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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Is it worth...?



After the earlier incident between me and Azmi really hunting me almost everyday! I don't know how to describe, can I say I like him as well? Well, that was the answer I like him but is it worth? I get so confused with this don't know whether I'm on the right track or leading towards to a wrong part?

Until today, I'm not really sure whether he got girlfriend even he said it verbally and he did told me that over and over again! However, he like me as well that's what he told me but a couple of days ago he mentioned in massage that he just want to enjoy with me! Am I a toy for him to enjoy? After I argued on this and replied me "then what else you aspect me to say? Say I'm going to marry you?" Well, I didn't aspect him to marry me but can't he just use some nice words when you talking no matter who you talking to?

The moment he said that, it reminds and made me think that one day he'll going to marry his girlfriend in future so what's the point for me put hope on him? Is it really worth? I just wanted a person who will be mine only. I'm so tired this few days think on this and once again I touched my heart, feel the hear beat!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Thought only 1 but hmmmm.....!


At first I though only one but then only I realize there's more than one! Hey guys, am I confusing you all? Ok, this entry will be a bit longer than usual because I'm going to talk about few peoples at here and let me do it in Bahasa instead but will add some English in the middle as well hahax.

Ok, jom kita dengar lagi citer benar. Sejak kebalakangan ini ada few perkara yang buat saya kecewa untuk bercinta lagi. Korang ingat lagi tak yang Safar hantar kad raya (Simple....yet make me happy) sebenarnya kad tu lambat sampai. Selepas dier hantar kad tu, dier dah dapat bf hanya saya jew yang dok verangan! Hello bukan salah saya k dan bukan salah dier jugak tapi salah mangkuk hayun posmen tu! Tapi lepas tau yang dier dah berpunyer saya berdiam jewlah, yalah takkan nak rampas deir dari kekasih dier kot. Saya tau perasaan seseorang apabila kekasih kita dirampas oleh orang lain. Tapi yang peliknya, masa takder orang suka 1 pun takkan ada, kalau ada 1 yang suka kat saya mesti ada lebih 1 yang suka kat saya ini yang saya stress ni.

Ceritanya macam ni, lepas tau hal sebenar kad raya ni Safar dah start meroyan nak suka kat saya balik. Tapi yang masalahnya dier sudah berpunyer so saya pun advice lah dier tapi dier boleh kata nak break ngan bf dier, mangkuk dier! Saya tau dier jujur dan setia suka kat saya tapi masalahnya cuba bayangkan perasaan bf dier biler safar cakap nak break ngan dier. Walaupun safar tak rasai kesakitan itu tapi saya tak perasaan sakit itu macam maner sebab saya tak rasai banyak kali, as I'd said before I tought myself to put feel others pain by putting myself in their shoes!

Tak cukup ngan masalah safar muncul plak seroang lagi yang bernama Kamal! Aduh, ni seorang lagi tapi at last dah settle secara baik ngan dier dan stay as friend. Yang ni dah ada gf saya ulang "GF" bukan bf hokey! Ni lagi dasyat kata suka kat saya tapi baru kenal berapa minggu jew kot, dari mula saya dah tau yang dier dah ada gf so limited kan tingkah laku dan cara percakapan yasaya kat dier tapi akhirnya dier declare jugak kat saya. Dier pun kena ceramah kat saya tapi dier ni at least tak cakap nak break ngan gf kalau tak saya dah lama break kepala dier ngan batu hahaha nasib baik dier tak cakap. Part yang paling best, dier siap bawak gf dier jumpa saya dan cakap lagi kat gf dier yang dier suka kat saya. Mula lah drama tapi saya jelaskan kat gf dier!

Saya: Akak, akak jangan risau saya ngan bf akak tu hanya kawan. Saya tau perasaan akak macam maner sebab saya pun manusia macam akak jugak....

Awek: Terima kasih dik, saya tak sangka adik dapat selamat perhubungan kita orang.

Saya: Xder masalah kak :)

Haaa macam ini lah perbualan masa jumpa gf mamat tu. Hahaha muka mamat masa tu pucat giler beb macam hantu pocong hahaha tapi ada aku kesah, orang cakap elok2 taknak dengar, ni haaa hambek kau...

Haaaa yang ini lagi dasyat siap ada agenda 18x lagi hokey, korang mampu? Haaa apa nak tau aper agenda 18x tu, tunggu lah cheq habaq slow2! Nama dier mi (nama shortcut asa nama manja), sama umur ngan saya 22 (tapi saya masih 21 sebab belum sampai bulan october lagi, verangan siot). Dier study kat UM dan satu kampung ngan saya plak tu, lah maner lagi kalau bukan KL kechik (kuala Lipis). Ni pun baru jew kenal few weeks ago. Tapi dier yang add saya dulu kat FB dulu lepas saya pun approve. Untuk pengetahuan korang, saya takkan approve orang sebarangan kecuali orang tu saya memang kenal sebab tu dalam fb saya ni pending friend list dekat 200 (kejam kan aku)! So lepas approve ni kita orang pun pm dalam tu jew mula2 memang takder apa lah just macam kawan biasa jew, masa tu dier kerja partime kat KFC. Lepas tu kita orang bercadang nak jumpa lah, so set lah date and time. Akhirnya tibalah masa untuk berjumpa, saya buat macam biasa jew takder apa2 pun cuma dier yang macam nerves sikit entah kenapa, mungkin saya terlaku comel kot hehehe.

Lepas jumpa kita orang borak2 sambil minum dan makan banana split, haaa korang banana split hahahaha takder makna tersirat k! Borak punyer borak sampai kul 12.30am pagi, aduh ok lah jom kita balik...masa ini lah yang berlakunya agenda 18x, masa kul 12.30am tu dah takder orang kat cafe tu hanya kita orang berdua jew, so kita orang jalan kaki sampai ker tempat parking kete dan saya salam lah ngan dier, tiba2 dier tarik tangan saya dan terus cium saya mulut ke mulut! WTF! Tersentak aku masa tu, nasib baik takder orang. Lepas dier cium saya xtau nak buat aper just say ok bye masuk dalam keta dam balik umah. Masa otw nak balik tu dier sms kata hati2 drive, nanti dah sampai umah sms dier.

So lepas sampai umah saya sms gitau dier saya dah sampai umah tapi yang buat saya kelirunya dier kata suka kat saya dan yang saya tak pasti adalah jap kata dier dah ada berpunyer, jap kata tak! Haiiiii nak kena dier ni, sampai sekarang saya tak pasti dier dah berpunyer ker atau masih single lagi. So untuk memastikan dier orang tidak tergila gila kat aku yang comel ni, saya pun cakap kat dier orang kita kawan jewlah so kamal accept the fact, Safar dah start meroyan tapi ada plak mi buat saya meroyang kat dier. Aduh, ni yang tak best ni.....

Tapi macam maner pun saya kena kawal diri saya dari stop meroyan sebab saya tak jelas lagi status mi ni, kalau single then I'll think about the future but if he already have someone than I should but the border line with him. Dier betul2 buat saya rindu kat dier, nak kata lust maybe but I realize that I started to falling for him which is not good sign, bleh saya keluar jumpa dier malam semalam (9/09/11 - nanti aku citakan apa yang berlaku) dan borak ngan dier sampai 12.30am lagi...hampeh!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The person who I always talk to....!

Actually most of my friends either in my blogs or outside around me thought that my blog is the only place for me to express my feelings. No, the answer is wrong!

There's someone who is really important in my life who always with me! His name is BoyBoy, cute right the name hehe :p He can't talk but merely can hear what I tell and share to him, he is the only place I can talk freely and he know most of my secrets that I'd never mentioned in this blog. He is really close to me, he'll sleep with me all the night thought.

You guys want to see who is BoyBoy? Let's follow me!

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**He is my lovely and cute BoyBoy~!

After all he is only place show my feelings, sad, happy, smile, cry and ect ect! I love you so much boy boy :) No matter what happen he'll always be with me!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Whenever I feel sad, happy and missing someone....!

Hey guys, I'm considering to make my future entry as a short entry instead of making a long one but in case I've something to talk more then yes for a long entry. Talking about today entry, not going to make long one but just a short one thought.


I'm not sure how about others but me, whenever I feel sad, happy or missing someone always put my hand on my chest and feel the heartbeat. And tell myself, don't worry Patrick everything will be alright, I always with you.

Yes, it won't make someone can hear but it make me calm and happy. At least I know I always be with me and this is how I make myself feel happy :)


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Simple... yet make me happy !

Good morning everyone! Ok, this will be a short entry and not going to talk all my routine today. Yesterday (26th August 2011), I received a Raya card. Guess from who is that? Hahaha from Safar, I never though that he'll send one for me because I'd never received any Raya card before and of course why would receive one since I'm not celebrating Raya right but sometime is good to send or receive all festival card from all friends to let them or us to know our friendship is still alive as usual.

But the card that Safar sent to me yesterday, made me melt entirely and fall for him. I'd mentioned about him in previous entry, he started to like me long time ago but only recently he told me, I think about 5 months ago. He seems really love me! Ok, is time to enjoy picture :)

For those who wanted password, kindly email to me cheah_cw@hotmail.com after "click" the advertisement! Don't cheat and play play with me ar hahahah.

P/S: Selamat Hari Raya to all my friends abang Zack, Abang Dam, Abang Numan, Abang Daus, Abang John, qemal and all friends in my blog :)

Sunday, August 21, 2011

There is....but no more now!


Today at about 3pm my mum told me that my sister was admitted in the hospital and going to give birth soon. But it didn't caught me surprised at all and why should I since some of the incident which make me not to! I didn't start nor ask for it but she does by some of the sarcastic words. Since from that day, I've told my mum that I won't involve in her life anymore and why should I? I'm not angry but just disappointed of that incident which still hurting me everyday when I heard that words and my heart so broke.

I've heard so much and been through so much in my life but this time my heart really broke into pieces. From that day, I told myself I no need anyone in my life. I've decided it and not going to change it until I reach my day. Whatever it is, is enough! Those words really hurt-ed me a lot than I broke up with my ex.

Yes there's love before in my heart but no more now! That's the reason when I see some who trying to know me or tackle me, I seriously not feel anything, the feel of love is just not there. I feel really numb and get bored by loving those people around me. Everyone have their own life and I've mine, nevermind, my parents seems happy for my sister so let them be and I know they won't let their daughter down no matter what unlike me, even is not my mistake but the blame will be on me and I get used to it. But what make me sad was it's my own family treat me like that, I won't care if my friend did that to me but my own family.

That's the reason why I always wish there's a person who always for me, just for me! But at the end of the day, I'll be nothing for them as well so what's the point but no harm wishing and imagine that there's a person who hug me, tell me "don't worry pat, I'm here for you"! Even I'm tough most of the time but I'm human who have feelings like others as well, sometime is better to cry myself, even there's no one beside me to hear and feel my pains but at least I could calm myself by crying instead.

Human, which is a creature by god and really difficult to understand so there'll be no one to understand me fully. If there's any, I'm really appreciate that with my full heart and honest heart. I need to be more tougher now to face everything since it was my own life journey, even the journey is not going to be too long but fair enough to live till today.

Friday, August 19, 2011

......the life journey is still mine!


Hey guys, how is everyone especially abang zack, abang John, Abang Numan, Abang Dam, Abang Daus, Abang Rocwk and others? Well back to the story, recently I realized a things which is no matter what or who I've in my life, the life journey is still mine so what's the point worrying don't have someone in my life? Perhaps, is good to have someone in our life to share our happy and sad but at the end of the day they not going to follow wherever we go, especially our last permanent home under 6 feet!

For me, no one going to change me nor know me well except myself! Sometime, I'm envy seeing those couple having a nice and happy relationship but I came to understand and always told myself that my life is different from them. Even I can't get a good relationship like them but I always happy, pray and help them as much as I can so that they will have long time relationship. As for me, I always hope and wish that how good if there's a person who I love the most hug me, lay my head on their chest and whisper to me "don't worry pat, everything will be alright. I'm here for you!" At the end of the day, it just an imagination of mine and I don't put too much hope on that because never aspect everyone like I want right.

I don't know why, I just simply happy when my friend happy with their partner in their life. Anyway, there's much more for me to learn. I'll stop learning when I in my permanent home under 6th feet. Yesterday I saw a friend of mine who kept asking me when I'm going to marry hahahah, I just laugh! I don't want to marry not because I'm gay but there's another reason which I will safe for last means tell later. I just don't want to ruin anyone life when I know my own condition and where it will leads to so better better avoid from it.

How I wish I want to be kids back to my mum like when I was small that always hug me when I'm cry, when I was in pain and when I was sick! But I proud of myself being a big boy now and handle everything myself and being independent. Well, even there's a lot who live independently and younger than me. Whenever I face a problem or pain, I though I'm having a hard time but I'd came to realize that there are people who facing problem more worse than mine and that's when I put myself in their show to feel their pain as well.

I easily get a long with people no matter what age are they as long as they can talk to me. I'm a kind of person who if you talk and smile, I'll reply but if you show you ugly face then I've no comment other than keep quite and being myself. People always said that I'm good in attract people and know how to start a conversation, am I? well, it born in myself I guess, perhaps, I learn myself.

Oh yeah, I almost forget the part which I wanted to talk. Last couple of day ago, I heard that some people talking at the back of me. Well, sometime I appreciate people who talk back of me because they like to point out my weakness where I can change it but sometime I just let it be because I know they don't have work to do so I cannot help them out, I prefer to do my work rather wasting my time by arguing with them. If you know the not going to change their attitude so what's the point right?

guys, is love will make a person crazy? Hahaha well, it did! Safar getting crazy, he could borrow handphone credit from his friend just to sms me. He's really crazy and yes I know he love me sincerely but I've to remind myself something that might get him upset so is better I keep being friend with everyone.

Recently, I found myself getting too tired, exhausted, my back head are keep pain like hell. At first I though it just migraine but my thoughts was wrong after I received my medical report last few days from Ampang Puteri Hospital. It was quit surprised me but nevermind that's what god wanted right so let it be because he know what's the better for me. Even it makes me feel sad but I still happy because at least I've been go through as much as I can and achieved some of my dreams though. I don't know when I'll reach my time and credits to Dr. Mei Ling who helped me a lot to go through this. At first I though not to write this at here but where else I can put out my feelings and for sure I'll not going to tell my parents about this. They already burdened with too much of problem and I don't want to add their burden with this.