I'm not ready yet.....

Even though there are few, perhaps should I say 3 guys which trying their level best to make me understand their feelings towards me, I'm just not ready enough to accept their love at this moment. Is not that I can't feel their feelings but I just wanted to be free and take my own sweet time to think about the love.

Yes, indeed sometime I felt like wanted to have someone in my life again for love and live together but one should remember I must take the previous incident as a lesson in my life. It is not I don't want them but I just too scare to love again, a guy name call Halim, Jef, and Mie who always text me and keep me accompany. I really appreciate that and I'd told them clearly I'm not ready for this yet, still I do give them chances to proof their love, still I'm not giving them hope on me.

Trust, is not easy to gain! It just need time so much of time and it just so hard for me to gain that again on others. I just don't have the love feelings in my heart anymore, even I saw some guys I felt like nothing, just simply look at them. Is not fair for me to say I've been gone through so much in my life because there are some people like Halim don't get a chance to feel the love from his mother, which I felt so terrible.

Whatever it is, I'm not ready to stand up again. I wanted to sit down and get rest. I don't want to give hope to anyone on me, I don't want them to get hurt because of me. I always wanted the best for them and everyone. Seriously, I don't feel lonely at all because I'm quite occupied with my office work and my study. Moreover, Alif is still contacting me and keep in touch via ym so I didn't see any reason being lonely and I've no time to think about that. Whenever I felt lie wanted to have boyfriend I'll divert my thinking on others.

........ , go away from my life then!

"Don't try to change my life, this is my life and if you don't like, go away then!" This is what Ken asked me for on yesterday. And it's now officially there's nothing between me and Ken because there are something which both of us can't accept the fact that we wanted in our life.

It's been two weeks I know Ken and should I say it is really early for me to judge him but he made it simple for me. Ken is a good guy, very caring and easily get jealous if I hang out with someone. Yes I understand his normal typical feelings like those guys but there's one thing that I can't accept in my life which is I've to share him with his scandals. I'm happy because he told me truth that he have scandals but I was so disappointed when he said he can't leave his scandals for me nor his lover.

I am open minded but I pleased to say that I'm open minded not in everything! I'm a kind of person like when I fall for something, I'll make sure the things is only belongs to me, no one can take away from me but when Ken said he can't leave his scandals which mean I've to share him! What kind of fuck relationship is that? At first I though he would change it for me but he say no, he'll remain the same and there's nothing I can do anymore.

Ken: you still want me?

Me: Yes if you willing to leave all your scandals and be mine.

Ken: No, that's not going to happen. Don't try to change my life, who are you!

Me: Then don't try to change me and accept the way you're because who are you then in my life!

Ken: Go away from my life.

Me: Sure, you asked for it!

The best part is, he told me that he'd sacrifice for this relationship which is he walk from the LRT station to my house! Come on, Alif does that like thousand time and he never complaint anything! Ok, just forget about Alif, don't tell me that I didn't sacrifice anything for this relationship, I sacrificed more than he do! At last, he made the decision to end this even before getting into a serious stage. I'm fine with it because single life is not a new thing for me, I've been go through such a hard time than this!

Always remember guys, I'll always act upon the request. Ken request me to delete his picture, number and messages, so, I did as per his request! I've no feeling for him at all now, just a empty heart with contain of freedom feelings which I no need report to anyone. I can go where ever I want, do what ever I want and I no need to care anybody. I'm happy, really happy with I am now.

Happy valentines day to everyone. Remember, life is not about finding the right person but creating the right relationship, it's not how we care in the beginning but how much we care till the very end.

Who to trust...???

A tough week indeed I've gone through recently, everything seems not in the right place and put me in a difficult stage to make decision. Even though it is difficult but I know I've to make decision in certain stuff.

Guess what, there's come a situation which make me feel like who to trust in my life! Everyone is telling a different story about each other. Alif is telling one thing about Fakrul, Fakrul is telling Alif something. The fun part is Ken is telling something about Alif which really teared me apart. Well, I can't just believe everybody comments without investigate or saw it with my own eyes. But one thing I'm not sure what is wrong with this people all, are they trying to protect me or just, I don't know.

Yes, there's a point of time where I trust Alif because I trust and love him, even Fakrul trying to influence me sometime, I'll always trying to avoid the negative thinking but I still do trust him even now. Please don't ask me why but I just trust his word, perhaps I've been with him for 1 years I but right after each one telling different story I stop to trust him right away. As I'd told previously, he just don't know what he want in his life. Few days after we break I told him about Ken and guess what he started to be protective, become emotional and say if hard to let me go but he wanted to be concrete in his decision! * I was like fuck off man!!!*

I just can't trust Ken words about Alif either! Well he told me that Alif is his friend scandal and did asked Ken to have sex with him before! I was shock for a moment after hear it but I don't know whether Ken telling truth or not because I know Ken only for the past 2 weeks. Ken really don't like me to talk about Alif nor my past life, he easily get angry or jealous of it. We'd have mouth fight 2 times.

I mean he is trying his level best for me to gain trust on him and accept him in my life but I just tired of the game call "love". I don't know how to describe my feelings right now and my views on love but one thing I'm really sure which is I'm tired, seriously tired of it. I felt like what I'd previously for love such as being loyal, trust, understanding and sacrifice is all like rubbish which don't have meanings at all. I don't have the energy to built the trust and honest on others anymore, indeed I needed time for myself for some time and it is up to Ken whether he want to wait for me or move on with his life, I won't stop him from choose what is the best for me.

My heart is just merely can't feel anything when I see a guy or girl, feel numb yes! When a guy look at him, I'm like ah whatever, is your eyes and you can look wherever you want. I don't blame anyone because it is no body fault. What I believe is in god, I'm sure he always wanted the best for me. For now, what am I most concentrating is 80% in my study, 15% in my work and 5% only 5% in my life. I'm just too tired of caring what's going on around me since everyone is trying their level best to take advantages on me. Let them be, just let them be!

Things just didn't work out...

Sorry for being away for a while, I'm just too much busy with my life! Everything is seems so rushing in my life but things just didn't work out between me and Alif recently until we reached the point where needed to make a ultimate decision by me.

Alif just doesn't know what he want in his life and to be honest, he never love me at all for over the 1 year but he be with me just as friend. Well, I'm not blame him because I know love can't be force but it must grow itself in heart.

But I believe that 1 year time is indeed sufficient to understand a person feelings towards you and I'm tired to expressing my feelings at Alif. I though he'd love me but I was wrong and it was total misunderstanding by me he told me. He did everything just as as friend so which mean I'm the one who acted like stupid and putting love on him!

I'm tired of sacrificing for protect this relationship all this while but I never see Alif effort to make things better. There's no point only one person sacrifice in a relationship and at last I made a ultimate decision to end this relationship and because friend as he always wanted, he agree for it and seems really happy too.

I'm sad, yes! But 80% I'm happy at least I no need to worry about to protect this relationship alone and I'm happy because I know I made a right decision. New relationship, not at this point of stage I say but I may review it in future as there's a cool and romantic guy putting his effort to get me name, ken! Mix Japanese, tall, very tall 194cm which I'm not up to his shoulder. Let's talk more about him later and welcome me back to SINGLE life!!!