Happy for my housemate :)

I though wanted to update the blog tomorrow which is Saturday because I'll free doing nothing other than study but at last I decided to update it right away even though I've like tonnes of office which need my attention!

I guess it's the right time for me to spend some time talking about my housemate Abang Fakhrul, age 37 and working at a well known hotel in KL. We become friends when I moved in to his house at Cheras couple of month ago. I've no problem living with him because we both are in the same boat after all so not to worry too much about feelings.

He is now officially in a relationship with a police officer who currently working penang. they both seems happy together, after a month of dating, finally they declared! Don't ask me who is top and bottom, that's not my business to know. His bf age is 23 which is same age with me, yet, I've no problem with it because love is blind indeed. sometime we just can see through in this kind incident. Age is just a number and it doesn't going to effect anything in your life, especially in our love life. They'd exchanges rings and chain as a love sign and the sweetest part was his bf bought a phone for him, I mean it's fine for you to express your love in anyway as long as you do it with your honest heart :)

I'm happy for them, really! I'm just enjoying seeing everyone around me enjoying their life with the love and it doesn't mean that I'm alone without anyone in my life ok. I am enjoying watching you guys growing everyday in creating relationship but remember to not hurt anyone. If you can't promise anything then don't promise, try to explain so that the other side can accept the fact of your decision.

Anyway, to not run out from the entry, I would like to congratulate my housemate and his bf. Happy love life forever new couples!!!

I'm not ready yet.....

Even though there are few, perhaps should I say 3 guys which trying their level best to make me understand their feelings towards me, I'm just not ready enough to accept their love at this moment. Is not that I can't feel their feelings but I just wanted to be free and take my own sweet time to think about the love.

Yes, indeed sometime I felt like wanted to have someone in my life again for love and live together but one should remember I must take the previous incident as a lesson in my life. It is not I don't want them but I just too scare to love again, a guy name call Halim, Jef, and Mie who always text me and keep me accompany. I really appreciate that and I'd told them clearly I'm not ready for this yet, still I do give them chances to proof their love, still I'm not giving them hope on me.

Trust, is not easy to gain! It just need time so much of time and it just so hard for me to gain that again on others. I just don't have the love feelings in my heart anymore, even I saw some guys I felt like nothing, just simply look at them. Is not fair for me to say I've been gone through so much in my life because there are some people like Halim don't get a chance to feel the love from his mother, which I felt so terrible.

Whatever it is, I'm not ready to stand up again. I wanted to sit down and get rest. I don't want to give hope to anyone on me, I don't want them to get hurt because of me. I always wanted the best for them and everyone. Seriously, I don't feel lonely at all because I'm quite occupied with my office work and my study. Moreover, Alif is still contacting me and keep in touch via ym so I didn't see any reason being lonely and I've no time to think about that. Whenever I felt lie wanted to have boyfriend I'll divert my thinking on others.

........ , go away from my life then!

"Don't try to change my life, this is my life and if you don't like, go away then!" This is what Ken asked me for on yesterday. And it's now officially there's nothing between me and Ken because there are something which both of us can't accept the fact that we wanted in our life.

It's been two weeks I know Ken and should I say it is really early for me to judge him but he made it simple for me. Ken is a good guy, very caring and easily get jealous if I hang out with someone. Yes I understand his normal typical feelings like those guys but there's one thing that I can't accept in my life which is I've to share him with his scandals. I'm happy because he told me truth that he have scandals but I was so disappointed when he said he can't leave his scandals for me nor his lover.

I am open minded but I pleased to say that I'm open minded not in everything! I'm a kind of person like when I fall for something, I'll make sure the things is only belongs to me, no one can take away from me but when Ken said he can't leave his scandals which mean I've to share him! What kind of fuck relationship is that? At first I though he would change it for me but he say no, he'll remain the same and there's nothing I can do anymore.

Ken: you still want me?

Me: Yes if you willing to leave all your scandals and be mine.

Ken: No, that's not going to happen. Don't try to change my life, who are you!

Me: Then don't try to change me and accept the way you're because who are you then in my life!

Ken: Go away from my life.

Me: Sure, you asked for it!

The best part is, he told me that he'd sacrifice for this relationship which is he walk from the LRT station to my house! Come on, Alif does that like thousand time and he never complaint anything! Ok, just forget about Alif, don't tell me that I didn't sacrifice anything for this relationship, I sacrificed more than he do! At last, he made the decision to end this even before getting into a serious stage. I'm fine with it because single life is not a new thing for me, I've been go through such a hard time than this!

Always remember guys, I'll always act upon the request. Ken request me to delete his picture, number and messages, so, I did as per his request! I've no feeling for him at all now, just a empty heart with contain of freedom feelings which I no need report to anyone. I can go where ever I want, do what ever I want and I no need to care anybody. I'm happy, really happy with I am now.

Happy valentines day to everyone. Remember, life is not about finding the right person but creating the right relationship, it's not how we care in the beginning but how much we care till the very end.

Who to trust...???

A tough week indeed I've gone through recently, everything seems not in the right place and put me in a difficult stage to make decision. Even though it is difficult but I know I've to make decision in certain stuff.

Guess what, there's come a situation which make me feel like who to trust in my life! Everyone is telling a different story about each other. Alif is telling one thing about Fakrul, Fakrul is telling Alif something. The fun part is Ken is telling something about Alif which really teared me apart. Well, I can't just believe everybody comments without investigate or saw it with my own eyes. But one thing I'm not sure what is wrong with this people all, are they trying to protect me or just, I don't know.

Yes, there's a point of time where I trust Alif because I trust and love him, even Fakrul trying to influence me sometime, I'll always trying to avoid the negative thinking but I still do trust him even now. Please don't ask me why but I just trust his word, perhaps I've been with him for 1 years I but right after each one telling different story I stop to trust him right away. As I'd told previously, he just don't know what he want in his life. Few days after we break I told him about Ken and guess what he started to be protective, become emotional and say if hard to let me go but he wanted to be concrete in his decision! * I was like fuck off man!!!*

I just can't trust Ken words about Alif either! Well he told me that Alif is his friend scandal and did asked Ken to have sex with him before! I was shock for a moment after hear it but I don't know whether Ken telling truth or not because I know Ken only for the past 2 weeks. Ken really don't like me to talk about Alif nor my past life, he easily get angry or jealous of it. We'd have mouth fight 2 times.

I mean he is trying his level best for me to gain trust on him and accept him in my life but I just tired of the game call "love". I don't know how to describe my feelings right now and my views on love but one thing I'm really sure which is I'm tired, seriously tired of it. I felt like what I'd previously for love such as being loyal, trust, understanding and sacrifice is all like rubbish which don't have meanings at all. I don't have the energy to built the trust and honest on others anymore, indeed I needed time for myself for some time and it is up to Ken whether he want to wait for me or move on with his life, I won't stop him from choose what is the best for me.

My heart is just merely can't feel anything when I see a guy or girl, feel numb yes! When a guy look at him, I'm like ah whatever, is your eyes and you can look wherever you want. I don't blame anyone because it is no body fault. What I believe is in god, I'm sure he always wanted the best for me. For now, what am I most concentrating is 80% in my study, 15% in my work and 5% only 5% in my life. I'm just too tired of caring what's going on around me since everyone is trying their level best to take advantages on me. Let them be, just let them be!

Things just didn't work out...

Sorry for being away for a while, I'm just too much busy with my life! Everything is seems so rushing in my life but things just didn't work out between me and Alif recently until we reached the point where needed to make a ultimate decision by me.

Alif just doesn't know what he want in his life and to be honest, he never love me at all for over the 1 year but he be with me just as friend. Well, I'm not blame him because I know love can't be force but it must grow itself in heart.

But I believe that 1 year time is indeed sufficient to understand a person feelings towards you and I'm tired to expressing my feelings at Alif. I though he'd love me but I was wrong and it was total misunderstanding by me he told me. He did everything just as as friend so which mean I'm the one who acted like stupid and putting love on him!

I'm tired of sacrificing for protect this relationship all this while but I never see Alif effort to make things better. There's no point only one person sacrifice in a relationship and at last I made a ultimate decision to end this relationship and because friend as he always wanted, he agree for it and seems really happy too.

I'm sad, yes! But 80% I'm happy at least I no need to worry about to protect this relationship alone and I'm happy because I know I made a right decision. New relationship, not at this point of stage I say but I may review it in future as there's a cool and romantic guy putting his effort to get me name, ken! Mix Japanese, tall, very tall 194cm which I'm not up to his shoulder. Let's talk more about him later and welcome me back to SINGLE life!!!

First time fight......

Korang pernah tak gaduh ngan bf korang? Well, me and Alif did have fight hahahah and it was really fun to fight with the one you love actually. It is not enough only love fill everything in a relationship but a bit happy, a bit sad, a bit sour, a bit fun and not to forget fight! Fight is not in a sense of slap each other or biting each other but a tiny mouth fight haha. It's kind of fascinating anyway, right?

Sebenarnya, housemate aku plan nak gi redbox jumaat minggu lepas tapi tak jadi plak. Alif ni kalau bab2 karok ni memang akan jadi gila hahaha sebab dier suka nyanyi...biasalah sebab setiap malam sebelum tido mesti dier akan nyanyi untuk aku hehe (malu saya tau :p) So Alif meroyan lah sebab tak dapat nak pergi karok and aku pun cakap lah kita pergi karok biasa jewlah kat area kita orang tinggal tapi dier xnak plak sebab dier cakap tak best nyanyi sorang and akku plak xnak nyalak. Yerlah, nanti tak pasal2 orang semua mati sebab gempa bumi kan hehe suara very the merdu gitew...

So lepas dinner malam tu masa on the way balik tu, kita orang borak lah pasal karok tu tiba2 Alif yang tengah makan ice cream angkat tangan and aku pun mengelak lah sebab ingatkan dier nak pukul aku ker aper...jeng3..... nak tau apa yang berlaku selepasnya :

Alif: Eh kenapa dengan awk ni?

Aku: Awk tu ha..angkat tangan nak pukul saya :(

Alif: Eh maner ada...saya angkat tangan nak tunjuk belakang lah...

Aku: Yerlah tu..ni kes nak pukul orang sebab tak dapat nak pergi karok lah ni

Alif: Lah..orang nak tunjuk karok kat belakang...bukan nak pukul awk ...awk tu perasan sangat

Aku: Oooo saya perasan lah sekarang? Yang awk nak pukul saya kenapa?

Alif: Bila masa plak saya nak pukul awk..awk tu salah faham...

Aku: Awk jangan..saya ada bukti haaa

Alif: haaa aper bukti awk? Saya nak tau sekarang jugak....

Aku: ah saya tak kisah...awk nak pukul saya tadi...

Pergaduhan ini berlangsung sehingga ke pintu umah dan.....

Alif: Eh umah awk bukan kat sini...kat sana tu..suh suh suh

Aku: Ok...fine..(sambil berjalan ker arah lain)

Lepas masuk umah :

Alif: eh kenapa masuk sini? Ni bukan bilik awk..

Aku: Ok xperlah saya tido kat luar (tapi tido kat bilik jugak hehe)

Hari kedua (sabtu)!!!

Aku: Awk..bang fakrul cakap malam ni kita pergi red box

Alif: Eh yeker..bestnya

Fakrul (housemate): Eh pepek...u ada kelas hari ni?

Aku: ada bang! (buat muka sedih)

Fakrul: jangan pergilah..hehehe

Alif: Gi kelas! (suara marah)

Aku: Baik tuan....(buat mulut muncung kat fakrul)

ok lah we all had fun kat red box and dalam LRT it was fun with Alif making joke macam orang asing hahaha. Ber-encik2 hahahah was really fun tapi boleh dier tarik aku pergi kat polis kata aku ditinggalkan hahahah jahat tau dier tu...and kita orang dinner kat hotel yang abang fakrul kerja..gaduh lagi...

Aku: Awk..hensenya abang fakrul dalam uniform dier...

Alif: Yang awk meroyan ni kenapa?

Aku: Lah kenapa plak..ada aku kesah...awk....abang fakrul hensem lah wak...

Alif: ada aku kesah! awk..saya nak rantai macam awk pakai tu...

Aku: rantai macam ni...(buat muka pelik)

Alif: hmm kita tau xkan dapat..

Aku: awk.... :( sampai hati awk ckap macam tu...

Alif: Ada aku kesah...hahahahahahahah

Aku: awk..jangan lah macam ni wak..awk tak pernah buat saya macam ni...

Alif: lah..aper yang saya buat? oooo awk main2 boleh...tapi saya nak main2 ngan awk xleh plak...

Aku: awk tu cakap ada aku kesah :(

Alif: dah awk yang ajar...

Aku: SAya bukan ajar awk..saya cakap kat abang fakrul...

Alif: Tapi saya boleh dengar!

Aku: awk buat lah penghadang.....

Alif: hahahah lawak lah awk ni...

Hari Ke-tiga (ahad)

Lepas breakfast dalam kul 10.30am... :

Alif: Yang awk bawak banyak beg ulang alik ni kenapa?

Aku: 1 beg ni laptop, 1 beg ni baju dan buku...

Alif: Xyah...letak dalam satu beg...boleh muat tu...

Aku: wak....

Alif: xyah nak ngada2..letak dalam satu beg...

Aku: hmm ok awk

hahah that's all pergaduhan yang sweet sangat antara saya ngan alif last week. Hahah saya happy sangat sebab sebelum kita orang tak pernah gaduh langsung...I love him so much :)

It's time to say hello to :::Good Bye:::

Guess what, it's time to warp up 2011, a year with so much of feelings, happy, sad, disappointment, challenges, ect ect ect. No one realize that time really flies just like river that never stop from flowing. However, those moment taught me to become more stronger in my life and how I should be in future.

Personal Life

Hmmm let's see what can I talk here! I always taught myself to let go the past, keep the goods and throw the bads. I'm sure all of you aware how my family members are and I'm not talking bad or let you guys look down on them but it's a bit too much for me to accept for what happen throughout the year. What ever it is, none of it stop me from keep moving forward, that's for sure. I've been through a lot in my life but none of them stop me to continue walking on my life journey. What I think is right, I'll do it. What I think is wrong, I'll think twice. What I think I'm not sure, I'll always seek for advice.

Some say I'm a good adviser which I don't how good I am in that part but I'll try my level best to advice for those needed my help. I'll always there for everyone, include my enemy. No matter how many times I fall, I never fail to rise again! I always learn from my own mistake and learn from other mistake. My life taught me to put myself in others shoe to feel their pain. Everyone have their own problem and I've mine, I taught myself to find the solution for it instead of wasting my time to think about the problem which ain't going to gain me anything.

I'm happy with what I've in my life now and god knows what's the better thing for me! Nothing is impossible for me, I believe everything is easy but just the matter of whether I trust myself or not, I know I believe in myself.

Love Life

What else can I say other that this is happiest year for me when Alif proposed me indirectly. I'll never forget that moment! As I always mention, love has no border but your heart should be placed at one person which deserve the most, I choose Alif! I'm so attached to him and I know one day he'll choose the right way, I'm already prepared to face that situation. Love is all about, understanding, give and take but love is not all about sex!

There is few asked me why we haven't have sex yet? Is sex really necessary in a relationship? Yes, I understand that sex is to show how much a person love you but not only sex can does that, there are lot's of way which can a person show how much he love you. As for now, both of us yet to concern about the sex part and we're happy with our current life.

Yes, humans needs indeed are really high especially when you saw a handsome guys which is your taste and easy to fall. I admit that because I'm a human as well but when ever I does that, I always force myself to think about Alif, Alif will be always in my mind and heart which wakes me up from the devil's! For now, I'm happy with Alif because he know me better and I know him better. No one can replace Alif in my life, I just simply love him with the way he is now :)

Work Life

Nothing much about work life but indeed a year with full of challenges and a bit slower than last year. I'm too tired I guess, perhaps needed a vacation to relax my mind. I'm so proud of myself for my own achievement throughout the year plus the position I am now. I'm not sure how many young people are like me out there but this is a bit more that I though off. Being in this position is not easy, sometime I just have to make a right decision to protect my people. What ever it is, I always motivate myself to do better :)

Friends Life

Thanks to all my blogger friends especially Abang Daus, Abang Numan, Abang Dam, Abang John, Akmal, Abang Zainin and all the other friends for the support that have been given me to all this while. Not to forget my dear Abang Zack that already married on 25th December 2011, I'm really happy for him for the decision that he made, right one! I'm sad because he no more going to blog but I believe that I'll gain one after I lost one.

If anyone wanted to be my friends, you are always welcome. I've no problem to be friends with anyone as long as you don't over the border. There are few friends asked me get away from their life and I did but now they want to be friends with me again. I'm sorry to say, I'll never turn back once I made my decision after you requested so! This is me where no one can change me except Alif :) I never choose anyone to be my friend and everyone deserve to be friend with me.

Final Words

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone and I really appreciate for being a part of my life and for the advice all this while. I always here for everyone and will try my level best to help for those who needed.

It's my time to start a new life book with more confidence and brave enough to face more challenges! I believe in myself that nothing can stop me from my life journey which is still long way to go. I know it's not easy but nothing is impossible in my life to do anything. What ever had happened in my life I'm just let it go and learn from it and be prepare for the new year.

For 2012, I've few targets which I really need to work hard to get it done especially my study, going to be a tough year but I know I can do it. See you guys in 2012 and wish all of you have a wonderful new year!

It's time to say good bye 2011 and it will be always in my memory :)