......the life journey is still mine!

Hey guys, how is everyone especially abang zack, abang John, Abang Numan, Abang Dam, Abang Daus, Abang Rocwk and others? Well back to the story, recently I realized a things which is no matter what or who I've in my life, the life journey is still mine so what's the point worrying don't have someone in my life? Perhaps, is good to have someone in our life to share our happy and sad but at the end of the day they not going to follow wherever we go, especially our last permanent home under 6 feet!

For me, no one going to change me nor know me well except myself! Sometime, I'm envy seeing those couple having a nice and happy relationship but I came to understand and always told myself that my life is different from them. Even I can't get a good relationship like them but I always happy, pray and help them as much as I can so that they will have long time relationship. As for me, I always hope and wish that how good if there's a person who I love the most hug me, lay my head on their chest and whisper to me "don't worry pat, everything will be alright. I'm here for you!" At the end of the day, it just an imagination of mine and I don't put too much hope on that because never aspect everyone like I want right.

I don't know why, I just simply happy when my friend happy with their partner in their life. Anyway, there's much more for me to learn. I'll stop learning when I in my permanent home under 6th feet. Yesterday I saw a friend of mine who kept asking me when I'm going to marry hahahah, I just laugh! I don't want to marry not because I'm gay but there's another reason which I will safe for last means tell later. I just don't want to ruin anyone life when I know my own condition and where it will leads to so better better avoid from it.

How I wish I want to be kids back to my mum like when I was small that always hug me when I'm cry, when I was in pain and when I was sick! But I proud of myself being a big boy now and handle everything myself and being independent. Well, even there's a lot who live independently and younger than me. Whenever I face a problem or pain, I though I'm having a hard time but I'd came to realize that there are people who facing problem more worse than mine and that's when I put myself in their show to feel their pain as well.

I easily get a long with people no matter what age are they as long as they can talk to me. I'm a kind of person who if you talk and smile, I'll reply but if you show you ugly face then I've no comment other than keep quite and being myself. People always said that I'm good in attract people and know how to start a conversation, am I? well, it born in myself I guess, perhaps, I learn myself.

Oh yeah, I almost forget the part which I wanted to talk. Last couple of day ago, I heard that some people talking at the back of me. Well, sometime I appreciate people who talk back of me because they like to point out my weakness where I can change it but sometime I just let it be because I know they don't have work to do so I cannot help them out, I prefer to do my work rather wasting my time by arguing with them. If you know the not going to change their attitude so what's the point right?

guys, is love will make a person crazy? Hahaha well, it did! Safar getting crazy, he could borrow handphone credit from his friend just to sms me. He's really crazy and yes I know he love me sincerely but I've to remind myself something that might get him upset so is better I keep being friend with everyone.

Recently, I found myself getting too tired, exhausted, my back head are keep pain like hell. At first I though it just migraine but my thoughts was wrong after I received my medical report last few days from Ampang Puteri Hospital. It was quit surprised me but nevermind that's what god wanted right so let it be because he know what's the better for me. Even it makes me feel sad but I still happy because at least I've been go through as much as I can and achieved some of my dreams though. I don't know when I'll reach my time and credits to Dr. Mei Ling who helped me a lot to go through this. At first I though not to write this at here but where else I can put out my feelings and for sure I'll not going to tell my parents about this. They already burdened with too much of problem and I don't want to add their burden with this.

Love...!

Hey guys, sorry for being away for a while. I was really busy with works plus with few days course at Subang. Ok, some of you might get boring because I'd talk about love before right but is up to you guys whether want to read or not, I just putting what I feel from time to time. Our feeling always change so we might come out with different kind of thinking so here's what I'd though yesterday.

As you al know, love the most beautiful and precious things in our life but there are few people who at first struggling and looking for love but will not appreciate it after get it, will struggle again after lost it so what's the point you finding for love if you cannot take care of it. Actually, most of us are the same as what did I mentioned above, include me. When I was around 17, that was the time I looking for love and promised myself will appreciate it if found but what was happen after I found was that I didn't really appreciate it and I lost it. Perhaps, it was my first love and lack of experience so I forgive myself for that but I learn from it so that I can be more becareful in future.

If you guys really observe those people who looking or desperate love, they'll look at the guy face and whether he rich or not to afford buy stuff for them! Hahaha sometime when my friend told me about this, I started to laugh! Is not that I look down at them but don't they realize that love should come base on two true heart which prepared to love each other? Love is not just looking for a partner where you can proud of but more to love each other and take care one another all the time.

There'll be a period where you hardly to believe your bf but remember, love is all about trust! Without trust love is a normal word that we use in our daily life without any feelings. Love can happen on anyone, don't be afraid to express it. It doesn't matter who you love, it might be you father, mother, siblings, friends or the people you like the most, no harm saying that you love them. Love is also like an accident that we can predict when it could be happen, it just happen just like that. Sometime it would take longer time to fall in love and sometime it just took 1 second to fall in love, it's all depend on that person. But sometime, we must know to identify love and lust, well lust is a different topic so we just skip that past instead.

When you have a conflict do not ever make a conclusion without knowing the truth, always ask why and hear the fact on his side. Even sometime is hard but is better to know the truth of the other part rather suffer at the end of the day. Recently, I experienced different kind of situation as above and I'm not sure whether you guys did experienced before. As I told before, there are few guys who like me from day to day and below are the situation:

Safar

Well, he's not that handsome nor ugly but he's really kind and romantic. He'd told me that he started to love before I love Alif but he didn't want to tell me since he knew that I love some one else but guess what, he straight away proposed to me once after he realize that I broke with Alif hahaha. He's a funny guy who like to make smile always even I feel down sometime.

Syam

Hmmm nothing much about him but I would rather say he not really clear about himself as well. He not sure what he wanted in his life, guess what guys! There one time I told him that don't put too much hope on me and he turned to like other guys, not a problem for me though but he love a guy who already have a bf hahahaha like scandal! Hmmm all I can do is advice him but the decision is his. I ask him to take time for think about it as I needed time as well, the love feelings is not just there in my heart.

Alif

Before break with him, he don't have the feelings on me but after break he started to love me hahaha. He's not romantic but I just simply like him even now hahaha. Is not he is handsome or whatsoever , perhaps, he understand me well :)

However, there're few who started to put some words on me and not to mention here, perhaps in future after they started to have real feelings on me hehe. As for now, I'm not ready to love yet. Not that I don't want to love anymore but I don't want to rush into this. I want to take more time for myself and enjoy my life first by having lot's of friends around me :)

All about my life....Part 3! ~ Then End

Well guys, I think it's the perfect time for me to end this topic and not to drag anymore, this is the perfect time since I'm not the right mood though. Yes, I know I'm strong and have the strength to face the challenges but one should keep in that I'm also human like others who have feelings. Recently I realized that my responsibilities is getter more and more by day by day but I know I can do it, perhaps need some time to make myself get used to it.

I'm trying my level best to get everything accordingly for this time being and just let it be! Sometime I just need to understand that not everything I can manage nor can change but rather let it change itself or let it as what it is.Even I'm getting tired of everything but nothing stop me to rise again.

What I'd learn and had been tought me is not enough where need to learn more and more, not matter how much I learn it'll never fulfill my life journey. There's a time where some of my friends told me that "better do nothing than do something and waste my time" but I told them back "at least I learn something by doing something rather do nothing", all of them kept quite and look at me. I don't know what's their though about me at that time but they smile at me, don't know what's that supposed to mean.

Anyway, I think is time for me to end this chapter! Can't believe that my first short entry but there's nothing I can write anymore. There's still alot of that can talk about me but just not in the right mood as I told earlier. I want to sleep by forgetting everything and sleep peacefully rather than think and mess up my mind.

All about me..... (part 2)

Hey guys, actually I don't have the right mood to update the blog today but something was happened to me this morning and evening which forced me update it no matter what. As all of you can guess which the matter of course related all about me (part 2). I think the part 2 entry will be a bit emotional though. Have you guys ever experienced before your own family member talk and look down at you? Well I'd experienced it this morning when my sister said that I'm pondan! Hm I was stunned and don't know what to say and reply, I was kept quite and continue my daily routine even it is hurt me inside but pretended as nothing happen to me. My heart was so broken when I heard that words, really hurt deep inside my heart.

Second is where one of my blog having a relationship issue with his boyfriend where almost broke up but I tried my level best to help them by advising both. After few days of struggling at last they get back together but all of sudden on my friend earlier post annoyed at me buy stop judging people and watch out my mouth. I was stunned again! I don't know what I did until turn him to that angry at me, all I was trying to do is just helping him out that but I don't have any other intention on him or his boyfriend either.

After a while I realize that I was make a biggest mistake in my life, who am I to judge others! Who gave me the rights to do so? All this while, I'm judging people by the name of advicing then and never realized of it. How could I made a mistake? As others said, we all are human so is normal make mistake and I sincerely admit that. It's alright at least I know what I was doing and where was my mistake, I'm really tired of this! I always like to help my friends but some time they wrongly though me that being busy body with their life. Anyhow, I've to put a full stop for this before it get worse than now.

I always like to motivate myself to keep cheer up so that I won't look so down till don't have to mood to anything. Some of you might think that I'm crazy when I say I'll talk to myself while driving alone or in my room, sometime it makes me feel better, I feel like I talk to some one which same like me and advicing myself. When ever I feel down or sad, I'll talk like this at least I can make myself calm down and release from the sad or down.

No matter how much I've gone through in my life but it'll never fail to rise me up again! Daily life tought me a lot on how I should in future and I know the direction of my life. It might not appropriate for me to talk about my parents bad habits nor look talk bad about them but this is the only place where I can put up all my words. I do love my parents but they always support my sister at the end of the day, I didn't it's wrong but at least make her realize of her mistakes. I'm not sure whether did I tell you guys about my study financial problems? There was a time when I really needed money for my study and that was my first year which I need to pay almost RM10k to University of London immediately. What will most you guys will do? Will ask parents for money right, well I'd the same but the answer from my dad was amazing "You find your own way, I don't have that amount of money"! I just smile back at my dad and mum and return back to my room but one think was made me curious! If they said they don't have money but how come they can settle my sister debt over RM40k while my sister not even care about her debt? But I didn't ask them, I was just sit and think where I can get the money!

After thinking a while I ask my brother but I'd aspected the answer from them "use you money"! That was the time I started to not trust anyone in my life! Guess what a guy age 19 can do for money? Yes, I have job but as a clerk and how much I could earn and pay the fees? I decided to take loan from bank, that's the last choice I've but there was problem as well, who will be my guarantor? All of my idea didn't work and at last wrote a letter to UOL and they agreed to receive the money in small amount just like an instalment every month and started my studies. When I think back those moment, I couldn't cry because I've no more tears and now my heart being cold to everything and everyone.

There's still a lot about me on how I gain when ever I fall but not today. I'm so tired of everything, I want to be alone and wish I could be sitting at beach enjoying the cold wind. I really need a shoulder for to laid on but I rather keep everything with me. That all for today and part 3 will be publish if I'm still alive face everything, I'll alive because I believe in myself.

Soon or later I'm planning to close this blog or make it a private blog. Sorry, my intention was just not to disturb anyone nor angry at anyone but just keeping a distance. Start today, I'll be no more commenting on other blog, just read is enough. If I ever did hurt anyone Numan, bang Zack, Qemal, bang Daus, bang John and ect, I'm sincerely asking for apology. Thank you so much for the guide and advice.

All about me.... (Part 1)

Good morning everyone, sorry for being away from blog for few days, just feel like wanted to spend some of my time alone. Thanks to bang Daus for chat with me yesterday, really appreciate that. So for this time entry will be all about me since from small till now, I'll try to compress the story and try to make it short. Is all about my childhood life, school, family, friends and my personal life story and I'm aspect-ing not too long, let me straight to the point.

My name is Patrick (nick name) and there's a real name for me though but not to mention here, not that want to hide but I rather encourage people call me Patrick than the other one. Talking about my name, I've got lots of nick name especially in my family. I've got a lovely parents who always like to scold me like my mum, I just simply love the way she scold me and I'll simply make her angry in order to scold me, how stupid I are! My dad, scold of course yes but never beat me before, he such a loving dad but I love my mum more than others, she always the best for me in the world. Hm about my siblings 2 brother and 1 sister which all of the are married with kids, which not that loving one but at least would smile at me, not so much of stories about that, perhaps, I'm lazy to talk about them hahahaha.

Talking about my school life, is the most fun time in my life especially when I was in primary school. I'm seriously don't know I hate schools during that time, always don't finish my homework and the most best part was that hide all the homework book in my father car as the back of the seat hahahaha and when almost reach school will tell my dad that my left my book at house. My dad will driver me back and look for the book, guess what, one day my stupid sister found out my brilliant idea, how bad she is man, that's why I hate her sometime! She always like to bully me when I was small. After I enter standard 4, I'd change my attitudes all of sudden and starts to be hard working in study until now, never stop studying just simply like it. School life, hm the most fun time with among the friends and teacher.

Come to friends, yes I'm friendly type with everyone no matter they are rick or poor, what religion they are! For me, we all are human which created by god! Is good to have a friends which know you better but there's one kind of people when use you by the name of friends! For me is simple, if you need help just tell me straight forward, I'll try my level best to help you and if can't I'll tell you that I'm sorry. But never use the words best friend when you don't know the real meaning. I'm a kind of person where when you accept me as your friend, I'll be with you and help you no matter what. Anyway, friends is for helping each other though, right? Hm I've been go through a lot with my friends, some say I'm arrogant and don't want to be friends with them. Is not that I'm arrogant but I rather do like to stay alone and thinking my own stuff, I don't know why but I just being like that since I was small!

Now, is time to talk about the real me! As all of you know, yes I'm gay so what! I neither wanted to be like this but I'd born this way, so what could I do? God created me and not blaming him either because he knows better of what he is doing. I've this kind of feelings since I was small when starting to know about the world and I'm like this not because I've been seduce neither raped by some crazy people out there. I know most of us become PLU because taken advantages or misused by some guys where desperately needed sex, perhaps need hole to pump in! Well, I'm not being used like I said, I naturally born this way! I like to see guys since I small and get hard, involve in real gay world when I was in standard six when it was my first masturbation trial tough by my straight friend which is same age with me. Started to love the same sex, so call boyfriend when I was 17th which is quite young but matured enough to think the right things for myself.

As all of you aware, I've got through a lot in my life in this young age! Many of them said that I really look matured then others by way of thinking and my appearance. I don't know how good I am but I'm trying to be the good one. Everyone have their weakness and same applies to me, I would never denied that because I know myself better when ever I made a mistake and that's was the right time for me to spot my weakness! I'm quite surprised with my own achievement even though I happy and proud of myself, I shall not mention thousand time what's my achievement was but one or two would be to good which is my current carrier and my study! My study, not to talk too much, studying law under university of London which I need to put all my effort to achieve my childhood dream. Is not easy to aim a dream and work it out, it happens to me when I was trying to persue my dreams (which I"ll talk some other time) but I tried really hard and guess what, I studying what I want.

My carrier, which is a challenging part in my life but I really enjoying it with my 200 workers under me which I need to control and my office work. Even is a bit hard for me but nothing is impossible for me. No matter how many time I fall, I'll rise again! This is me, I don't care what others think about me because none of them know what my life journey was but if they want to talk, please carry on with my pleasure because I've got nothing to loose, it ain't hurt me that much like before this.

Ok guys, I'll talk the rest later or my tomorrow since I'm free tomorrow and sunday. So stay tune!

Jom...kita dengar cite benar pada 16~07~11

Hello korang semua apa khabar? Dah makan? Apa? Rindu kat saya hahaha saya tau korang semua akan rindu kat saya yang comel ni kan. Sorrylah korang, saya betul2 busy ngan kerja....study hmmmm xlah busy pun sebab cuti sem katanya muahahahah bestnya kan...ok kali ni kita dengaq cite benar mengenai saya dan syam yang jumpa sabtu lepas. Perjumpaan kita orang ni tak rancang pun, it just happen all of sudden :p well adalah planning last minute heheh

Mula2 memang kita orang planning nak tengok movie Harry potter so saya pun beli lah tiket online, couple seat siot hahahah bukan sengaja tapi terpaksa sebab semua seat depan dah penuh, so takder choice, kempunan sangat nak tengok hahahah. Pagi sabtu tu, saya punyerlah gigih nak naik bas kul 6.30am hahah korang mampu. Saya bukan nak sangat nak naik bas pagi buta mcam tu tapi disebabkan aku nak gi salon so kenalah awal sikit. Sampai stesen bas, ada plak tiket dah habis! Hampeh tul budak2 maktap yang hodoh tu.....tension tul masa tu tengok dier orang....orang dahlah sedih sebab tak tiket...hmm terpaksalah kena beli tiket kul 8am....eik 8am habis jugak....weh mangkuk korang ni semua nak gi maner sampai beli habis tiket semua...aduh 9am lah nampak...habis dahlah muvi kul 11.40am....konpem tak sempat lah kali ni.....eh tunggu dulu....korang nak tau saya buat apa hahahahah. Mestilah kena pau driver bas tu hahahahah dapatlah seat sebelah driver lagi weh korang...korang mampu? Tak mampu hahahah siap free lagi....tengoklah betapa larisnya aku hahahahaha (Numan, ko mampu?)

Sampai jew KL terus pergi sungei wang kat salon! Eh, hameph tak bukak lagi, yerlah appointment saya kul 10.45am, saya pergi kul 9.40am maner nak buka..boloh...hahahah tiba2 rasa lapar lak plak, so apa lagi pergilah Old Town White coffee kat sungei wang tu minum honey lemon ngan toasted bread with sugar. Lepas makan, ngam2 10.45am terus pergi saloon cuci, gunting, cuci dan style kan. Wow hensemnya aku, dahlah masa biasa pun banyak orang yang ngorat aku...ni dah style confirm semua ikut saya balik umah....stress tau hahahah. Eh jap3....dah kul berapa ni? Cuba tengok jam....makkkkkkkk dah kul 11.30am........aduh.....amoi kat saloon kan, cantik memang cantik tapi lembap....tapi takperlah dier buat cepat2 khas untuk saya sahaja :p

Lepas jew siap, apa lagi pecut lah ke pavilion. Dengan mengunakan segala tenaga dan power yang saya ada, saya start merempit siap langgar beberapa orang yang hampir jatuh. Hello korang, saya lari macam tu bukan nak tengok syam tapi nak kejar tengok Harry Potter yang dulu pernah tackle aku tu (perasan meroyan) tapi aku yang reject sebab dier tak sesuai ngan level saya, lah sayakan high class gitew....sampai jew pavilion lari naik ke GSC dan nampak lah syam hahahah hmmmm hensem jugak dier ni, ok lah not bad though, who cares! Tetiba ingat apa yang msg oleh safar ' cyg jangan nakal2 erk" Hello, ko hingat aku bf ko ker? Tolong lah...belum confirm lagi erk hahahaha lagi2 masa market aku tengah naik ni....lagi lah tak confirm hahahahah.

Nampak syam, salam jap...saya kan alim gitew hahahah dan dier beli air, masuk ke bilik cinema dan duduk kat couple seat. So mulalah show harry potter tiba2 syam tarik tangan saya dan pegang, bukan pegang biasa weh erat plak tu macam nak tercabut jari saya. Saya cuba tarik balik tapi dier pegang lagi kuat....ya ampun....kalau nak tackle pun tolong lah jangan macam ni dulu, nampak macam desperate sangat...aduh lepas lah tangan saya sakit lah (dalam hati lah)....dier pegang tangan saya sampai habis movie..ya ampun....fuh sakit tangan..cian kat cari yang comel ni....

Lepas habis movie kita orang pergi Times bookshop tengok buku dan pergi makan...lepas makan pergi kedai speed lak tengok dvd...lepas tu apa lagi balik lah oiiiii. Aku dahlah teruna lagi nanti tak pasal2 kena rogol, dah lah comel. Masa nak gi monorail tu, tiba2 dier letak tangan atas bahu saya lak...yang biasalah sebab semua orang memang suka letak tangan atas bahu saya, so saya biarkan jewlah...desperat sangat dier ni kan...so lepas tu balik lah. Masa nak balik tu ya tuhanku punyerlah banyak sms dari dier yang jiwang sangat.....saya letih reply tau....so macam itulah story benar pada 16-07-2011 dari pagi sampai malam hahahaha.

Ni gambar syam untuk tatapan korang especially untuk numan yang desperate sangat....

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ps: kalau nak password klik iklan kat tepi tu ok hahahah ugut lak plak hahaha

Something wrong somewhere with me!

Hey gus, not to talk to much and let us straight to the point this time. I'm not sure why but I have the feeling something wrong somewhere with me. I'm seriously not doing really good neither in my work, study nor my relationship especially in love! I just can't figure it out why, I'm so slow for moving forward yet I'm motivating myself for doing better. I know it can't be helped by others unless by myself.

I'm not productive enough in my work like earlier! I easily get tired and no mood to work sometime with those problem arise in work, especially problem among in my department. Everyone aspect me to solve it and why me, not them? I just don't understand and didn't mean don't want to help them but just that how about my own task on the other hand. I'm too young to hold so much of responsibilities on both shoulder, I'm so tired especially today, even I'm sick I'd attended 3 meetings from morning 11.30am, noon at 2.30pm and evening 4.30pm yesterday. In such situation how did you aspect me to take care of other issue? I tried to discuss with my boss but he reluctant and keep saying that I can handle this.

Even I don't have much energy to do all today but I fought with my body and tortured myself to do everything by running up and down at the site and solve department issues. Not enough with this plus with my workers issue where I required to involve in HR matters to help sort out this by not causing any problem with the workers and for the company. Sometime I've the doubt which department I'm working for but there's one time where HR'd offered me to switch to their department but my boss hold me on, how selfish he is man hahahaha.

And today, I lost one of my engineer from my department due to his misconduct where slept at work place and he gotten a third warning letter, even conducted DI for him. At last, jury decided to give their verdict as termination, I'd try to back him up as much as I can but they seems hold in their verdict. I'm not good enough being their supervisor when I can't even protect my own workers. He eyes were full of tears when he about to say goodbye to me and hug me for the last one, even though I'm sad too but I've to motivate and give him strength to move on, wish him all the best and send him off.

Talking about my love life, I just don't understand my feelings inside me. I'm so confuse with myself, since there are few tackling me main is Safar and second is Syam. Both of them are seems good and taking care of me but I just don't want to hurt them. Why can't I be honest with myself and with them? I know how it's feel when people play with your feelings, it is the most hurt part in our life but I'm just being friend with them and at the same time I'm like them as well. Somehow rather I need to remain as what I am and choose the best for myself and if I can't I'll be friend with them rather than hurt one and love another one.

No matter what, I need to chase up and torture myself to become better. I've no choice and I've too simply because being the highest I must promote being a good one then only others will tend to follow. Ok, see you guys in next entry ok! So stay tune!