually. It is not enough only love fill everything in a relationship but a bit happy, a bit sad, a bit sour, a bit fun and not to forget fight! Fight is not in a sense of slap each other or biting each other but a tiny mouth fight haha. It's kind of fascinating anyway, right?

Sebenarnya, housemate aku plan nak gi redbox jumaat minggu lepas tapi tak jadi plak. Alif ni kalau bab2 karok ni memang akan jadi gila hahaha sebab dier suka nyanyi...biasalah sebab setiap malam sebelum tido mesti dier akan nyanyi untuk aku hehe (malu saya tau :p) So Alif meroyan lah sebab tak dapat nak pergi karok and aku pun cakap lah kita pergi karok biasa jewlah kat area kita orang tinggal tapi dier xnak plak sebab dier cakap tak best nyanyi sorang and akku plak xnak nyalak. Yerlah, nanti tak pasal2 orang semua mati sebab gempa bumi kan hehe suara very the merdu gitew...

So lepas dinner malam tu masa on the way balik tu, kita orang borak lah pasal karok tu tiba2 Alif yang tengah makan ice cream angkat tangan and aku pun mengelak lah sebab ingatkan dier nak pukul aku ker aper...jeng3..... nak tau apa yang berlaku selepasnya :

Alif: Eh kenapa dengan awk ni?

Aku: Awk tu ha..angkat tangan nak pukul saya :(

Alif: Eh maner ada...saya angkat tangan nak tunjuk belakang lah...

Aku: Yerlah tu..ni kes nak pukul orang sebab tak dapat nak pergi karok lah ni

Alif: Lah..orang nak tunjuk karok kat belakang...bukan nak pukul awk ...awk tu perasan sangat

Aku: Oooo saya perasan lah sekarang? Yang awk nak pukul saya kenapa?

Alif: Bila masa plak saya nak pukul awk..awk tu salah faham...

Aku: Awk jangan..saya ada bukti haaa

Alif: haaa aper bukti awk? Saya nak tau sekarang jugak....

Aku: ah saya tak kisah...awk nak pukul saya tadi...

Pergaduhan ini berlangsung sehingga ke pintu umah dan.....

Alif: Eh umah awk bukan kat sini...kat sana tu..suh suh suh

Aku: Ok...fine..(sambil berjalan ker arah lain)

Lepas masuk umah :

Alif: eh kenapa masuk sini? Ni bukan bilik awk..

Aku: Ok xperlah saya tido kat luar (tapi tido kat bilik jugak hehe)

Hari kedua (sabtu)!!!

Aku: Awk..bang fakrul cakap malam ni kita pergi red box

Alif: Eh yeker..bestnya

Fakrul (housemate): Eh pepek...u ada kelas hari ni?

Aku: ada bang! (buat muka sedih)

Fakrul: jangan pergilah..hehehe

Alif: Gi kelas! (suara marah)

Aku: Baik tuan....(buat mulut muncung kat fakrul)

ok lah we all had fun kat red box and dalam LRT it was fun with Alif making joke macam orang asing hahaha. Ber-encik2 hahahah was really fun tapi boleh dier tarik aku pergi kat polis kata aku ditinggalkan hahahah jahat tau dier tu...and kita orang dinner kat hotel yang abang fakrul kerja..gaduh lagi...

Aku: Awk..hensenya abang fakrul dalam uniform dier...

Alif: Yang awk meroyan ni kenapa?

Aku: Lah kenapa plak..ada aku kesah...awk....abang fakrul hensem lah wak...

Alif: ada aku kesah! awk..saya nak rantai macam awk pakai tu...

Aku: rantai macam ni...(buat muka pelik)

Alif: hmm kita tau xkan dapat..

Aku: awk.... :( sampai hati awk ckap macam tu...

Alif: Ada aku kesah...hahahahahahahah

Aku: awk..jangan lah macam ni wak..awk tak pernah buat saya macam ni...

Alif: lah..aper yang saya buat? oooo awk main2 boleh...tapi saya nak main2 ngan awk xleh plak...

Aku: awk tu cakap ada aku kesah :(

Alif: dah awk yang ajar...

Aku: SAya bukan ajar awk..saya cakap kat abang fakrul...

Alif: Tapi saya boleh dengar!

Aku: awk buat lah penghadang.....

Alif: hahahah lawak lah awk ni...

Hari Ke-tiga (ahad)

Lepas breakfast dalam kul 10.30am... :

Alif: Yang awk bawak banyak beg ulang alik ni kenapa?

Aku: 1 beg ni laptop, 1 beg ni baju dan buku...

Alif: Xyah...letak dalam satu beg...boleh muat tu...

Aku: wak....

Alif: xyah nak ngada2..letak dalam satu beg...

Aku: hmm ok awk

hahah that's all pergaduhan yang sweet sangat antara saya ngan alif last week. Hahah saya happy sangat sebab sebelum kita orang tak pernah gaduh langsung...I love him so much :)