All about my life....Part 3! ~ Then End

Well guys, I think it's the perfect time for me to end this topic and not to drag anymore, this is the perfect time since I'm not the right mood though. Yes, I know I'm strong and have the strength to face the challenges but one should keep in that I'm also human like others who have feelings. Recently I realized that my responsibilities is getter more and more by day by day but I know I can do it, perhaps need some time to make myself get used to it.

I'm trying my level best to get everything accordingly for this time being and just let it be! Sometime I just need to understand that not everything I can manage nor can change but rather let it change itself or let it as what it is.Even I'm getting tired of everything but nothing stop me to rise again.

What I'd learn and had been tought me is not enough where need to learn more and more, not matter how much I learn it'll never fulfill my life journey. There's a time where some of my friends told me that "better do nothing than do something and waste my time" but I told them back "at least I learn something by doing something rather do nothing", all of them kept quite and look at me. I don't know what's their though about me at that time but they smile at me, don't know what's that supposed to mean.

Anyway, I think is time for me to end this chapter! Can't believe that my first short entry but there's nothing I can write anymore. There's still alot of that can talk about me but just not in the right mood as I told earlier. I want to sleep by forgetting everything and sleep peacefully rather than think and mess up my mind.

All about me..... (part 2)

Hey guys, actually I don't have the right mood to update the blog today but something was happened to me this morning and evening which forced me update it no matter what. As all of you can guess which the matter of course related all about me (part 2). I think the part 2 entry will be a bit emotional though. Have you guys ever experienced before your own family member talk and look down at you? Well I'd experienced it this morning when my sister said that I'm pondan! Hm I was stunned and don't know what to say and reply, I was kept quite and continue my daily routine even it is hurt me inside but pretended as nothing happen to me. My heart was so broken when I heard that words, really hurt deep inside my heart.

Second is where one of my blog having a relationship issue with his boyfriend where almost broke up but I tried my level best to help them by advising both. After few days of struggling at last they get back together but all of sudden on my friend earlier post annoyed at me buy stop judging people and watch out my mouth. I was stunned again! I don't know what I did until turn him to that angry at me, all I was trying to do is just helping him out that but I don't have any other intention on him or his boyfriend either.

After a while I realize that I was make a biggest mistake in my life, who am I to judge others! Who gave me the rights to do so? All this while, I'm judging people by the name of advicing then and never realized of it. How could I made a mistake? As others said, we all are human so is normal make mistake and I sincerely admit that. It's alright at least I know what I was doing and where was my mistake, I'm really tired of this! I always like to help my friends but some time they wrongly though me that being busy body with their life. Anyhow, I've to put a full stop for this before it get worse than now.

I always like to motivate myself to keep cheer up so that I won't look so down till don't have to mood to anything. Some of you might think that I'm crazy when I say I'll talk to myself while driving alone or in my room, sometime it makes me feel better, I feel like I talk to some one which same like me and advicing myself. When ever I feel down or sad, I'll talk like this at least I can make myself calm down and release from the sad or down.

No matter how much I've gone through in my life but it'll never fail to rise me up again! Daily life tought me a lot on how I should in future and I know the direction of my life. It might not appropriate for me to talk about my parents bad habits nor look talk bad about them but this is the only place where I can put up all my words. I do love my parents but they always support my sister at the end of the day, I didn't it's wrong but at least make her realize of her mistakes. I'm not sure whether did I tell you guys about my study financial problems? There was a time when I really needed money for my study and that was my first year which I need to pay almost RM10k to University of London immediately. What will most you guys will do? Will ask parents for money right, well I'd the same but the answer from my dad was amazing "You find your own way, I don't have that amount of money"! I just smile back at my dad and mum and return back to my room but one think was made me curious! If they said they don't have money but how come they can settle my sister debt over RM40k while my sister not even care about her debt? But I didn't ask them, I was just sit and think where I can get the money!

After thinking a while I ask my brother but I'd aspected the answer from them "use you money"! That was the time I started to not trust anyone in my life! Guess what a guy age 19 can do for money? Yes, I have job but as a clerk and how much I could earn and pay the fees? I decided to take loan from bank, that's the last choice I've but there was problem as well, who will be my guarantor? All of my idea didn't work and at last wrote a letter to UOL and they agreed to receive the money in small amount just like an instalment every month and started my studies. When I think back those moment, I couldn't cry because I've no more tears and now my heart being cold to everything and everyone.

There's still a lot about me on how I gain when ever I fall but not today. I'm so tired of everything, I want to be alone and wish I could be sitting at beach enjoying the cold wind. I really need a shoulder for to laid on but I rather keep everything with me. That all for today and part 3 will be publish if I'm still alive face everything, I'll alive because I believe in myself.

Soon or later I'm planning to close this blog or make it a private blog. Sorry, my intention was just not to disturb anyone nor angry at anyone but just keeping a distance. Start today, I'll be no more commenting on other blog, just read is enough. If I ever did hurt anyone Numan, bang Zack, Qemal, bang Daus, bang John and ect, I'm sincerely asking for apology. Thank you so much for the guide and advice.

All about me.... (Part 1)

Good morning everyone, sorry for being away from blog for few days, just feel like wanted to spend some of my time alone. Thanks to bang Daus for chat with me yesterday, really appreciate that. So for this time entry will be all about me since from small till now, I'll try to compress the story and try to make it short. Is all about my childhood life, school, family, friends and my personal life story and I'm aspect-ing not too long, let me straight to the point.

My name is Patrick (nick name) and there's a real name for me though but not to mention here, not that want to hide but I rather encourage people call me Patrick than the other one. Talking about my name, I've got lots of nick name especially in my family. I've got a lovely parents who always like to scold me like my mum, I just simply love the way she scold me and I'll simply make her angry in order to scold me, how stupid I are! My dad, scold of course yes but never beat me before, he such a loving dad but I love my mum more than others, she always the best for me in the world. Hm about my siblings 2 brother and 1 sister which all of the are married with kids, which not that loving one but at least would smile at me, not so much of stories about that, perhaps, I'm lazy to talk about them hahahaha.

Talking about my school life, is the most fun time in my life especially when I was in primary school. I'm seriously don't know I hate schools during that time, always don't finish my homework and the most best part was that hide all the homework book in my father car as the back of the seat hahahaha and when almost reach school will tell my dad that my left my book at house. My dad will driver me back and look for the book, guess what, one day my stupid sister found out my brilliant idea, how bad she is man, that's why I hate her sometime! She always like to bully me when I was small. After I enter standard 4, I'd change my attitudes all of sudden and starts to be hard working in study until now, never stop studying just simply like it. School life, hm the most fun time with among the friends and teacher.

Come to friends, yes I'm friendly type with everyone no matter they are rick or poor, what religion they are! For me, we all are human which created by god! Is good to have a friends which know you better but there's one kind of people when use you by the name of friends! For me is simple, if you need help just tell me straight forward, I'll try my level best to help you and if can't I'll tell you that I'm sorry. But never use the words best friend when you don't know the real meaning. I'm a kind of person where when you accept me as your friend, I'll be with you and help you no matter what. Anyway, friends is for helping each other though, right? Hm I've been go through a lot with my friends, some say I'm arrogant and don't want to be friends with them. Is not that I'm arrogant but I rather do like to stay alone and thinking my own stuff, I don't know why but I just being like that since I was small!

Now, is time to talk about the real me! As all of you know, yes I'm gay so what! I neither wanted to be like this but I'd born this way, so what could I do? God created me and not blaming him either because he knows better of what he is doing. I've this kind of feelings since I was small when starting to know about the world and I'm like this not because I've been seduce neither raped by some crazy people out there. I know most of us become PLU because taken advantages or misused by some guys where desperately needed sex, perhaps need hole to pump in! Well, I'm not being used like I said, I naturally born this way! I like to see guys since I small and get hard, involve in real gay world when I was in standard six when it was my first masturbation trial tough by my straight friend which is same age with me. Started to love the same sex, so call boyfriend when I was 17th which is quite young but matured enough to think the right things for myself.

As all of you aware, I've got through a lot in my life in this young age! Many of them said that I really look matured then others by way of thinking and my appearance. I don't know how good I am but I'm trying to be the good one. Everyone have their weakness and same applies to me, I would never denied that because I know myself better when ever I made a mistake and that's was the right time for me to spot my weakness! I'm quite surprised with my own achievement even though I happy and proud of myself, I shall not mention thousand time what's my achievement was but one or two would be to good which is my current carrier and my study! My study, not to talk too much, studying law under university of London which I need to put all my effort to achieve my childhood dream. Is not easy to aim a dream and work it out, it happens to me when I was trying to persue my dreams (which I"ll talk some other time) but I tried really hard and guess what, I studying what I want.

My carrier, which is a challenging part in my life but I really enjoying it with my 200 workers under me which I need to control and my office work. Even is a bit hard for me but nothing is impossible for me. No matter how many time I fall, I'll rise again! This is me, I don't care what others think about me because none of them know what my life journey was but if they want to talk, please carry on with my pleasure because I've got nothing to loose, it ain't hurt me that much like before this.

Ok guys, I'll talk the rest later or my tomorrow since I'm free tomorrow and sunday. So stay tune!

Jom...kita dengar cite benar pada 16~07~11

Hello korang semua apa khabar? Dah makan? Apa? Rindu kat saya hahaha saya tau korang semua akan rindu kat saya yang comel ni kan. Sorrylah korang, saya betul2 busy ngan kerja....study hmmmm xlah busy pun sebab cuti sem katanya muahahahah bestnya kan...ok kali ni kita dengaq cite benar mengenai saya dan syam yang jumpa sabtu lepas. Perjumpaan kita orang ni tak rancang pun, it just happen all of sudden :p well adalah planning last minute heheh

Mula2 memang kita orang planning nak tengok movie Harry potter so saya pun beli lah tiket online, couple seat siot hahahah bukan sengaja tapi terpaksa sebab semua seat depan dah penuh, so takder choice, kempunan sangat nak tengok hahahah. Pagi sabtu tu, saya punyerlah gigih nak naik bas kul 6.30am hahah korang mampu. Saya bukan nak sangat nak naik bas pagi buta mcam tu tapi disebabkan aku nak gi salon so kenalah awal sikit. Sampai stesen bas, ada plak tiket dah habis! Hampeh tul budak2 maktap yang hodoh tu.....tension tul masa tu tengok dier orang....orang dahlah sedih sebab tak tiket...hmm terpaksalah kena beli tiket kul 8am....eik 8am habis jugak....weh mangkuk korang ni semua nak gi maner sampai beli habis tiket semua...aduh 9am lah nampak...habis dahlah muvi kul 11.40am....konpem tak sempat lah kali ni.....eh tunggu dulu....korang nak tau saya buat apa hahahahah. Mestilah kena pau driver bas tu hahahahah dapatlah seat sebelah driver lagi weh korang...korang mampu? Tak mampu hahahah siap free lagi....tengoklah betapa larisnya aku hahahahaha (Numan, ko mampu?)

Sampai jew KL terus pergi sungei wang kat salon! Eh, hameph tak bukak lagi, yerlah appointment saya kul 10.45am, saya pergi kul 9.40am maner nak buka..boloh...hahahah tiba2 rasa lapar lak plak, so apa lagi pergilah Old Town White coffee kat sungei wang tu minum honey lemon ngan toasted bread with sugar. Lepas makan, ngam2 10.45am terus pergi saloon cuci, gunting, cuci dan style kan. Wow hensemnya aku, dahlah masa biasa pun banyak orang yang ngorat aku...ni dah style confirm semua ikut saya balik umah....stress tau hahahah. Eh jap3....dah kul berapa ni? Cuba tengok jam....makkkkkkkk dah kul 11.30am........aduh.....amoi kat saloon kan, cantik memang cantik tapi lembap....tapi takperlah dier buat cepat2 khas untuk saya sahaja :p

Lepas jew siap, apa lagi pecut lah ke pavilion. Dengan mengunakan segala tenaga dan power yang saya ada, saya start merempit siap langgar beberapa orang yang hampir jatuh. Hello korang, saya lari macam tu bukan nak tengok syam tapi nak kejar tengok Harry Potter yang dulu pernah tackle aku tu (perasan meroyan) tapi aku yang reject sebab dier tak sesuai ngan level saya, lah sayakan high class gitew....sampai jew pavilion lari naik ke GSC dan nampak lah syam hahahah hmmmm hensem jugak dier ni, ok lah not bad though, who cares! Tetiba ingat apa yang msg oleh safar ' cyg jangan nakal2 erk" Hello, ko hingat aku bf ko ker? Tolong lah...belum confirm lagi erk hahahaha lagi2 masa market aku tengah naik ni....lagi lah tak confirm hahahahah.

Nampak syam, salam jap...saya kan alim gitew hahahah dan dier beli air, masuk ke bilik cinema dan duduk kat couple seat. So mulalah show harry potter tiba2 syam tarik tangan saya dan pegang, bukan pegang biasa weh erat plak tu macam nak tercabut jari saya. Saya cuba tarik balik tapi dier pegang lagi kuat....ya ampun....kalau nak tackle pun tolong lah jangan macam ni dulu, nampak macam desperate sangat...aduh lepas lah tangan saya sakit lah (dalam hati lah)....dier pegang tangan saya sampai habis movie..ya ampun....fuh sakit tangan..cian kat cari yang comel ni....

Lepas habis movie kita orang pergi Times bookshop tengok buku dan pergi makan...lepas makan pergi kedai speed lak tengok dvd...lepas tu apa lagi balik lah oiiiii. Aku dahlah teruna lagi nanti tak pasal2 kena rogol, dah lah comel. Masa nak gi monorail tu, tiba2 dier letak tangan atas bahu saya lak...yang biasalah sebab semua orang memang suka letak tangan atas bahu saya, so saya biarkan jewlah...desperat sangat dier ni kan...so lepas tu balik lah. Masa nak balik tu ya tuhanku punyerlah banyak sms dari dier yang jiwang sangat.....saya letih reply tau....so macam itulah story benar pada 16-07-2011 dari pagi sampai malam hahahaha.

Ni gambar syam untuk tatapan korang especially untuk numan yang desperate sangat....

Show encrypted text

ps: kalau nak password klik iklan kat tepi tu ok hahahah ugut lak plak hahaha

Something wrong somewhere with me!

Hey gus, not to talk to much and let us straight to the point this time. I'm not sure why but I have the feeling something wrong somewhere with me. I'm seriously not doing really good neither in my work, study nor my relationship especially in love! I just can't figure it out why, I'm so slow for moving forward yet I'm motivating myself for doing better. I know it can't be helped by others unless by myself.

I'm not productive enough in my work like earlier! I easily get tired and no mood to work sometime with those problem arise in work, especially problem among in my department. Everyone aspect me to solve it and why me, not them? I just don't understand and didn't mean don't want to help them but just that how about my own task on the other hand. I'm too young to hold so much of responsibilities on both shoulder, I'm so tired especially today, even I'm sick I'd attended 3 meetings from morning 11.30am, noon at 2.30pm and evening 4.30pm yesterday. In such situation how did you aspect me to take care of other issue? I tried to discuss with my boss but he reluctant and keep saying that I can handle this.

Even I don't have much energy to do all today but I fought with my body and tortured myself to do everything by running up and down at the site and solve department issues. Not enough with this plus with my workers issue where I required to involve in HR matters to help sort out this by not causing any problem with the workers and for the company. Sometime I've the doubt which department I'm working for but there's one time where HR'd offered me to switch to their department but my boss hold me on, how selfish he is man hahahaha.

And today, I lost one of my engineer from my department due to his misconduct where slept at work place and he gotten a third warning letter, even conducted DI for him. At last, jury decided to give their verdict as termination, I'd try to back him up as much as I can but they seems hold in their verdict. I'm not good enough being their supervisor when I can't even protect my own workers. He eyes were full of tears when he about to say goodbye to me and hug me for the last one, even though I'm sad too but I've to motivate and give him strength to move on, wish him all the best and send him off.

Talking about my love life, I just don't understand my feelings inside me. I'm so confuse with myself, since there are few tackling me main is Safar and second is Syam. Both of them are seems good and taking care of me but I just don't want to hurt them. Why can't I be honest with myself and with them? I know how it's feel when people play with your feelings, it is the most hurt part in our life but I'm just being friend with them and at the same time I'm like them as well. Somehow rather I need to remain as what I am and choose the best for myself and if I can't I'll be friend with them rather than hurt one and love another one.

No matter what, I need to chase up and torture myself to become better. I've no choice and I've too simply because being the highest I must promote being a good one then only others will tend to follow. Ok, see you guys in next entry ok! So stay tune!

Tak sihat sebab senyapkan diri! Hahahaha

Vanakam....makkk tiba2 jew kuar bahasa tamil...hambek ko Nu'man hahahaha. Haaa kali ni ada enry sensasi dan hot gitew. Korang nak dengar tak? Maih sini dekat2...eh ko Nu'man yang ko dekat sangat ngan aku ni apasal? Hahaha meroyan lah plak. Macam ni citanya, aku ada lah terima email entah dari sapa awek hantar voucher KFC dan Mac'd so aku forward lah kat Alif. Tiba2 dier reply "thank awk..awk npe senyap,ingatkn dh x mau kwn dgn sye dah..sdih sye...." terkedu saya baca ayat ni, skema sangat ya ampun....

Aku pun reply lah "Ish maner ada xmau kawan ngan awk….wak…saya masih sayangkan awk macam dulu lagi" ! Apa, mah yangkan macam dulu! Astaga, apa nak jadi ngan aku ni. Betul weh korang, aku masih sayangkan dier macam dulu, aku xleh nak lupakan dier dan sayang terhadap dier. Aku pun xtau lah korang nak cakap macam maner, aduh! Kalau safar tau benda, mampus aku kena lenyek ngan keta iswara dier tu (padahal dah gitau pun)!

Walaupun saya busy, dier kata nak chat ngan aku, dengan begitu gigihnya aku on lah ym....korang nak tengok apa yang kita orang chat? Nak tengok lah....

Hitam: Saya yang comel ni
Merah: Dier yang bernama Arin (alif)

Korang perasan tak line terkahir tu apa yang dier cakap? Dier tak sihat sebab aku senyapkan diri hahahahah banyak lah hang..itulah orang cinta ko ngan setia dan ikhlas tapi ko taknak. Tengok sapa yang merana sekarang, ko jugak! Conversation kita orang stop kat sini sebab saya ada meeting lepas tu tapi tiba2 aku rasa macam aku rindu kat dier bila fikri balik Safar, aduh..aku dah jadi macam heroin cita korea yang bernama "Playful kiss"...aduh.... Aku tak sampai hati nak lukakan Alif dan jugak Safar, dua2 penting untuk saya.

Tak cukup ngan dua orang mamat ni ada plak dua orang lagi nak ngorat aku (Nu'man, ko jangan nak jeles k). Nama seorang tu Syam dan seorang lagi tu eisham, aku pening lah ngan dier orang ni. Walaupun dier tak straight forward kata suka kat saya tapi cara percakapan dier orang tu memang suka kat saya. Syam ni sebaya ngan saya tapi dier muda dari bulan so aku panggil lah abang dan dier pun suka aku panggil abang (bajet muda lagi lah aku ni kan hahaha). Tapi orangnya bagus tapi garang. Dier masih study lagi bio medic kat KL dan buat macam ni kerja part time kat 7E sebab cuti sem, biasalah student katanya hahaha. Dier ni kira hensem jugaklah bagi aku tapi dier xtau lagi yang saya dah berpunyer dan saya pun xgitau lagi, gatai sangatkan aku ni but I've to remember that DON"T EVER PLAY WITH PEOPLE FEELINGS! I'll tell but not now, I want to enjoy bukan sebagai skandal tapi sebagai kawan. Dier ajak saya tengok movie weh korang, Harry potter, sabtu ni, kat pavi kul 11.40am couple seat plak tu...tu dia confirm dier suka kat cheq, stress tau.

Lagi seorang tu Eisham, baru jew kenal tapi dah lama msg dalam tagged lah. Dier pun tanya pasal diri saya dan kata suka kat saya. Yang ni pun kira ok lah tapi aku xlah nak lebih2 ngan dier cuma sebagai kawan jew, xlebih dari itu. Laagi pun saya xnak dier letak harapan atas saya, yalah nanti dier letak harapn kang mampus saya. Ni pun nak gi tengok wayang ngan Syam tu pun Safar tak bagi tapi lepas saya melerek ngan dier sikit baru dier kata ok.

psst: Nu'man, aku rasa hang tak laku lah, cian kat ko kan wakakakaka

Mogok lagi....aduh....!

Selamat korang semua, apa khabar? Dah makan ker? I baru siap makan dan nak update blog lah katanya. Ini kali pertama saya update blog kat umah kan, selalu kat office tapi sejak menjak dah ada streamxy kat umah so adalah banyak masa yang terluang leh update blog kan. Lagipun speed dier memang ok, lagi cheq suka leh tengok porn opps heheheh saya budak baik k bukan macam korang yang sanggap hari2.....

Ok entri kali mogok lah plak....hello ni bukan mogok pasal bersih k ni pasal dua orang kat office saya mogok dan xnak kawan ngan saya. Apa masalah semua mangkuk kat ofis ni har? Datang period sampai tak henti lagi kar? Stress tul ngan dua ekor mangkuk ni, aduh. Nama 2 ekor tu adalah Shan ngan Amy, kira rapat jugaklah ngan saya sebelum mogok. Dier orang selalu cari saya untuk breakfast dan lunch, suka buat lawak ngan saya. Mentang2 saya ni comel, ambik kesempatan kat aku lah katakan heheheh

Aku pun tak fahamlah apa masalah dier orang, tiba2 ber 2 ekor ni emo dan xnak cakap ngan aku. Aku senang jew kalau ko dah xnak cakap ngan aku, bye bye lah. Ko hingat aku nak sangat kawan ngan korang ker? Tapi saya tak tunjuk lah, saya cool jew dan buat xtau lah. Walau macam maner pun saya minta maaf walau pun saya tak buat silap, saya kan alim dan ayu gitew (alim dan ayu lah sangat hahaha). Lepas minta maaf tu, saya terus senyap, no action have been taken to solve the problem. I mean why should solve a problem which I've never created one and I'm tired of this. Come one guys, what is wrong with those people? Human are more complicated than a computer man!

Benda ni dah jadi dekat 2 minggu so saya buat xtau dan buat kerja saya jewlah. Lagi bagus sebab dulu almost habis waktu kerja saya dengan dier orang sebab I'm the chairman for the comity so we spent time to discuss stuff that we want to carry out but lately after this incident I use those time to do my pending works which is really worth for me rather than wasting my time with non useful matters. After all I'm the chairman for the comity which I need to take responsibilities at the end of day but it seems like they not like it, do I care? I'm not going to loose a post which my company assigned to me base on trust. I'll do my part no matter what they going to say, that all doesn't matter to me at all but the most important this is I carry out what I should do that all.

Eh knp tiba2 BI plak....motif sangat nak tunjuk yang saya pandai kan hahahaha. Xderlah korang, saya lebih suka guna BI bila nak argue, I don't know why hehe. Ni pasal kakak angkat yang mogok tak tentu pasal tu, walaupun dah xda apa2 antara saya ngan dier tapi kadang2 saya risau pasal dier jugak. Dier dah nak kahwin tapi dier nampak tak serius nak kahwin, saya rasa dier suka kat orang lain kot. Knp saya cakap macam ni? Saya takkan cakap tanpa bukti, ada seorang lelaki yang bernama hendry, selalu keluar ngan dier waktu malam dan behave bagus sangat denpan dier. Tau2 jewlah kalau perempuan behave bsopan kat seorang lelaki tu mesti ada something kan. Dier pernah gitau saya yang jangan cakap pasal tunang dier depan laki tu, masa tu pun saya dah rasa pelik semacam dan sekarang macam dah confirm apa yang saya fikir ni. Hmmm xtau lah apa yang akan berlaku tapi ini adalah hidup dier sendiri, saya tak dapat nak tolong banyak lebih2 lagi pada waktu begini. So saya hanya bole pray untuk dier sahaja.

Sekarang saya cuba untuk abaikan benda tu semua dan fokus kat diri saya daripada fokus pada orang yang tak pedulikan saya kan. Kadang2 saya pun pelik tentang diri aku ni sebab saya boleh berkomunikasi dengan baik dan advice orang yang berumur dalam lingkungan 40 hingga 60 kat tempat kerja saya terutamanya orang2 yang kerja bawah saya seperti pemandu lori, machine operator, dewateing crews and ect. Hari ni saya terminatekan kontrak 2 orang driver dan korang cuba bayangkan betapa susahnya nak terangkan kat dier orang sebab kenapa dier orang kena terminate dan jelaskan semua. Penat tau tak korang nak deal ngan orang tua2 ni tapi walau macam maner pun saya kena dan terpaksa buat kerja saya sebagai seorang supervisor dier orang dan kedua besar di department saya. I need to be fair with everyone and I'll do my best :)

~The End~