When I lost the faith...

I wanted to post about this 2 weeks ago but since I was busy and was diverted to not happy mood so I decided to post it now.

Jef decided to take no responsibilities when it comes to relationship level and he end the dating period.  I didn't mad nor angry at him or at his decision because is better to said it out earlier then suffering later. I don't know, all I can say is Jef change a lot he is not the person whom I know earlier who always have time for me, who ask me for a date, go for movie, shopping but past couple of month he seems too far away from me.

Sometime he'll not message me for 1 week and not even want to answer my call. Yet, I believe in him, trust him that he's busy with work and his personal life. I do feel so lonely sometime, I just kept it all in my heart, I endure the tears which almost fall from my eyes, all because I don't want him to lost the faith on me but for how long am I going to endure it.

After a couple of weeks, he decided to be friends and nothing more than that. Believe me or not, I really felt nothing when he said that. I felt numb, like no feelings, like he is not important to me at all. I don't know what is wrong with at that point of time but I must say I felt freedom to be honest which I no bound for anyone, I repeat just not anyone!

After-all, we're yet to commit into relationship which made me not to worry much so I just let it go with his decision. Let him happy with his work and his personal life, I don't want to interfere nor to think whether he found someone else. I just don't want to think too much on this, if he decided to leave just go and don't disturb me with your life.

After a few days he came back with a message via what'sapp!

Jef: Good night dear, I miss you so much ( I was like what the hell)

Yesterday:

Jef: Dear

Me: Yes

Jef: Tdo?

Me: Xderlah, baru siap makan. Jap lagi balik tido lah

Jef: Kat maner ni

Me: Baru sampai umah

Jef: Ic

Jef: Nite dear syg

Jef : Morning dear

Me: Good morning.

I'm sorry guys, I don't have the intention to embarrass Jef in public place like this but sometime I just wanted to let it out from my heart. I had enough with this kind of pain and I'm not going to endure it any more. I still do have feelings for Jef but for this time being, I want to remain cold on him, let him understand my feelings how I felt when I was lonely. If he found someone else, I've no problem to get rid of the feelings on him, it's not a big deal for me after-all since there's a lot of people who throw away my feeling on them like trash, enough of care for other! Let it be, I just don't give a damn how all of you want to judge me.

What will you do if it's you..?

Ok peeps, here's a question for you guys to answer or leave comments after read the question and my story, real story. The question is:

> What will you do if you've feelings for two guys at the same time?

Note: You can describe the feelings in your own term as lust, love, crush or whatever you feel wanted to put it as. Again, you can answer the question after you read my written story or you may give your own opinion/opinion base on the story.

The real story!!! 

A guy named Ashraf, age 19 who is currently studying for his paramedic at one well know college at Cyberjaya. Ok, to not let all of you get confused let me make the full story, how to start! 

A couple of weeks ago, there's one new family moved in to my residents area just opposite of my house but that time I didn't care much because I was busy with my own stuff until the Raya session. Well, I must sure that all the family will back to their home town to celebrate and same goes to this family when all their family back home together with this guy with a motorbike and a girl sitting back behind him, come on guys if you yourself saw it, sure you must though he is married and I'd think such too!

I don't it's miracle or it just to happen, one of the guy well I don't know how many guys in their family but a guy in his middle 30 know my mum, he told my mum that he know me but the truth is I never know him. Believe me, this is isn't about him! Anyway, I just get rid of it since it's not really important for me to think. A day after I started to realize there's a guy who always kept looking at me, the facts that he is handsome is undeniable. Again, I though he is married so I didn't think much as well until everyone is back and this guy still stick around his house.

Day after day, it become really obvious that he is looking at me and I just kept pretend that I didn't look at him. From far, he is look like age around 25, that kind mature face. I was like whatever! I mean who want to tackle a married man anyway, right? But far inside my heart there's a tiny little feelings kept saying *how good if he is my bf*! It was just an crush to be precise but everything change on 24th, here comes the story hit me like storm until today.

It was about 10pm, I was all alone sitting outside of my house playing with my iPad and that guy is doing something with his bike alone too. I didn't care much about him but after a while he started his bike and I don't know what strike-d my feelings saying *how nice if he walk towards me and talk to me*! Guess what people, again I'm sure whether is this miracle or whatever you can all but he ride his bike right towards me. I was indeed shock and my whole body is freezing! Damn, this is not right at all. I mean I don't know what should I do, talk to him? Go back inside home? What? Owh god, my heart almost explode that time, seriously I don't know what should I do that time. Here's how the conversation started:

Ash: Lu free tak esok? 

Me: Erk xpasti lagi sbb sy kene attend wedding function.

Ash: Pukul berapa habis? Boleh temankan saya ker Lipis?

Me: Hmm kalau kul 1 mungkin boleh kot. Buat aper kat Lipis?

Ash: Nak beli side mirror motor

Me: Oh ok...boleh jew :)

Ash: U perasaan tak yang saya selalu tgk you

Me: Owh yeker, sy tak perasaan plak. (padahal nampak jew)

Ash: Sy nampak you lain lah, nak kenal...

Me: Haha lain? Lain macam maner plak?

Ash: Selalu berseorangan, xcampur ngan orang lain. Sy pun mcm u jugak, so sy mcam boleh kenal lah haha

Me: owh ok hahaha...

Rest of the conversation is all about our work, studies and future. One thing I notice is, whatever I said he'll reply *samalah kita* I was like what the hell is this and what he want from me? Or is this really a coincident? Since that day, the feelings for him started to grow slowly till today! 

Even until now, he still look at me with no doubt.The feelings inside me even grow more when he look at me. I do get confused with myself and my feelings towards him, I know it's not right but at the same time I can't get rid of the feelings. And I know some of you may think that me and Jef is already in the relationship but that's not true, I'm saying this not because to support my feelings so that I'll accept this guy but me and Jef is in the dating process, I'm telling the truth!

I can certainly say this is a lust or crush. Owh come on people for god sake, I'm not even know him fully and  how can I just fall in love in a split second! Yes, I know love can happen any time but don't you people think this is too early to say this is love? Well, I'm trying my level best to get rid of this feelings and I'm not going to hurt anyone, people hurt me yes but I'll never ever do that to anyone!

So, it's your call people. You can answer the question now. Good luck peeps!

PS: There'll be another story coming up about what going to happen today! Just stay tune, what else could I say haha....

Onward & Upward!

As I said in the earlier post about my new career path which going to start on 3rd of September, which much alike my previous post as administrator. I do had a plan move to KL by end of the year but never though it happen much earlier that I expected.

It was a total of 3 years 7 month where I spent most of time at Penjom but it's not wise to say I'm not happy working there. I was really happy to work at Penjom indeed but that was up to only May this year and the nightmare started on 1st June where started my new post as purchasing coordinator with a Indian sarcastic man! Sorry guys, I'm not against Indian people not racist, my mum is Indian too but this Indian man, my department manage, purchasing department.

It's all happen on May this year when after the weekly meeting with all HOD, this man wanted to meet me. When he mentioned that, I already know that he wanted to offer something, I'm much certain because he'd offer me as purchasing officer before. At the same time, I'm so sure why he always spot me at all time no matter what and again guys, he is not gay and I don't have taste on him neither.

All went as I expected, he'd offered me the purchasing coordinator position which drawn me to a undeniable expectation. I mean come on people, I spent 3 years as a administrator which I already learn every single things about administration and I do believe this new post or opportunity will assist me to learn something more new things for my career even though I always wanted to be a lawyer as I'd always dream about.

Yes, I'd accept the offer with wide open heart and that man offered me bunch of programs and promises, yet I don't want to argue about the promises because all manager will do that when they wanted to drag someone to their management. I was happily joined that department even though I know most that department people don't like me to join over them, who cares anyway haha. Even I know I'm not happy but I convince myself to endure it because I always believe I can do it no matter what.

First month few weeks, yes, indeed everything went well and I made most of the changes in terms of the department system, administration wise, human resource and warehouse system. People in the department started to accept me and welcome me to be apart of their team and I never believed anyone in my life no matter they nice to me or cruel to me, for me, all the human are the same include me where can never run away from to be nice in front and to be cruel at the back.

I don't know when it started but I noticed some changes with that Indian man, he started to against my ideas, my plan and everything that I do and I did make him not happy and he'll have his own reason to reject them.I started to realize about that man changes, no one can ever know more than him, no one can fight against him, and all must follow his thought. For god sake Indian man, you chosen a wrong one for your team, that's me. I'm not going to be a dead man to hear all what he said, oh hell now people, I'll fight if I think it is wrong and he don't like it and I can't help it, A BIG SORRY for you man!

My ex-boss offered me a perfect position at his place at the right time, I'm not going to stick with this guy for rest of the month, hell NO for that! So, I decided to quit and joined my ex-boss! I'm happy now, happy for my ex-boss which already be my boss again now, flexible working hours, flexible leave day and ect. 

However, I found myself this story quit boring tho and I don't know why I still decided to post this up, perhaps just for the memory haha! Adding to this, yes, I'll be working at KL starting next month. Even it's happen so sudden but I believe in one quote "everything happens for a reason", this will be help me for my future especially for my career and studies wise.

Let's end this chapter here and will tell you people about the love story tomorrow, how about that? Haha! 

Late Raya Wishes...!

To all my Muslim's friends, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri and maaf Zahir Batin. It's a bit weird indeed to wish after the real day if Raya but I believe it's not too late to wish now since Raya will be one month period! Anyhow, don't blame me for the late wishing, blame the damn bloody TM port that always down when lightning and only got back to online today morning which made me felt much alive.

Sorry for being away for quit sometime, what else reason could other than busy with study right! Am I missed out to say busy with work? Yes, I am! I already quit my job from my current company as purchasing coordinator and will continue my work with my ex boss at Bangsar, KL next month, which I'm on my annual leave start 1st August till 31st August.

There's so much of story, real story that I wanted to share with all of you, about my personal life, work life (of course the new one) and the exciting one. Guess which one? Haha my love section of course! Well, I don't happy to mix up raya wishes with my personal content so let the personal chapter be a independent section though. Otherwise, Selamat Hari Raya once again to all of you!

Welcome me back...

Indeed it's been a while I'm away from the blog due to mainly about work and my life, nothing much about the study, it's on going process so nothing much to talk about it. So much of things that I've been gone through during the hibernation period from blog. I can't write everything because I've got lot's to tell and write, to share perhaps. I do miss my blogs everyday, whenever I wanted to write but I was really tired mentally and physically after work, so much things needed my attention to sort things out.

There's a huge changes in my work life, in my career path to be precise. As all of you aware, my ex boss (David) was resigned and my department was "bossless" for 6 month where the responsibilities on manager fall on few people shoulder and I was one of those. During that period, my department was split into two main department and I was located under Mine Technical Department, not to forget I was been the most of time as acting manager. It was a total nightmare by facing top management but still I able to handle and solve those issue wisely.

I still remember, it was on 23rd of may 2012, purchasing department manager wanted to meet me after my weekly production meeting. I though it was a normal discussion with him about works but he offered me a opportunity to expend my career knowledge in a total new world and a total new working environment. At first, I was about to reject the offer but he reluctantly want me to re-think about the offer and get back to him and the time that he gave me is only about 8 hours to decide. In that 8 hours, I was struggle to make a right decision but the next morning I decided to accept the offer. I officially joined purchasing department as purchasing superintendent on 1st of June 2012 and it's been 22 days. Anyway, let me share more about work next time. 

Now, let's us talk about my life. There comes a interesting part that you guys always waited for hahaha. In terms of myself, I'm going crazy because I'm just doing everything that I like but one must be excluded when I say everything which is having fun. Finally I realize that it's the time to pamper myself with everything I wanted. Guess what I warded for myself this year...want to see? 

A samsung Air-Cond....*just ignore the ugly part down there*

Guess what I've now, The New Ipad!!! hahaha finally...

Not enough with this, I'm thinking to get MacBookPro soon by this or next month. I'm going to be Apple family soon haha.

Coming to my love life, hmm how to say. Yes, I'm dating with a guy name Jef, a doctor at KL government hospital. Know him for quite some time and we been dating for almost 3 months now. Both of us yet to think about the commitment, the main reason is because we like the way we are right now. Plus to this, both of us pretty occupied with our own schedule especially him, what else you can aspect from a doctor time table. Alright, I'm not going to expose too much about my love life for now, let's save it for the coming entry. So for now, just stay tune hahax....

It's had been paid at last...

Finally, all my hard work at office throughout the last year it's going to be paid by end this month with the 50% of increment, first in the history of my company for over 15 years and highest in my department while those engineers and geologist get only average 9%. I don't mean to compare with others but I should really proud of myself on my achievement.

I'm not sure how good I am in my work but my boss know me well. It was a fine sunny day on Thursday and I was doing my work, setting up my new department. Puan Azita, out company HR payroll officer, the one that "so so" close with me at office buzz me in skype and told me that I got 50% increment this year for my last year performance. I don't believe at all that point of time until I see the spreadsheet, add to this, this kind of information is entire P&C, yet she told me because she happy for me.

Working life during the year of 2011 indeed a tough year ever which so much of challenges, I'd go through one by one. Coming early at 6am to work and leave office at 9pm/10pm, sometime even leave office at 1am! Crazy right? Haha but I enjoyed it so much even I'm busy but I like the work load which kept me busy and tired, learned so much including engineering stuff, I just simply like to learn new things!

All this credit will definitely go to my boss David who already resigned from my company early February. A big lost for me, he's good friend and a good boss too. Whatever it is, I'm happy, really happy!

Not to hope too much....

I don't know where to start but let's begin with my feelings. I just simply feel happy for those people happy with their boyfriend and all I can say for those still single is don't worry people, the right time is yet to reach you but once reach you'll then realize how valuable your waiting is! Serious, this is what I'm feeling now! Is not that I'm becoming the old me, the emo one but I just simply turned to be like this.

All of you know how much I'd trusted Alif in my life, I never trusted like that in my life before yet I trusted him. At last, he broke the trust which he gained for him from me. After the break, I just can't trust anyone in my life. I seriously don't feel anything in my heart, even I saw a guy passing me I just being like a puppet. Unlike my housemate makes some kind of comments about those guys which attract his attention.

I'm too much tired of taking care of my own feelings, I feel numb! Sometimes I do hope that I wanted to hug and lay my head on their shoulder, cry and letting go everything in my heart but I don't is either I'm ego or finding a right one to share, at last I tend to keep it with me without sharing anything. I started to ignore peoples, less smiling at people, less talk to people, less spend time with people and less caring about people. I become more silent and care my own business, some of you may found I didn't reply comment or put my views at your blog, I'm just too tired of taking care others business. It's your life, you have the rights to choose what is right and what is wrong, you should know what you're doing so who am I to stop or comment? So I decided to become a silent reader instead and will be comment those I think nothing to do with your life.

Talking about the title, is about a guy name J.E.F. (find out the real name if you're clever enough). Trying his level best to know me more, always like to throw me a question and like to irritate me yet I'm happy because he like make me laugh. Good looking, yes! Even he is showing his interest on me and trying to convince to take it slowly but I didn't hope anything from anyone. I'm tired of hoping for something which I'll never get! So I told him not to hope too much from me, I'm enough with this. Well, if he really like and love me, only me, he'll get me!