Friday, December 30, 2011

It's time to say hello to :::Good Bye:::

Guess what, it's time to warp up 2011, a year with so much of feelings, happy, sad, disappointment, challenges, ect ect ect. No one realize that time really flies just like river that never stop from flowing. However, those moment taught me to become more stronger in my life and how I should be in future.

Personal Life

Hmmm let's see what can I talk here! I always taught myself to let go the past, keep the goods and throw the bads. I'm sure all of you aware how my family members are and I'm not talking bad or let you guys look down on them but it's a bit too much for me to accept for what happen throughout the year. What ever it is, none of it stop me from keep moving forward, that's for sure. I've been through a lot in my life but none of them stop me to continue walking on my life journey. What I think is right, I'll do it. What I think is wrong, I'll think twice. What I think I'm not sure, I'll always seek for advice.

Some say I'm a good adviser which I don't how good I am in that part but I'll try my level best to advice for those needed my help. I'll always there for everyone, include my enemy. No matter how many times I fall, I never fail to rise again! I always learn from my own mistake and learn from other mistake. My life taught me to put myself in others shoe to feel their pain. Everyone have their own problem and I've mine, I taught myself to find the solution for it instead of wasting my time to think about the problem which ain't going to gain me anything.

I'm happy with what I've in my life now and god knows what's the better thing for me! Nothing is impossible for me, I believe everything is easy but just the matter of whether I trust myself or not, I know I believe in myself.

Love Life

What else can I say other that this is happiest year for me when Alif proposed me indirectly. I'll never forget that moment! As I always mention, love has no border but your heart should be placed at one person which deserve the most, I choose Alif! I'm so attached to him and I know one day he'll choose the right way, I'm already prepared to face that situation. Love is all about, understanding, give and take but love is not all about sex!

There is few asked me why we haven't have sex yet? Is sex really necessary in a relationship? Yes, I understand that sex is to show how much a person love you but not only sex can does that, there are lot's of way which can a person show how much he love you. As for now, both of us yet to concern about the sex part and we're happy with our current life.

Yes, humans needs indeed are really high especially when you saw a handsome guys which is your taste and easy to fall. I admit that because I'm a human as well but when ever I does that, I always force myself to think about Alif, Alif will be always in my mind and heart which wakes me up from the devil's! For now, I'm happy with Alif because he know me better and I know him better. No one can replace Alif in my life, I just simply love him with the way he is now :)

Work Life

Nothing much about work life but indeed a year with full of challenges and a bit slower than last year. I'm too tired I guess, perhaps needed a vacation to relax my mind. I'm so proud of myself for my own achievement throughout the year plus the position I am now. I'm not sure how many young people are like me out there but this is a bit more that I though off. Being in this position is not easy, sometime I just have to make a right decision to protect my people. What ever it is, I always motivate myself to do better :)

Friends Life

Thanks to all my blogger friends especially Abang Daus, Abang Numan, Abang Dam, Abang John, Akmal, Abang Zainin and all the other friends for the support that have been given me to all this while. Not to forget my dear Abang Zack that already married on 25th December 2011, I'm really happy for him for the decision that he made, right one! I'm sad because he no more going to blog but I believe that I'll gain one after I lost one.

If anyone wanted to be my friends, you are always welcome. I've no problem to be friends with anyone as long as you don't over the border. There are few friends asked me get away from their life and I did but now they want to be friends with me again. I'm sorry to say, I'll never turn back once I made my decision after you requested so! This is me where no one can change me except Alif :) I never choose anyone to be my friend and everyone deserve to be friend with me.

Final Words

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone and I really appreciate for being a part of my life and for the advice all this while. I always here for everyone and will try my level best to help for those who needed.

It's my time to start a new life book with more confidence and brave enough to face more challenges! I believe in myself that nothing can stop me from my life journey which is still long way to go. I know it's not easy but nothing is impossible in my life to do anything. What ever had happened in my life I'm just let it go and learn from it and be prepare for the new year.

For 2012, I've few targets which I really need to work hard to get it done especially my study, going to be a tough year but I know I can do it. See you guys in 2012 and wish all of you have a wonderful new year!

It's time to say good bye 2011 and it will be always in my memory :)

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Lesson Learned......

I'm sure most of you are aware of the recent incident about me and Zam. I don't want to comment more on that part since I'm trying to get rid of it. As I said before, I been straight forward with Zam that I cannot continue have feelings on him anymore and he know the reasons. However, I can't ask him to stop the feelings on me because that's his right and who am I to say no. Love have no border so if he still love me then it is his problem not mine, as for me I already close the chapter.

I do received lots of comment for such incident, some do comment in the blog, some do text me, some do called me and some do drop me massage in FB. Thanks guys and I do appreciate all those comments and at the same time I do lost my dignity. I indeed shamed myself by have such feelings on others while having someone in my life. I can never forgive myself for this and will find a perfect time to talk with Alif about this, I'll let him to make the decision and I'll obey for it no matter what he decide.

At this moment I'm trying to recover from the guilty feelings which hunting me for almost everyday. I know some would say not to worry because I've never done anything yet but one must remember even love have no border but you shall give your heart to only one person which deserve for it!

I always learn from the mistake and this mistake indeed tough me a big lesson. Human are always easy to make mistake but the matter of point is whether did we learn from it or not. When ever before I did something, I will always remind myself to think twice. Let's learn together :)

Friday, December 9, 2011

Wrong way...!

Today, well not exactly today and I know this guy name Zam. He already married with few kids which already grew up and studying at college, university level. He is about early 40 years old, I guess! I know him like 4 to 5 month but at first I get to know him as friend, perhaps as brother I guess.

We always chat at YM, talk in the phone and sms sometime. Day by day, I don't how to describe it 100% but at least I know some how rather this kind of feeling is wrong! I'd tried to fight the feelings but it growing up aggressively inside me with my knowledge but I'd nothing to stop. Even though me and him (Zam) didn't contact each other daily, often to be precise but when we saw each other in YM we'll started to chat and he'll so kind to me by using romantic words which I always melt for! I won't said it as a love on him but just like him that's all but he do love me!

And today, I felt so bad towards Alif and feel cheating behind him, indeed I am! Me and Zam planned to meet end of this month but right after everything is completed such as planning, I started to think what the fuck am I doing, I'm such a bitch! I'm so disappointed at my behavior and shame at myself for doing such without Alif knowledge, how cheap I am!

I just can't understand why can I tell the truth to those wanted to tackle me that I already have bf and control my feelings at them but why can't at Zam? Is that because he always talk sweet to me? I don't know and I can't understand why. But at last I'd made up my mind that this is entirely bullshit and fucking wrong which is not right at all, indeed it is not right! This is not me, not a real me, I'm so weak! I felt so bad for what I've done and I know there's no point being sad what had happen but rather find solution to solve it.

Well, I really can't forgive myself for this to let such things occurs. The first big mistake that I was made is create the feelings on Zam and let me flow on it! I know it's not too late to solve this but I must learn from it, that is why human always makes mistake, am I right and this is not the right excuse, I know! But however, I must stop it right away and be straight forward at Zam for let him have no feelings on me anymore and same goes to me as well. I know he like me but I'm belong to only Alif, not for others! I do feel sorry for Zam and of course Alif what I had did to him!

No matter what happen, I'm only for Alif until our relationship end! I love you so much awk....

Monday, November 21, 2011

Brain ask....Heart answer....!

Today morning while listening music and doing my work at office, my brain started to think and throw me a question all of sudden.

Brain: Why you want to stick with one while out there have so many like you and want you in their life?

Within a second my heart answer the brain question

Heart: Out there may have thousands people who like and wish to have you in their life but only one person who love you, Alif!

I started to smile all alone my office room without a reason thinking about him, only him in my mind and heart.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

HIV test....!

Me: Awk, sejak kebelakangan ni saya asyik rasa letih lah wak :(

Alif: Knp? Awk tak tak cukup rehat tu :)

Me: Entahlah wak, saya tadi ada baca tanda2 HIV wak

Alif: Knp tiba2 nak baca benda macam tu?

Me: Xderlah wak, entah saya tiba2 terbaca hehe

Alif: So, apa yang dier tulis dalam tu?

Me: Dier tulis kalau ada HIV akan rasa letih, berat badan akan menurun, sering sakit kepala,
xder selere nak makan tapi saya ok jew nak waktu makan heheheh

Alif: Awk, Awk rasa letih sebab awk tak cukup rehat, berat badan awk xpernah turun lah wak asyik 50kg jew dari dulu sampai skrg hehehe awk sakit kepala sebab awk ada migrain. Pasal makan tu awk ada jew kot selere nak makan hahahaha

Me: Awk jahat heheheh awk, saya skrg ke klinik ambik ubat demam. Leh tak kalau nak buat HIV test sekali just untuk precaution wak..

Alif: Hmmm buat jewlah, alang2 dah pergi tu

Me: Baik tuan!

Yes, I'd the HIV test. It was so damn scary waiting for the result to come out. I did the test on monday and the result expected to come on friday!

Me: Awk, saya dah buat test. Result akan kuar jumaat nanti. Habis darah saya wak :(

Alif: Hmmm ok lah tu. Knp plak darah habis?

Me: Yerlah wak, dahlah sikit jew darah itupun doktor dah curi hehehe

Alif: Awk ni hahahaha

Me: Wak, saya takutlah wak..takut result tu nanti :(

Alif: Eh awk ni...xder apa lah. Kita fikir positive k :)

Me: Ok wak thanks :)

Day by day, on wednesday evening at about 6pm doctor text me regarding the result.

Doc: Pat, your result is out.

Me: Hmmm let's hear it!

Doc: Hahaha good news, you free from HIV test hahahaa

Me: Hahahah OMG! Thank you so much doctor hehe will visit you tomorrow

Doc: Sure, will looking forward to meet you as well :)

Me: Awk...result dah kuar...yeayyyyyy saya free dari HIV hahaha

Alif: Syukur allahmdullilah (sorry if the spelling is wrong)

Me: hahahah wak...I miss you hehe

Alif: Miss u 2

Yes guys, I'd HIV test which is good to know my own health condition. Alif also want to do the test as well. Is not about you had sex with who but it about your health to know the status.

I did mine and when is your turn?

Do you trust him....???

Well, not one but more ask me this question over and over! Do you trust whatever Alif said to you? What would my answer will be other than 'yes, of course I trust him'! Yes, I'd said before trust no one in your life except yourself but when it comes to a relationship you must trust partner as how you trust yourself.

Yes, it's risky to trust a person but when it's about relationship, is nothing without trust! Me and Alif is living really far away, not even meeting every week like before but I trust him and he trust me. Love is all about trust each other! What ever me and Alif doing, we always will inform each other no matter important or not. Sometime, yes he'd stopping me from doing something and I never consider that as a he taking control over me but rather think positive as he taking care of me, who know better what's good and bad.

We all are learning everyday and I always learn new things and behavior from Alif indirectly. I know about Alif, know better than others. That is why when people say something like want to tackle him, I'll always say go ahead because I know who is Alif and how will he react :)

Trust me, love will never workout without trust! If you really love a person then you've to trust your lover. As for me, I always trust Alif and he'll never lie to me. Even if there is, I'm sure he have reasonable reason for it :)

I love you wak heheh :p

Monday, November 14, 2011

Be prepared....!

It's been a while from the earlier post and my sincerely apology for being late. As can be predicted from the title, yes, I'm prepared myself to face the future consequences with Alif. Some of you might be thinking what the hell I'm talking about!

As all of you aware, I'm now officially with Alif I mean he already proposed indirectly couples of week ago. What I meant here is, it's about our future after this. I know one day Alif will married with someone and I've to prepare mentally and physically to accept the reality. I know is easy to say and hard to do but I've no other choice other than taking this risk.

Well, life is all about taking risk. We all taking bunch of risk without we knowing but I know and realized about it. No matter what, my life is just full rick everyday. I know gay relationship won't last forever but I really solute those really keep it till end of their life. I wish my relationship will be till end of my life with Alif but I know his planning, he might get married at the age of 28.

I know, one day I'll facing a situation where like the whole world gone black but I should keep in mind the promises that I'd made for him. Yes, it sounds crazy yet I'm happy to be beside him but after he get a new life with his future wife! I mean I'm happy if he's happy, that's enough for me.

I'd prepared myself how am I going to live without him and I'm sure I can, nothing is impossible for me at all and Alif know me well. Even I prepared but I do sometime seems worry, that's normal anyway because I'm human as well, right? The point here is, I'm really happy with him, only with him :)

Monday, October 31, 2011

A card with thousands of love...

Hey gays opps guys hahax, Alif gave me a birthday card at the same day when he gave me big boy. A card indeed full of meaning, even there's don't have a single words of love but I can feel it in my heart that he already started to love because I feel it from the way he talk and from the way he look at me.

Anyway, since the I was put everything on the previous blog about events so nothing much to talk now but he'd warned me to only open after I reach Pahang. Well, you know me right so I was trying to open the cover under the table while eating pizza and he can spot all of my movement, damn! Where did he learn that from...? At last, Ionly managed to open and read it in the bas when I back to Pahang and I was smiling all the way back from KL hahax, it was so lovely.

Let's have a look at it....!

ps: Kindly email me at to get the password after click the adds yeah. Korang leh tak jangan kedekut clicking the adds kan...harta korang takkan hilang tau hahaha....

Happiest day ever in my life

Hey everyone, I don't know how to describe my feelings right now since yesterday but what I can tell now is I'm extremely happy. Yes, I'm extremely happy! Want to know why? After so long, almost 1 years waiting for Alif is really worth at the end, worth to wait for such a long period :)

Yesterday, as we'd planned earlier to watch Johny English Reborn even it's a bit old movie but worth to watch to release tension. Even thought the movie is at 4pm but I already at KLCC since I wanted to print some of the picture of me and Alif for frame it, once done when to Kinokuniya to get some book. Yes of course I bought some book for RM120++ and reading "The Innocent Man" by John Grisham while waiting for Alif, finally I finish reading the book.

Once Alif reached we straight went to bought some drinks and popcorn, by that time I saw him carrying something inside and I started to ask him:

Me: Wak, aper tu wak?

Alif: Barang saya...

Me: Barang awk? Aper tu wak?

Alif: Dah orang kata barang saya....!

I stop asking since after he said such and not to ask more. It's time to watch movie but I felt like wanted to pee, what else other than go to toilet right. Once after I came back and sat down, all of sudden Alif handed over something to me and I was so shock...! Guess what? It's a teddy bear for my late birthday gift, OMG!!! Everyone is the theatre watching me with the teddy bear hahax, I just didn't aspect it from him at all. I was like flying on the sky, just imagine you get something from someone you love the most hahahaha I felt like I'm going crazy. I was hugged the bear from the start of the movie till the end, to be honest I didn't watch the movie at all but looking at the bear and Alif hahaha.

Right after the movie we went to Pizza, oh my guchie! I was carrying the bear all along from KLCC to my room Alif but KL people are really WTF man like they never saw a man walking with teddy bear hahax even I was a bit shy hehe. Nevermind, who care right!

After we reach home, we took shower, talk to abang Fakhrul and went to sleep. Believe me or not, that was the night which make me feel like I'm the happiest person in the world man. That was the night he make so much of joke with big boy and me. Oh yeah, the bear was given a name by me "Big Boy" hahax, lovely right! All of sudden I was get stunned, totally stunned!

Alif: Ini anak kita lepas kita kahwin satu tahun..

Me: totally blurr...! But I was feel like jumping down from 14th floor of my apartment, that much of happy

Hahaha I've no words to describe and talk that time but yet enjoying his joke the whole night by holding his hand and sleeping on his chest. A lovely day and the happiest day ever in my life which I'll never ever will delete from my memory...

Now, let's have a look on some of the picture with Big boy together with his Papa and Mama hahax...

ps: Kindly email me at to get the password after click the adds yeah. Korang leh tak jangan kedekut clicking the adds kan...harta korang takkan hilang tau hahaha....

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Bulan special untuk kena marah....! Part 2

Haaa korang hambek part 2 ni...yang ni plak berlaku baru khamis lepas. Kan baru lepas deepali so aku makanlah maruku yang mama buat, lepas makan ya tuhanku muka aku dah start ada jerawat dan gatal (resdung) sebab dah lama tak buat rewatan resdung. Lagi pun resdung aku xlah teruk sangat so aku call lah Alif petang tu (aku mesti kena bagitau apa sajew xkira lah baik atau buruk mesti dier orang yang pertama yang aku gitau):

Saya: Awk, muka saya dah rasa gatal dan ada jerawat lik....

Alif: Eh kenapa leh jadi macam tu?

Saya: Entahlah wak, mungkin sebab saya makan maruku kot

Alif: Awk dah buat rawatan resdung?

Saya: Lum lagi wak...xder masa nak buat busy sangat ngan kerja

Alif: Lah kenapa? Awk ada jew masa bawak kakak Elvina gi buat kenapa awk tak buat?

Saya: Hehehe nanti lah saya buat kat KL erk

Alif: Kenapa nak buat kat KL? Awk dah beli tiket bas? Buat jew kat Lipis, KL mahal

Saya: A'ah wak dah beli bas kul 8am

Alif: Bila awk beli?

Saya: Hari tu masa hari deepavali hehe

Alif: Gatal...!

Saya: Awk, sampai hati awk cakap saya gatal...

Alif: Yalah, kenapa awk nak datang KL awal sangat? Tiket tu xleh tukar? Buat kat lipis jew rawatan resdung tu...

Saya: Baik tuan, saya buat kat Lipis erk

Alif: Hmm ok. Awk ni malas, dah baik sikit terus stop makan ubat dan cuci muka ikut time. Saya kenal sangat awk ni...pantang muka tu licin sikit terus stop semua....

Saya; Bwekkkkk :p

Hahaha macam ni lah kekdahnya, cedih aku asyik kena tegur kat alif bulan ni hahah tapi saya suka at least entah saya macam happy hehe. Sejak kebelakangan ini Alif dah start banyak tanya soalan macam

1. Pergi dengan sapa?

2. Pergi dengan apa?

3. Nak balik kul berapa?

4. Kenapa nak pergi waktu ni (kalau malam)

5. Nak buat apa pergi sana?

Banyak lagi lah, malas aku nak cite semua sebab ada certain tu aku nak simpan sebagai kenangan dalam hati saya hehehe. Hati saya 63GB macam Ipad tau hehe. I feel like he started to give somekind of hint to me and I know deep inside his heart he like me but he just don't want to show it. Hahax......

Bulan special untuk kena marah....! Part 1

Hye gays, aper khabar semua? Eh kenapa tiba2 entri ni dalam BM? Xder aper sajew hehe. Ok aku nak tanya ni, kat sini berapa orang yang selalu kena marah kat korang punyer suami or isteri? Aiyo I mean korang punyer bf lah, cakap bahasa BM tak paham, BI lagi lah korang tak faham kan. Stress aku..!

Well, bulan ni aku asyik kena marah kat Alif tapi yang peliknya dier bukan bf saya pun. Kalau nak cakap kawan aku marah tak pernah jugak sebab aku yang biasa marah kawan hahax. Alif pernah tegur saya sebelum ni tapi tak pernah plak marah saya macam bulan ni. Korang nak dengaq cite tak? Ok bagi yang buta huruf macam Abang Numan tu nanti aku record dan hantar bagi hang k, jangan risau hahax.

Aku rasa somwehere around 15th, yeah 15hb oktober 2 hari sebelum besday aku. So housemate yang desperate macam desperate housewife tu ajak lah aku gi clubbing kat BB tu, treat untuk birthday aku katanya. Mula2 aku memang kata xnak (lah aku kan suci dan alim bukan macam abang Numan) tapi kena paksa jugak so pergi jewlah. Masa tu aku dah macam xder harapan sangat kat Alif sebab entah macam dah letih menunggu dan frust so at least pergi sana nak pancing lah kot2 dapat bf (pandainya aku). Padahal pergi sana dok diam jew ngan housemate aku tu macam parasit dan lik umah dalam kul 4am.

Aku memang jarang tido 4am kecuali ada event tu biasalah kan tapi masa tu aku tetap akan bangun kul 6am, kira automatic lah hehe. Tapi kali ni aku tertidur sampai 11am! WTF! So Alif msg "good morning" dalam kul berapa entah aku pun reply lah 11am tu. Haaa there you go, dier dah start tanya soalan (sila rujuk kat bawah)

Alif: Eh baru bangun?

Saya: A'ah wak, baru bangun hehe

Alif: Awk biar betul, awk memang jarang bangun waktu macam ni? Awk tido kul berapa?

Saya: Heheh saya tido kul 4am wak. Lepak ngan abang Fakhrul

Alif: Lepak? Lepak kat maner?

Saya: Kat umah jew wak...

Alif: Hmmm ok saya dalam kelas ni nanti saya msg erk..take care

Korang bayangkan betapa pandainya aku tipu. Walaupun dier tak cinta tapi aku tak pernah tipu atau sembunyikan apa2 kat dier, memang dari dulu. Tapi kali ni aku dah pandai tipu dan takder perasan salah plak. Haaa korang nak tau apa aku buat lagi, kali ni aku pun xtau kenapa aku leh buat benda macam ni. Aku buka PR haaaa dna benda ni pun aku hide dari Alif. Tapi semuanya berubah pada hari isnin tepat pada besday aku...sukanya aku! Aku call Alif pagi tu (memang dah biasa aku call dier kalau rindu), masa tulah segala rahsia terbongkar!

Saya: Morning wak...heheh

Alif: Morning, minggu lepas awk pergi maner?

Saya: Xderlah wak, saya xgi mana2 pun (tipu lagi)

Alif: Awk, betul ni?

Saya: Hmm wak, jangan marah erk. Saya gi clubbing kat bb ngan housemate..

Alif: What! ............... (yang dot3 tu dier tengah marah) apa lagi yang awk buat?

Saya: hmmm wak...saya buka PR (dengan nada yang gementar)

Alif: Ya allah, awk blaja maner semua benda ni? Apa dah jadi kat awk ni? Awk ni kenapa? Awk delete benda tu sekrang jugak! Awk ingat PR tu baik sangat ker? Delete hari ni jugak!

Saya: Ok wak.... :(

Haaa korang cuba bayangkan thw whole day aku kena lecturer kat Alif sampai saya macam dah penuh otak saya. So apa lagi, lik umah terus delete PR tu dan inform dier terus, baru dier cool sikit. Tapi part yang dier paling marah adalah pasal clubbing memang aku entah walaupun just gi dudok jew dier tetap marah jugak. Aku pun xtau kenapa tiba2 dier marah tapi yang pastinya adalah aku memang takleh tipu dier. Bila dengar jew suara dier measti aku akan muntah segala, itu baru suara dier kalau face to face lagi lah sedangkan kena marah dalam hp pun leh buat aku macam nak pengsan apatah lagi face to face aku rasa aku akan masud wad ICU!

Tapi itulah, aku pun tak pasti kenapa tiba2 dier leh marah macam tu setahu saya tak pernah pun. Lagi satu dier tegur, dier cakap saya banyak tanya yang bukan2 kat dier hahaha. Padahal soalan tu dier dah jawab banyak kali tapi aku tetap gigih nak tanya lagi, haaa apa lagi kalau bukan tutup telinga hehehe

Wait for part 2 hokey sebab yang ni dah panjang nanti abang Numan stress nak baca sebab dier lemah semangat dan lemah syawat hahahahaha I like..!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

How I wish...!

How I wish I could have someone in my life right now for me to lay my head on his shoulder and let go all my pain by crying out loud! No matter how strong I am in my life yet I'm still weak in most area which need to workout to repair it. I don't know what kind of waiting game is this but I know my waiting will be worth one day.

I'm tired of this game and sometime I'm not even know what am I doing! I'm just walking on a road which I don't know where it'll leads me to but I kept walking. Why there's no one to hold my hand and leads me the way? Is that so hard to give me love? Is really hard to me to decide about Alif since he didn't give me a right answer at this moment as he always tell me he's not ready yet for relationship.

I'm too tired of thinking about this, I deciding to walk alone for the rest of my life. I merely can't trust anyone anymore, all is just play with my feelings. I don't know where's the mistake but I 'd trying my level best to keep it up. I'm human as well who have the same feelings like others, why can't they understand me? That's right, as else we can aspect from human but is that really hard to be honest with me?

sometime I just sit and think why can't human live without sex? Is sex are that important in love? Yes, sex is important in love in one way to show the love between two but that can't the first one in our life. I'm nor saying that I'm perfect, I agree that I'm not perfect like other but I'm perfect in my own way. Whenever I saw a guy which is more better than me, I always tell myself "It's ok Patrick, he deserve a better one"!!! I'm not putting or letting myself down but I know where I'm standing at, I always force myself to remind where am I standing at.

No one in this world that will understand that all I wanted is just a hug, just a hug which will make me feel calm down. A ear to hear what's in my heart, a hand to hold my hand and leads me the way, a chest to lay my head, a arm for hug me to make me feel I'm safe in your arm. Is that that hard to give me the above request?

I don't know whether there's someone who born for me or not but I believe even if there's no one, I'll walk alone myself through out the my life journey, I've to prepare myself for it. I believe in god that one day he'll show me that person! Believe or not, whenever I saw a guy which I like I feel like want to approach him but I don't know, I feel like something is blocking me to do such. Anyway, I can walk alone and I designed for it to face all the pain in my life. I know is not easy but I can, I trust myself...!

Monday, October 10, 2011

My special birthday present...!

Hey everyone, hope you all doing well. My october month really started with rushing! Damn, I hate that. I was really busy with my room decoration with Alif, buying stuff for room. Rushing for class and ect.

The most rushing part was that I was rushing to my foster sister wedding at Sabah, it was a long story. Actually, I was planned with my friend to attend her wedding but ended up with he cannot make it, so I've to cancel to attend the wedding too. At last, I was get fired by my sister and her husband with AK 47 so apparently, I attended the wedding at last. Hahax which was really fun for me even it is a short trip but happy enough to see my sister get married. Was fly to Sabah on friday night 8pm MAS flight at KLIA and back to KL on saturday evening Air Asia flight 3.45pm which was delayed for almost more than 1 hours! GOD...!!! Hope Air asia really know how to update their notification, is like shit!

Ok, let get to the point. For my coming birthday which is on 17th October next week monday, I want to make a bit different this time. If there's anyone which is my beloved follower and my silent reader wanted to meet me, is my pleasure. I'm willing to meet you guys on:

Saturday : from 9am to 2pm, 8pm to 10pm.
Sunday : from 9am to 12pm

Those who wanted to meet, I've problem with it. I'll be really happy if there is any and your wishes is more than enough as present for my birthday :) Therefore, kindly drop an email to this add to fix the date, time and place. Once everything is set, we'll take it from there, cheers guys :)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

New lights....

Went to buy some lights for me room after class at kuchai lama area! Well, not much of choice but still happy with what I've bought. Let's have a look on it ....

Nice one right?

So, what you thinks of it? For me, is more than enough living for a peaceful nights thought but feel like something is missing. Finally I got the answer after think for some moment, there's no one share this scenery with me.

Monday, September 26, 2011

No more hostel life hahax..!

Halo guys, guess what. No more hostel life for me anymore hahax because I already rent a room for myself at KL which I can go whenever I want. It'll only be my room after this, thought will be there on every friday evening until sunday evening and will be back to pahang after that, as usual for working hahax.

Let's see some photo of the room!

~Before start to deco the room~

~The cabinet that I bought (all in box theme) hahax

~Hahax indeed need some little more work in this hahax but better than previous!

By the way, I didn't deco the room at all but Alif did it. Yes, he the one who did everything. I just help on little little things. He helped me so much on this, he even got scar during move the cabinet to a side which make me so sad look at him but he is so lovely. I owe him a big time indeed!

PS: Safar burst out when he know that Alif help me and spent that night sleeping with me. Hey guys come one, he is gentlemen ok because he not even touch me with his finger!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

De-activation of FB

Yesterday, I officially deactivated my facebook due to Azmi's action which had made my heart so hurt. I just have no reason why am I so attached to him but since yesterday, everything ended!

I don't know how long the deactivation will be back to activate. It might be temporary or might be life long. It's all depends on the situation and my mood, if I feel comfortable without FB then I'll just live without it. I can, can live without.

I'm just wondering why he cannot be honest with me? If he just wanted sex, he could have just tell me instead of make me love at him. Nevermind, I'm going to live in my own world without anyone. I just feel good without anyone around me! Yes, I wanted a hand to hold me but I realize that I'm strong enough to rise again by myself without anyone. After this, everything will be on my own without looking for anyone...

Ps: I'm sorry for those who added my in FB, I really appreciate yours friendship with me :)
Pss: If you wanted to contact me by either my email of mobile, you can always request from here Just drop me an email and I'll consider about it :)

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Crush again..!

Damn, yesterday I went to KFC with my friend to have our gossiping session hahax. As normal, me and my friend straight to the KFC counter that Azmi worked before. Well, I've been there so many time so I'd noticed the manager work there but my mind didn't came across to know more about him, yesterday after we bought some meals and I bring it up to the second floor as usual.

After I sat, my friend told me that :

Friend: Do you know that guy?

Me: Who?

Friend: The guy at the counter lah...

Me: There's a lot of guy at counter!

Friend: The one who served us just now.

Me: No, why?

Friend: He ask me whether are you working together with me and I said yes but before not now.

Me: I don't know who is he!

At first I just forget about it but after I go back home, all of sudden he came to my mind hahax. Well, I think I crushed on him and search for his profile in FB, guess what! I manage to found it. After so many people like me and at last I crush on someone hahax. Want to see his picture? Here you go!

Handsome right? But I think he already have someone tho since he wearing a ring and moreover who want to be single by having a good looking face like him right hahax. Therefore, crush will be remain as a crush on him :)

PS: Kindly email to to get the password and don't forget to support me by clicking the advertisement yeah :p

Sunday, September 18, 2011

All I wanted....?

All I wanted from him is just

Hold my hand whenever I feel down and don't let my hand go!

Hug me tightly with is warm arms and whisper to me *Don't worry
Patrick, everything will be alright. I'm here for you*

Play like a baby with me!

I just wanted to be his baby for entire of my life that always look after me

I know, a friend can do this all but I prefer a person who will be only mine to do this to me. Don't you guys think the words is more precious if it is spells by him? I believe it is!!!

Not to worry :)

Hey everyone, everything back to track after been through a complicate situation couple of days ago. For this time being, even I'm not going to get that close with Azmi but just make it slowly and slowly get away from him. It means SMS and call will be limited for him, if he massage the I'll reply and not going to reply him. It's hard to get rid of the feelings towards him but this is the right way at this time being to get away from him slowly. Sometime, I do badly miss him and I just don't get it why am I so attracted to him hahaha.

However, I'm dating with a guy name Amir. I'm such a bitch hahax. It doesn't mean that I'm so desperate even it looks like it but sometime I just feel so lonely. Talk about Amir, I can't talk too much because I just get to know him. He's a bit shotter than me, fair and talk a lot hahahaha. Well, I believe people who talk a lot will always honest and won't keep anything in their heart, we'll see about in future.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Is it worth...?

After the earlier incident between me and Azmi really hunting me almost everyday! I don't know how to describe, can I say I like him as well? Well, that was the answer I like him but is it worth? I get so confused with this don't know whether I'm on the right track or leading towards to a wrong part?

Until today, I'm not really sure whether he got girlfriend even he said it verbally and he did told me that over and over again! However, he like me as well that's what he told me but a couple of days ago he mentioned in massage that he just want to enjoy with me! Am I a toy for him to enjoy? After I argued on this and replied me "then what else you aspect me to say? Say I'm going to marry you?" Well, I didn't aspect him to marry me but can't he just use some nice words when you talking no matter who you talking to?

The moment he said that, it reminds and made me think that one day he'll going to marry his girlfriend in future so what's the point for me put hope on him? Is it really worth? I just wanted a person who will be mine only. I'm so tired this few days think on this and once again I touched my heart, feel the hear beat!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Thought only 1 but hmmmm.....!

At first I though only one but then only I realize there's more than one! Hey guys, am I confusing you all? Ok, this entry will be a bit longer than usual because I'm going to talk about few peoples at here and let me do it in Bahasa instead but will add some English in the middle as well hahax.

Ok, jom kita dengar lagi citer benar. Sejak kebalakangan ini ada few perkara yang buat saya kecewa untuk bercinta lagi. Korang ingat lagi tak yang Safar hantar kad raya (Simple....yet make me happy) sebenarnya kad tu lambat sampai. Selepas dier hantar kad tu, dier dah dapat bf hanya saya jew yang dok verangan! Hello bukan salah saya k dan bukan salah dier jugak tapi salah mangkuk hayun posmen tu! Tapi lepas tau yang dier dah berpunyer saya berdiam jewlah, yalah takkan nak rampas deir dari kekasih dier kot. Saya tau perasaan seseorang apabila kekasih kita dirampas oleh orang lain. Tapi yang peliknya, masa takder orang suka 1 pun takkan ada, kalau ada 1 yang suka kat saya mesti ada lebih 1 yang suka kat saya ini yang saya stress ni.

Ceritanya macam ni, lepas tau hal sebenar kad raya ni Safar dah start meroyan nak suka kat saya balik. Tapi yang masalahnya dier sudah berpunyer so saya pun advice lah dier tapi dier boleh kata nak break ngan bf dier, mangkuk dier! Saya tau dier jujur dan setia suka kat saya tapi masalahnya cuba bayangkan perasaan bf dier biler safar cakap nak break ngan dier. Walaupun safar tak rasai kesakitan itu tapi saya tak perasaan sakit itu macam maner sebab saya tak rasai banyak kali, as I'd said before I tought myself to put feel others pain by putting myself in their shoes!

Tak cukup ngan masalah safar muncul plak seroang lagi yang bernama Kamal! Aduh, ni seorang lagi tapi at last dah settle secara baik ngan dier dan stay as friend. Yang ni dah ada gf saya ulang "GF" bukan bf hokey! Ni lagi dasyat kata suka kat saya tapi baru kenal berapa minggu jew kot, dari mula saya dah tau yang dier dah ada gf so limited kan tingkah laku dan cara percakapan yasaya kat dier tapi akhirnya dier declare jugak kat saya. Dier pun kena ceramah kat saya tapi dier ni at least tak cakap nak break ngan gf kalau tak saya dah lama break kepala dier ngan batu hahaha nasib baik dier tak cakap. Part yang paling best, dier siap bawak gf dier jumpa saya dan cakap lagi kat gf dier yang dier suka kat saya. Mula lah drama tapi saya jelaskan kat gf dier!

Saya: Akak, akak jangan risau saya ngan bf akak tu hanya kawan. Saya tau perasaan akak macam maner sebab saya pun manusia macam akak jugak....

Awek: Terima kasih dik, saya tak sangka adik dapat selamat perhubungan kita orang.

Saya: Xder masalah kak :)

Haaa macam ini lah perbualan masa jumpa gf mamat tu. Hahaha muka mamat masa tu pucat giler beb macam hantu pocong hahaha tapi ada aku kesah, orang cakap elok2 taknak dengar, ni haaa hambek kau...

Haaaa yang ini lagi dasyat siap ada agenda 18x lagi hokey, korang mampu? Haaa apa nak tau aper agenda 18x tu, tunggu lah cheq habaq slow2! Nama dier mi (nama shortcut asa nama manja), sama umur ngan saya 22 (tapi saya masih 21 sebab belum sampai bulan october lagi, verangan siot). Dier study kat UM dan satu kampung ngan saya plak tu, lah maner lagi kalau bukan KL kechik (kuala Lipis). Ni pun baru jew kenal few weeks ago. Tapi dier yang add saya dulu kat FB dulu lepas saya pun approve. Untuk pengetahuan korang, saya takkan approve orang sebarangan kecuali orang tu saya memang kenal sebab tu dalam fb saya ni pending friend list dekat 200 (kejam kan aku)! So lepas approve ni kita orang pun pm dalam tu jew mula2 memang takder apa lah just macam kawan biasa jew, masa tu dier kerja partime kat KFC. Lepas tu kita orang bercadang nak jumpa lah, so set lah date and time. Akhirnya tibalah masa untuk berjumpa, saya buat macam biasa jew takder apa2 pun cuma dier yang macam nerves sikit entah kenapa, mungkin saya terlaku comel kot hehehe.

Lepas jumpa kita orang borak2 sambil minum dan makan banana split, haaa korang banana split hahahaha takder makna tersirat k! Borak punyer borak sampai kul 12.30am pagi, aduh ok lah jom kita balik...masa ini lah yang berlakunya agenda 18x, masa kul 12.30am tu dah takder orang kat cafe tu hanya kita orang berdua jew, so kita orang jalan kaki sampai ker tempat parking kete dan saya salam lah ngan dier, tiba2 dier tarik tangan saya dan terus cium saya mulut ke mulut! WTF! Tersentak aku masa tu, nasib baik takder orang. Lepas dier cium saya xtau nak buat aper just say ok bye masuk dalam keta dam balik umah. Masa otw nak balik tu dier sms kata hati2 drive, nanti dah sampai umah sms dier.

So lepas sampai umah saya sms gitau dier saya dah sampai umah tapi yang buat saya kelirunya dier kata suka kat saya dan yang saya tak pasti adalah jap kata dier dah ada berpunyer, jap kata tak! Haiiiii nak kena dier ni, sampai sekarang saya tak pasti dier dah berpunyer ker atau masih single lagi. So untuk memastikan dier orang tidak tergila gila kat aku yang comel ni, saya pun cakap kat dier orang kita kawan jewlah so kamal accept the fact, Safar dah start meroyan tapi ada plak mi buat saya meroyang kat dier. Aduh, ni yang tak best ni.....

Tapi macam maner pun saya kena kawal diri saya dari stop meroyan sebab saya tak jelas lagi status mi ni, kalau single then I'll think about the future but if he already have someone than I should but the border line with him. Dier betul2 buat saya rindu kat dier, nak kata lust maybe but I realize that I started to falling for him which is not good sign, bleh saya keluar jumpa dier malam semalam (9/09/11 - nanti aku citakan apa yang berlaku) dan borak ngan dier sampai 12.30am lagi...hampeh!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The person who I always talk to....!

Actually most of my friends either in my blogs or outside around me thought that my blog is the only place for me to express my feelings. No, the answer is wrong!

There's someone who is really important in my life who always with me! His name is BoyBoy, cute right the name hehe :p He can't talk but merely can hear what I tell and share to him, he is the only place I can talk freely and he know most of my secrets that I'd never mentioned in this blog. He is really close to me, he'll sleep with me all the night thought.

You guys want to see who is BoyBoy? Let's follow me!

**He is my lovely and cute BoyBoy~!

After all he is only place show my feelings, sad, happy, smile, cry and ect ect! I love you so much boy boy :) No matter what happen he'll always be with me!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Whenever I feel sad, happy and missing someone....!

Hey guys, I'm considering to make my future entry as a short entry instead of making a long one but in case I've something to talk more then yes for a long entry. Talking about today entry, not going to make long one but just a short one thought.

I'm not sure how about others but me, whenever I feel sad, happy or missing someone always put my hand on my chest and feel the heartbeat. And tell myself, don't worry Patrick everything will be alright, I always with you.

Yes, it won't make someone can hear but it make me calm and happy. At least I know I always be with me and this is how I make myself feel happy :)

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Simple... yet make me happy !

Good morning everyone! Ok, this will be a short entry and not going to talk all my routine today. Yesterday (26th August 2011), I received a Raya card. Guess from who is that? Hahaha from Safar, I never though that he'll send one for me because I'd never received any Raya card before and of course why would receive one since I'm not celebrating Raya right but sometime is good to send or receive all festival card from all friends to let them or us to know our friendship is still alive as usual.

But the card that Safar sent to me yesterday, made me melt entirely and fall for him. I'd mentioned about him in previous entry, he started to like me long time ago but only recently he told me, I think about 5 months ago. He seems really love me! Ok, is time to enjoy picture :)

For those who wanted password, kindly email to me after "click" the advertisement! Don't cheat and play play with me ar hahahah.

P/S: Selamat Hari Raya to all my friends abang Zack, Abang Dam, Abang Numan, Abang Daus, Abang John, qemal and all friends in my blog :)

Sunday, August 21, 2011

There is....but no more now!

Today at about 3pm my mum told me that my sister was admitted in the hospital and going to give birth soon. But it didn't caught me surprised at all and why should I since some of the incident which make me not to! I didn't start nor ask for it but she does by some of the sarcastic words. Since from that day, I've told my mum that I won't involve in her life anymore and why should I? I'm not angry but just disappointed of that incident which still hurting me everyday when I heard that words and my heart so broke.

I've heard so much and been through so much in my life but this time my heart really broke into pieces. From that day, I told myself I no need anyone in my life. I've decided it and not going to change it until I reach my day. Whatever it is, is enough! Those words really hurt-ed me a lot than I broke up with my ex.

Yes there's love before in my heart but no more now! That's the reason when I see some who trying to know me or tackle me, I seriously not feel anything, the feel of love is just not there. I feel really numb and get bored by loving those people around me. Everyone have their own life and I've mine, nevermind, my parents seems happy for my sister so let them be and I know they won't let their daughter down no matter what unlike me, even is not my mistake but the blame will be on me and I get used to it. But what make me sad was it's my own family treat me like that, I won't care if my friend did that to me but my own family.

That's the reason why I always wish there's a person who always for me, just for me! But at the end of the day, I'll be nothing for them as well so what's the point but no harm wishing and imagine that there's a person who hug me, tell me "don't worry pat, I'm here for you"! Even I'm tough most of the time but I'm human who have feelings like others as well, sometime is better to cry myself, even there's no one beside me to hear and feel my pains but at least I could calm myself by crying instead.

Human, which is a creature by god and really difficult to understand so there'll be no one to understand me fully. If there's any, I'm really appreciate that with my full heart and honest heart. I need to be more tougher now to face everything since it was my own life journey, even the journey is not going to be too long but fair enough to live till today.

Friday, August 19, 2011

......the life journey is still mine!

Hey guys, how is everyone especially abang zack, abang John, Abang Numan, Abang Dam, Abang Daus, Abang Rocwk and others? Well back to the story, recently I realized a things which is no matter what or who I've in my life, the life journey is still mine so what's the point worrying don't have someone in my life? Perhaps, is good to have someone in our life to share our happy and sad but at the end of the day they not going to follow wherever we go, especially our last permanent home under 6 feet!

For me, no one going to change me nor know me well except myself! Sometime, I'm envy seeing those couple having a nice and happy relationship but I came to understand and always told myself that my life is different from them. Even I can't get a good relationship like them but I always happy, pray and help them as much as I can so that they will have long time relationship. As for me, I always hope and wish that how good if there's a person who I love the most hug me, lay my head on their chest and whisper to me "don't worry pat, everything will be alright. I'm here for you!" At the end of the day, it just an imagination of mine and I don't put too much hope on that because never aspect everyone like I want right.

I don't know why, I just simply happy when my friend happy with their partner in their life. Anyway, there's much more for me to learn. I'll stop learning when I in my permanent home under 6th feet. Yesterday I saw a friend of mine who kept asking me when I'm going to marry hahahah, I just laugh! I don't want to marry not because I'm gay but there's another reason which I will safe for last means tell later. I just don't want to ruin anyone life when I know my own condition and where it will leads to so better better avoid from it.

How I wish I want to be kids back to my mum like when I was small that always hug me when I'm cry, when I was in pain and when I was sick! But I proud of myself being a big boy now and handle everything myself and being independent. Well, even there's a lot who live independently and younger than me. Whenever I face a problem or pain, I though I'm having a hard time but I'd came to realize that there are people who facing problem more worse than mine and that's when I put myself in their show to feel their pain as well.

I easily get a long with people no matter what age are they as long as they can talk to me. I'm a kind of person who if you talk and smile, I'll reply but if you show you ugly face then I've no comment other than keep quite and being myself. People always said that I'm good in attract people and know how to start a conversation, am I? well, it born in myself I guess, perhaps, I learn myself.

Oh yeah, I almost forget the part which I wanted to talk. Last couple of day ago, I heard that some people talking at the back of me. Well, sometime I appreciate people who talk back of me because they like to point out my weakness where I can change it but sometime I just let it be because I know they don't have work to do so I cannot help them out, I prefer to do my work rather wasting my time by arguing with them. If you know the not going to change their attitude so what's the point right?

guys, is love will make a person crazy? Hahaha well, it did! Safar getting crazy, he could borrow handphone credit from his friend just to sms me. He's really crazy and yes I know he love me sincerely but I've to remind myself something that might get him upset so is better I keep being friend with everyone.

Recently, I found myself getting too tired, exhausted, my back head are keep pain like hell. At first I though it just migraine but my thoughts was wrong after I received my medical report last few days from Ampang Puteri Hospital. It was quit surprised me but nevermind that's what god wanted right so let it be because he know what's the better for me. Even it makes me feel sad but I still happy because at least I've been go through as much as I can and achieved some of my dreams though. I don't know when I'll reach my time and credits to Dr. Mei Ling who helped me a lot to go through this. At first I though not to write this at here but where else I can put out my feelings and for sure I'll not going to tell my parents about this. They already burdened with too much of problem and I don't want to add their burden with this.